my mother's gifts

if you have read my blog .. you know that my mother passed away this year unexpectedly.. her absence was even more apparent to me on Christmas Eve..

for those that do not know the story.... after many battles a compromise was made between my mother and my sweet Tim on when presents were to be opened..

for my mother... Christmas Eve was magical and that was when presents were shared.. Santa came and really strong egg nog was had.. she used rum and a lot of it in her homemade egg nog.... I guess that is why my siblings and I were all close to our teens when we... one by one....realized that there was not a Santa delivering gifts.. we were not naive.. evidently we were drunk..

Over the years it became tradition in our house that each and every Christmas Eve was reserved to open gifts from my mother.. mailed from Colorado.. wrapped individually .. and shipped in a box.. usually with packaged pop tarts and ding dongs to protect the contents..

no presents came by mail this year.. no funny gifts of Christmas vests or light up Santa hats..and for a minute or two I felt her missing.. felt that she was really gone.. then as I looked around at my children .. all here gathered in my house.. I realized that her gifts were right in front of me..

my children have a number of my mother's gifts inside them.. they are strong, courageous..my mother was a fighter.. a never give up girl from West Virginia.. my children fight to the finish for things they believe in.. passionate about what is right.. and determined to change what is wrong..they laugh at the same things with the same sense of humor.. belly laughs and giggle giggle giggling sometimes takes over and they cannot stop..they love life and each other so much.. 

many of these are my mother's traits.. and she has passed them on for me to open each and every time we are together as a family..... my mother's gifts..

Merry Christmas...

  

what I wanna be when I grow up..

When I grow up I want to be someone that inspires others.. like my friend Linda K..when I was diagnosed with breast cancer a bundle of cards were sent my way.. all encouraging.. all signed with notes and kisses.

When I grow up I want to be someone that sets their mind to something and does it.. who decided years ago after battling breast cancer .. that she would start a team.. of wishful people that all shared the goal of stopping cancer.. T.E.A.M. WISH... and raised a million dollars to fight the fight.. like my friend Linda K..

When I grow up I want to walk 60 miles.. 3 days of 20 miles each..year after year..  I want to stand in the Survivors Circle and hold my hands up to the air in gratitude for the ones that walked with me.. like my friend Linda K...

When I grow up I want to hug everyone I see.. even if it lifts them off the ground .. and lifts their hearts to the moon spiritually.. like my friend Linda K..

When I grow up I want to yell across a room.. and greet someone that I know is struggling with the burden of the fight.. with a huge smile and for one moment the burden is gone....like my friend Linda K

From the TEAM WISH facebook page today ~ Linda Kacmarsky took the hand of an angel today and was guided off to heaven. May she look down from above and see how many lives she has influenced. You are loved and will be missed. May Frank find the support from the people she inspired during this difficult time.

When I grow up.. I want my life to be purposeful .. full of meaning .. I want to walk miles along with those that struggle and those that fight..

When I grow up ..

Things I love about you...

The holidays are a time that everyone reflects on the importance of life.. the importance of family .. and the importance of friends.. how do you share how much you love?  Kisses and hugs.. dinners and laughter.. but day to day.. how do you share how much you love?  Yes of course.. we say it before we hang up.. we say it as we walk out the door.. "love you..luv ya.. heart you.. <3 ..  but do they hear us..do we have their attention..

This has been a difficult year for my family.. a second diagnose of cancer for me.. my mother's death.. friends that are ill again.. fighting cancer that has viciously and aggressively returned.. there has been good news for some.. terrible news for others..

Today my dear son in law could not make it back to California in time to see his father before he passed away.. on the way to the airport he was told that his father had gone.. I fear he will always associate Christmas with this bad news and I pray that his memories of his father are of a wonderful visit they shared earlier this year..

I realized today that in all the turmoil of living day to day.. we forget why we love day to day..we wait until a crisis is upon us.. or people are taken away.. how do I share how much I love?  I came upon an answer tonight in the writings of Allen Jesson.... a perfect gift.. like picture frames of rainbows and hats that show a mothers picture.. a perfect gift ..like friends that whoot and holler you across the finish line.. a perfect gift.. like children who always come home no matter how old .. to a place they feel safe and loved in..a perfect gift.. like a long time friend that you can share the love and joy of grandchildren with..

For your loved one.. starting today.. a journal of daily reasons that you love them... and as soon as I read it.. I thought what a perfect gift..

Each day.. you reflect on the reason you love the person.. what ever little reason .. and write it down..

January 1st.. I love that I will start a new year with my best friend..
January 2nd.. I love that I can lay my head on your shoulder and rest..
January 3rd.. I love that you take care of your family..

on and on.. each day taking time.. sacrificing important precious time.. to write down the love in your heart and then give to them at the end of the year..  They can open it on Christmas morning.. and each day they will read why you love them..

I know that some of you will do this.. that you will take the time to write the words..

I love that about you.

The simple act of living with hope...

The holidays are coming closer.. and the "hustle and bustle" that comes along with it.. it is hard to focus on the true meaning of Christmas.. but I am trying..

this week a few ladies from my running club came for coffee after the Saturday run .. and as they left.. one reached for my favorite necklace.. to read the charms that hang on a silver chain.. 'trust" and "believe" they say.. a reminder to me that everyday I must put my trust in a higher power and that I must also believe that my life has a destiny.  One of the charms was given to me by a daughter..the other I purchased at a cancer fund raising event... little did I know that they would lead me daily.

A number of my friends are stricken with cancer again and the struggle goes on in the midst of shopping and holiday trees.. I remember having treatment during the holidays after my first diagnose.. my Christmas gift was that I truly realized how much I loved my family and how much they loved me.. a gift I remind myself of every day ..it goes along with my determination to "trust" and "believe".  I thank God for his gifts.. no matter how difficult they may be to understand.

Today I heard that Elizabeth Edwards will not longer take treatments for her breast cancer.. and I was struck by the sadness I felt in hearing this.. my heart is broken for her and her family.  My son gave me her book about her breast cancer journey after my first diagnosis with cancer and I feel connected to her through written words. I did not know at that time.. I would  be living her journey one day. .I think the posting on her facebook page says it all..

"I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful." ~ Elizabeth Edwards


Let's not forget the meaning of this holiday.. it is all about hope is it not? .. positive words full of love.. light and courage.. The simple act of living with hope.. 

God Bless you Elizabeth..

living in hope and hoping for Linda..

Terrible news this week about a lovely woman who has been a wonderful support for a number of woman fighting breast cancer.. Linda started Team Wish here in Anthem.. in the last 8 years they have walked and walked and walked.. and between blisters and shin splits and sore feet.. they have raised 1 million dollars in their fight against cancer.. Linda is a breast cancer survivor and has connected with many other survivors and many of us have connected with her...

She finds us.. some how .. some way .. she finds us and she folds us under her wing, sends us cards.. yells across Starbucks "Hey Julia's mom!", picks us right up off the sidewalk and hugs us till we are blue.. she found us..   Irma, me and Heather .. and probably dozens more that we do not know.  Linda is fighting again and when we first heard this.. panic set it..

In the last 24 hours I have forgotten to "sink into the breath" and find courage.  I do not feel fearless.. I am afraid..  for Irma .. for me..for Heather ..and for Linda... our tall, long legged angel in tennis shoes and bright green shirt.. walking.. walking.. is fighting again..  So I have to find my courage.. make myself fearless and try to breath deep and sink into the breath..

I have to make a choice.. for Irma ..for me.. for Heather..  and for Linda..

Living in hope instead of fear is a conscious choice - and it's one you may have to make over and over again as you deal with the uncertainties and fears that cancer brings your way. But each time you choose to live in hope you not only release the burdens you feel, but you empower yourself and your friend or relative who had cancer to continue to move forward in life. None of us knows how many days and hours we have left - whether or not cancer is in our lives. So, it is incumbent upon all of us to live in hope and accomplish all that we can in the days that await us~Anne Orchard  Author : Their Cancer - Your Journey

For Irma.. for me .. for Heather ..and for Linda..

"lots of thanks to be givin"

...at work one of the big bosses went through before we all left on our long holiday weekend.. sticking his head in every office and wishing everyone a great Thanksgiving.. he stopped a bit longer at my door and said "you have lots of thanks to be giving this year don't you Mary?".. yes.. yes I do..

so as the day is coming to an end.. a Thanksgiving full of fun.. Turkey Trots... great encouraging friends.. wonderful family.. GOOD PIE... I promise not to take this day for granted.. or any day for that matter..I will live my life to the fullest.. love my family with all my heart and appreciate them for who they are and what is inside each of them.. I will cherish my friends.. that yell as I am trying to keep running.. "Mary.. Mary.. think where you were 2 months ago.. and where you are right now.. you can do this"..  I will have "lots of thanks to be givin" today and everyday. 

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy


Gobble Gobble..

"there is nothing I would rather do"

Today I celebrated my wedding anniversary with my sweet Tim..  after a couple of decades of marriage. .the biggest fight we ever had was our fight together against cancer..

"there is nothing that I would rather do.. then live my life in love with you".. was the saying on the American Greeting card I picked out...

I read in the newspaper today that people are not getting married anymore.. it is not expected and many do not want to share their lives with someone special.. it is such hard work.. trying to fit two hearts together without breaking them..

"the fun that being with you brings...Our memories made of little things"..

I am just not sure if that is true..I believe in true love..and honestly I believe there are a lot like me.

"the talks we have.. the jokes we share..the hugs, the kisses here and there...." 

I am here to tell you there are some things worth fighting for.. there are people that are worth fighting with..

" what better reason could there be.. to ask you to grow old with me" 

love affairs can last.. and each day can be sweeter than the last.. " there is nothing I would rather do.. than live my life in love with you."

Here is to decades more..

a perfect gift

This weekend was full of gifts..the kind of gifts that make you grateful.. the kind of gifts that you see and think.. yes.. yes.. this is perfect..  reminding me again of the blessings of my life..

..the first came from the "baker" (Regina) of my cupcake runners club.. with a few other of the girls.. during coffee and after the Saturday morning run... I was given "a perfect gift" ..  a beautiful crafted picture frame.. with rainbows and hats.. for my mother's picture.. I have written about the memories of her passing and the strongest are the rainbows on the day she died.. and the hats .. her hats .. that all the women wore when she was laid to rest.. a quote about personal character that I love.. all together.. perfectly placed.. 

... The "baker" and leader of our running club has spent the last three or four years encouraging ordinary ...everyday... young and old.. to run.. to "complete not compete".. she is artistic in so many ways other than with paper and glitter.. she creates and colors the lives of everyone she touches.. making them feel value in what they do.. and who they are.. a Picasso of spirit and courage.. how lucky am I to have this artist of spirit and courage in my life....

..the second was my daughter Julia's commitment to walking the Susan G Komen 3 Day... with hurting feet.. cold (for Arizona) weather.. she camped and walked.. right into a hug at the end of the third day.. she walked for me and our dear friend Heather.. she walked for all women that may have.. will have.. shouldn't ever have breast cancer.. and the men too.  She is a warrior.. a pink warrior according to a song about the walk..

In a world were most people are not in the moment.. not here for friends or family .. never think a moment about anyone other than themselves.. how lucky am I .. how blessed am I.. to have two people in my life that spend each day making a difference.. they are a perfect gift.. .

Tonight it is clean up time.. get down time.. get better time..

Tonight I sat down and for a final time went through the cards and letters that I received from friends (and strangers) over the last 6 months.. only 6 months since my breast cancer diagnosis and it seems so long ago..was it really only 6 months ago that I got that call driving home from work.. I never take that road now.. the road I was on when I answered my phone..

Tonight I pulled out the pile of cards in the dresser drawer... Tonight I read card after card of good wishes.. prayers sent.. help offered.. encouragement.. some from the same people over and over.. some disgustingly funny... some so heartfelt they brought tears to my eyes.. Many were from the TEAM WISH walkers .. team mates of my daughter Julia ...my oldest #1 lotus blossom daughter. Julia is participating in the Susan G Komen 3-Day this coming weekend...she walks not only for some dear friends but now... for me as well...

Julia with the big heart, giggling, John Mayer loving oldest daughter who often in our conversations when this all started.. reminded me of how God put people in my path just in time to carry me when times are tough..

I had just started running and Cupcake Runners Irma, Heather and Regina popped up and into my life.. and 6 months later would cross the finish line with me at the Susan G Komen 5K...

Heather from TEAM WISH brought me dinner and an oncologist card.. Heather .. sweet Heather who is again fighting breast cancer and now I am bringing her dinner..it saddens me that this is how I am repaying her gift..

The Lindas from TEAM WISH...one is Heather's mom and the other started the team here in Anthem.. I see them training for the 3-day walk every Saturday and when they see me out with the Cupcakes.. they yell "it's Julia's mom" and I get hugs all around.. words of support.  Many of those walkers know about clean up time.. get down time.. and getting better time.. many are survivors...

My work family that were always there for me.. making sure I could get through the days..when I could barely keep from crying..my work family has gone through a lot of things this year and we held each other up.

I would like a better word than survivor.. that seems to me a word that means you do not have a choice... instead of growing....learning.. changing.. it is so much more than surviving.. it is opportunities that may have been lost if things were different..

I think I will drive the old way home tomorrow.. clean up time..get down time.. get better time.. it's time

push.. pull.. squeeze .. giggle..

I spent an hour last Friday in "never give up" Dr. Leighton's office learning the push, pull and squeeze technique to get my new parts to fall into place.. minimum 3 times a day.. push, pull and squeeze.. then giggle..

I find myself doing it while I am driving.. one at a time.. one hand is still on the wheel.. I guess that if Oprah knew she might ask us breast cancer survivors with new parts to pledge not to push pull and squeeze while we are driving.. but it does help pass the time..and it has become a giggle moment for me each day.. sometimes I actually pattern it to the music on the radio and can complete the required process during the duration of a song.. .. country music is the best..

I dropped off dinner this weekend to a friend that has been in treatment for a recurrence.. and when I hugged her, I recognized the heat that comes from chemo chemicals in your body after treatment.. it made me think of the time my favorite ingredient friend Anita hugged me and said.. "you feel hot".. and I felt a bit guilty that my journey has been so easy compared to others.. and that all I have to do is push, pull and squeeze...

My dinner friend and I spent some time laughing about pushing and pull new parts into place.. she got new parts a few years back.. I guess we always need to be pushing, pulling and squeezing into the place we need to be..some times it is a fight and sometimes it is only a songs worth of effort..

My energy is coming back..but I notice my patience is not where is should be.. I may need to push, pull and squeeze to get that back in place..I have decided no more surgeries this year.. check ups.. holidays... walking and then running.. push, pull and squeeze back into life... it is so full of giggles..

Blessings in disguise..

... it took me a few days to recognize the blessings in disguise... my mother dying so suddenly brought up feelings and thoughts long ago dismissed..

the death of anyone brings along with it some personal challenges... how you grieve...emotions rise and  things can be difficult

.. rainbows, hats and flowers slowly pushed away dark clouds... hugs and laughter came flooding forward to push back things long ago dismissed..

...it took me a few days to recognize the blessings in disguise
the chance to see the rainbows, the hats and the flowers...
the chance to make the choice of the path you are on..
the chance to see how others see you ...to recognize what you have become..
or what you want to become......or what you must become..

it took me a few days for the clouds to be pushed away and realize that I am standing in the rainbow.. to have the chance to make a choice.. to recognize my blessings...

"People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within" ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Rainbows, Hats and Flowers...

We woke up this morning to loud cold Colorado wind.. the day we were to lay my mother to rest.. it was not sunny...it was not bright... but as we drove this morning to the services.. rainbows appeared..

honestly.. rainbows.. bright and clear.. with no rain....our directions were clear... we were to follow the rainbow.. and come together as a family to lay Carol Sue to rest.. As I got out of the car.. my cousin Kendra came up to me and said.. "did you see the rainbow?".. I will never ever see a rainbow again.. without thinking of my mother..beautiful bright colored rainbows...

The service was wonderful.. mom's favorite music.. and there were flowers everywhere.. bright rainbow colors... not just funeral whites and pastels... but reds, violets and blues...

The Aunts and Uncles had met and they decided they wanted to read my blog about the West Virginia Girl at the eulogy.. My sweet Aunt Pauline.. who was the closest to my mother.. called me before the services and asked permission for my Aunt Patty to read it.. and many friends stood up and shared stories that made us laugh .. and some that made us cry..

One of the best parts of the service was that the Aunts had decided.. all the girls were to wear hats in celebration of my mother...my mother loved..loved... hats..... she had many.. all sorted by color and size.. and all of the girls, Aunts and grandchildren picked a hat to wear to her service.. it was a wonderful tribute and I am sure my mother loved it..

My children used some of their time to visit childhood haunts... schools and places full of memories.. they had a wonderful time going through ton's of pictures that my mother had...teasing each other.. hugging each other and loving each other..

and as my family all came into the chapel today.. the day we laid my mother to rest.. the girls in their hats.. and Tim and Tony in their suits.. I just was in awe of how wonderful they were.. how blessed I am and how grateful I was of their constant support ..

It filled my heart to see them.. their great Aunts and Uncles holding and hugging them close.. and helped me accept that there are things that end... only to begin other things... new families and new generations.. memories and love and laughter... rainbows..flowers and hats...

unexpected farewells and trust...

My mother died today... My Uncle Nick called me at work and told me that she had passed.. .she was in the hospital .. and had called my Aunt the night before saying she was fine... and going home.. and then this morning she died...maybe she meant..going home for real...

My sweet Tim came to get me from work... and as we were driving home.. double rainbows appeared up North... bright ....colorful..complete rainbows.. and I realized that my mother was telling me she was in the light.. the colors..again a beautiful dark haired girl from West Virginia... a coal miners daughter ...a real one.. the eldest of a huge brood of wild children...

Every mother ~ daughter has their ups and downs..my mother and I share many traits ...so we have had our share of ups and downs....but I started to smile thinking of her exploits and things she did... so as my tribute to my mother.. that beautiful dark haired girl from West Virginia I must share this one..

My sweet Tim is not Italian or Catholic and when we first married he did not want to open presents on Christmas Eve...

well in my house ...growing up.. we always opened Santa's presents on Christmas Eve after midnight mass...because Santa would come while we were at church and after church we would head for home..we would fly out of the car....run to the door .. fling it open and HOLY COW... Santa had been there... 

We always started the evening off at my grandmother's and I was at least 16 before I realized...all my uncles and my dad were disappearing off and on during the evening to go home and put out toys before mass...  it was my shared secret....none of the other grand kids knew this .... I had become an ADULT... 

When my mother realized that I had married a heathen that would not open presents until Christmas Day..she just was not having it and broke out the artillery..  my sweet Tim starting receiving letters from Santa, Elves, the Mafia, the Pope and everyone else.... telling him basically he was going to go to Hell...if he did not let Carol's daughter Marilynne open gifts on Christmas Eve... all in the same handwriting of course.. different stationary appropriate to the "group" that had sent it.  

So a compromise was made... we opened my mother's presents to us on Christmas Eve.. every year..and all the others on Christmas Day..and the fact that one year she sent Tim blow up red clown shoes only made it more fun...

I trust in my savior and I have a vision of her ..the beautiful dark haired West Virginia girl ..the coal miner's daughter...laying in God's arms.. no pain... no anger..knowing she was and is loved.. asking him... "when do you open presents?"

He better tell her Christmas Eve..  

for Carol Sue ~ always loved ~ always the beautiful dark haired West Virginia girl...

missing parts and broken hearts..starting the journey back to normal

it has been almost a week to the day of my second surgery.. the one where they replace the enlargers with implants and you are supposed to feel... when you wake up like you have real breasts again..

it was a close call.. Monday morning they checked my temperature again and again .. checked my lungs time after time.. before they finally said.. OK we are going to go..  Although I had walked a 5K the day before, I still felt pretty awful and felt such a sense of relief.. they were going to go ahead and do the surgery.. still on schedule... going as planned... continuing my way back to normal...

I woke up sore, really really sore.. but excited that part of the journey back to normal was finished..even though I was sore.. the intense pain in my shoulders and back were gone..I really slept.. for the first time in days.. deep heavy sleep.....but I kept waking up thinking things were missing... how can you get back to normal..when nothing is normal any more and you realize ...never...ever will be again...

I have slept a lot this week... and have cried a lot as well... I cannot seem to get over the fact that I am missing parts.. .. I know that I have new ones.. smaller to be sure (as requested) perky, round, bruised and new....I also have scars... long very visible scars....how can you get back to normal... when you don't know any longer what normal is....

no cancer.. no chemo.. no radiation.. I walked along with women and men this last weekend... that have it far worse then me.. I don't have breasts... but I also have no chemo and radiation and lost hair..  I will have check ups... I will have scary moments... it will be part of my journey to normal..

but I cannot stop crying.. I am grateful and I feel guilty for mourning a part or parts of me that I really did not like.. but they were me.. like my fingers and toes.. my heart feels broken and I cannot stop crying because my normal is gone.. I have to find the new normal and I realize that is in experiences not denial that the journey begins...

I have to embrace the new me.. and stop pretending I am the same.. I am not.. I am missing parts and my heart is broken..and for this week... I cannot stop crying..  but one part of me will not change... normal for me is not giving up..the journey continues... along a different path not as known as the one before..

breathe in the good.. the white light and push out the darkness.. say goodbye to normal and embrace the new.. there are 3 Marys.. the old, the one now and the one to be... I will find normal when all three become one.. and missing parts and broken hearts are healed...pull from my courage ..sink into the breath... the journey back to normal has started..

Friendships~big and small

It is the night before my second surgery and all I can think about was that today I walked the Susan G Komen 5K along with 30,000 others..........

That 30,000 included a number of people from my work family all wearing their "Radiated Cupcake"
t-shirts, my #1 lotus blossom daughter Julia, Cupcake Runner survivor friend Irma and some of the Cupcake Runners from our club here in Anthem....

I cannot move from my mind the realization that it is times like this that true friendships and love come to the surface, swell out and roll over you in waves....

I could not have done it without them.. knowing they were there...it made me determined to make it.. to walk it.. ..to cross it.... to finish.. My dear friend Irma who first motivated me to finish a race ...ran with me past the finish line..and then there is Heather and Regina..fellow Cupcakes..... who showed up in pink tootoos  with pink bows in their hair ... Heather and Regina.. who ran to catch up with us with our rescue bags of water and pink pom poms and finished walking the race with us..

All people that gave up their day for a promise..and Friendships ~ big and small...

Tomorrow starts a new beginning for me.. another one.. but each beginning only shows me more of the same.. that I am surrounded by a circle of love.. a circle of strength.. I can gather my armies when I need them.. even for hugs... Friendships~big and small.. ..make my circle ..they wear cupcake t-shirts and tootoos with pink bows in their hair...

Susan G Komen ~ The Promise

It is about 4:30 am and we are getting ready to leave.  We are heading downtown so that I can participate in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure.  I have taken my Tylenol, wrapped my ribs in bandages for support and I am ready.. I am disappointed I will not be able to run... but my lungs cannot take it yet and with my surgery tomorrow.. I cannot risk pushing too much.. It has been a fight to get this far because of that stupid cold that decided to settle into my lungs at the last minute..

what is so special to me about this race is that it is not just about breast cancer ...it is about sisters.. and the promise of one to the other that she would do everything she could to keep other women from going through the pain, mutilation and despair that her beloved sister had to go through in her attempts to live... promises can change lives... that promise made years ago changed millions of lives... I hope I can change one at a time..

So... Susan... here is my promise... I will never give up.. I will fight cancer with every ounce of my being.. I will be there for others and will try to help them understand cancer as a gift and an opportunity to be reborn.. and not a death sentence.. .. I promise..

Walking the Susan G Komen 5K - antibiotics..rest...rest... rest -

My second surgery is scheduled for Monday and I feel awful...after an week of coughing that has made me feel like my chest was going to split apart and fever, my doctor has put me on antibiotics..in hopes I will be able to to have surgery as scheduled on Monday morning.. 

It is discouraging to have your body betray you by not getting over a cold immediately... I always get over a cold ...immediately...

I keep in my mind that nothing has changed.. I have no breasts.. but nothing has changed.. I always get over a cold ..immediately.. I do not have to slow down.. .. but I have had to face the cold hard fact that it is not my body betraying me that got me here.. instead it is me betraying my body.. pushing ...pushing..

....I always get over a cold... immediately.. As much as I try to pretend things are the same.. my life is different.. more fragile than before.. and it cannot be ignored. 

So I will rest.. until Sunday.. Sunday is the Susan G Komen 5K..I will not run on Sunday but walk..but I am going to go.. I have to... it was my goal to move across the finish line.. to move forward down the road... to finish a task and move on... I cannot give that up.. but I will rest... I will face facts this one time... I always get over a cold....immediately..

veggie soup in a popcorn bowl.. or how we make decisons..

I have been sick most of the week.. had to leave work early Wednesday...called out Thursday and today worked from home just to stay caught up but still feel really pretty yucky..chills..aches.. my shoulders hurt so, so bad.. almost like when I first got home after my mastectomy... ..

I have not been able to walk or run and am going to miss the Ironwood 5K walk up here in Anthem tomorrow.. my boss thinks it is because I am running so soon after my surgery.. she said "you never listen to me".. which is not true.. I do listen.. but I have a tendency to pick and choose what I believe..

I am pretty sure I have the flu and because my 2nd surgery is so close I had to switch this week from Alieve (which works) to bunches of Tylenol (which doesn't) for those enlarger aches and pains that I still have..put flu on top of that and I should be able to sue Tylenol.. for false advertising..

so finally today... I felt like I could eat something....not counting the DELICIOUS cheeseburger my sweet Tim brought me home last night for dinner.....(I made the decision a while back to not eat red meat because it is bad for you)...The other decision (from the advice of my #1 lotus blossom daughter) was not to heat things up in the microwave in plastic.. all decisions made too late in life to stop cancer..too late..  but I stand by them now.. even though I used to do all of those things .. I act like I have been paying attention all along.. and I have never done them at all..

so finally today.. I found myself looking around for a bowl that would do for can of soup in the microwave.. now.. please understand there is plastic all over my house.. for cupcake giveaways and from and for food tidings drop offs...how tempting.. just grab a bowl and pour in the soup.. who would know?..I mean the cheeseburger had had not ill effects...  but I held firm

....and used my sweet Tim's ceramic popcorn bowl... it is a small bowl.. he uses it so he won't eat the entire bag of popcorn.. even though he goes back a few times to refill it before he is full.. it work perfectly....

As I sat and ate my soup.. I watched a show (Charlie Rose) that had a panel of scientists discussing why and how people make decisions..(some things just fall into place for me)..  there are simple decisions and complex decisions.. I have come to the conclusions that my decisions are usually simple and because my children may yell at me ...lol   I am tired of the aches and pains.. even though I should be greatful for them... and more than ready for this to be over..

now.. I wonder if my sweet Tim will bring me home a bacon burger... ????

reaching for the stars... and making a mark..

My birthday week is over.. topped off by a fun filled dinner (with wine pairings) with my two Mikes..  who presented me with a professional "torch" .. that will keep me from setting the oven on fire while making "mikes campfire cupcakes" because I am trying to brown the marshmallows in the oven using the boiler.. We ate, drank and discussed celebrating "the girls" when my surgeries are all completed.. 
.
.....on the way home my sweet Tim and I talked about true friends and how some people become important parts of your lives while others barely make a mark.... we are blessed with good and loving friends.. we all seem to have a common cause.. to reach for the stars..

...my two Mikes are involved with the Melonhead Foundation which helps families of children with cancer.. keep the lites on.. keep the car running... reach the stars when people are having trouble even seeing them in a black sky..

..over the next few weeks things are going to be hectic.... getting up early to walk run this week.. at least twice is my goal... Tim and I are walking the 5K this upcoming weekend at Ironwood Golf Course for TEAM WISH .. the Anthem Susan G Komen 3-day walkers... my #1 lotus blossom daughter Julia is a part of this team...and this will be her 3rd year.. her comment after the first year "It changed my life".. and because of them.. other lives have been changed...

..as of this year they have raised a million dollars.. can you imagine.. a small team of people pulled together 6 years ago with a common cause.. determined to change the world... reaching for the stars.. and setting new goals each day ..month... year and they have changed peoples lives..

goals set... reached day by day.. week by week.. next is the Susan G Komen 5K on 10/10/10.. . my team radiated cupcakes was started by a co worker ... determined to change the world .. reaching for the stars... pulled together with a common cause...

..some people become important parts of your lives.. reaching for the stars... setting their goals.. while others barely leave a mark.. which one are you?  Leave a mark.. reach for the stars.. set your goals.. don't give up... sink into the breath and let it carry you up and up ... till you are not just reaching those stars.. you are one..

lead with your heart for a new beginning ..

My official birthday is almost over and my youngest lotus blossom daughter posted this on facebook today

tonight is the fall equinox....a time to let go of a little something that may be holding you back/down and in turn lead with your heart for a new beginning =)



An equinox occurs twice a year, when the tilt of the Earth's axis is inclined neither away from nor towards the Sun, the center of the Sun being in the same plane as the Earth's equator. The term equinox can also be used in a broader sense, meaning the date when such a passage happens..

Today was a crazy day full of things due, beautiful flowers and lots of cards, text messages and emails of good wishes..  fun presents and some cake.. my lunch was a favorite slice from Yo Pauly's which is a pizza joint that my work family just loves.. crazy day and lots of work.. I was exhausted by the time I left to rush home..

.. tonight my sweet Tim and I were headed to a great restaurant for a wonderful romantic birthday dinner.. but by the time we got home and looked at the clock.. it would have been nothing short of a sprint to get there on time..  so we did the next best thing.. we canceled.. and decided to have a picnic.. We split a giant double cheese burger with EVERYTHING ON IT and onion rings and birthday celebratory milk shakes..

We kicked our shoes off and sat next to each other and loved every morsel.. no candles.. no music.. no fancy restaurant.. ....just sweet Tim and sinful nummy cheeseburgers, crunchy onion rings and a big chocolate milkshake.. the stress fell away and everything was right in the world.. with my sweet Tim and nummy sinful cheeseburgers..

tonight is the fall equinox....a time to let go of a little something that may be holding you back/down and in turn lead with your heart for a new beginning =)

tomorrow starts a new year.. another birthday on the way..new beginnings and passages... I am ready to jump right in.. with sweet Tim and sinful nummy cheeseburgers..

Here is to birthdays, new beginnings and letting your heart lead......Happy birthday to me! 

can I help you with that bag ....mam??...

ok..maybe I am a little sensitive.. my body is over reacting to the anti inflammatory I have to take to get up and move around during my reconstruction..... and I am swelling up like a little sausage.. I am tired.. it is too hot.. my feet hurt.. and I am having another birthday tomorrow... so when the "bag boy" or the "catch that item and bag it guy" who looked 8 .. said to me.. "Mam.. can I help you with that bag"... I almost ...almost.. tried to run over his foot with the cart..

but I stopped myself.. took a deep breath in... blew all the darkness out.. and replied.. "thank you but I have it"..

I did not empty the cart and send it on its way across the parking lot to slam into another "mam's" car that was parked there... I walked it to the cart area and put it away... I made sure that I blew out the "I feel sooooo old today" thoughts and counted my blessings..I am having another birthday tomorrow... so.. its all good... "thank you .. but I have it"... :)  

It is ok to have days you are glad are over.. as long as you have days.. 

birthday adventures - good times.. good times..

Today I was stolen by some of my team...for a birthday celebration..  "be at this place at this time and don't google it" Paula in charge emailed me.. 

....I promised I wouldn't google .. and I did not.. I do not think they believed me.. but I did not google.  My sweet Tim... in on it to the end ... would not let me even map quest it and gave me directions..

So after my run, a shower and a little nap, I took of to "Gooseberries".. which is on 7th street just south of Thunderbird..to discover a wonderful tea place full of china cups and odds and ends..

I love tea places and my "girls" and I have gone to a couple places off and on over the years to celebrate holidays or birthdays.. but most have closed and we have been busy and it is not as easy to sneak away.. but today they gave up their Saturday to sneak away for me..

They snuck away for me and treated me to a wonderful lunch which ended in of course my emotional telling them that they were incredible and I could not be more happy to have them to celebrate a birthday with me..

I found myself looking at them and realizing although they are so different in many ways.. they are exactly the same in others.. they have a sincerity about them that is hard to miss if you know them well.. and I know them well.. as their supervisor it is my job to protect and guide them but I find that they circle round me as my shield when I need it.. my circle of wonder women protection.. one of my blessings but with lots of parts and pieces..

As we walk our path of life,

We meet people everyday.

Most are simply met by chance.

But, some are sent our way.

and if you are lucky like me.. and if you are blessed like me.. you sneak away to tea parties with those sent your way..

Planning birthdays and learning to breath..

I celebrate a birthday next week... Celebrating Birthdays - the new Cancer mantra ..

When I was diagnosed with my first bout of cancer.. I remember clearly driving home and talking to God.. I asked him for two more years.. just two so that I could get everything and everyone ready... myself included.. I told him.. if you give me 2 more years.. I think I can get everything ready.. and then I did not..

I mean I started....I wanted to make sure my children realized how much a part of their stepfather's life they were and I was obsessed I believe with telling them.. they had to take care of him if I left them....I came to realize what love is.. not just the fleeting kind.. but the deep, caring love that you feel for friends and family that is real, concrete, solid... but once you are diagnosed with Cancer.. sometimes you get so caught up in the fight.. the exhaustion from chemo and radiation...  you forget your tearful promises.. and need to be reminded....

2 years passed and the fear started to go away.. 3 years passed and I started to feel a calling for different goals..but not really..there was always something that had to be done or fixed.. biopsies came and went.. all clear...I mean I started but not really.. 

Then I got my reminder... that I haven't got everything ready... a reminder that if I want to keep celebrating years and birthdays... I need to keep my promises..that my life is changing and if I keep my promises.. promises will be kept to me as well..

I am getting a chance to have another birthday and constantly amazed by the people that surround me and what they can achieve each day..  I have found the light within me..learning to breath..  and I am seeing that same light in others.. It is all in the breath.. a birthday everyday.. a deep breath in.. a slow breath out.. push out the darkness and bring in the light..

Celebrating birthdays... day by day celebrations really.. learning to breath all over again.. having courage to over come fears and now to help others over come them as well.. reminder.. I need to add that to my promises.. sink into the breath... Happy Birthday to me..no candles needed.... I have my own glow and my  light is on..

Look up .. there is the goal.. stop counting the steps.. look up..

It has been a crazy week... last injection Friday, ran/walked with my running group on Saturday.. I was miserably sore and stretched.... but friendship and encouragement and challenges always make me feel better.. my running buddy Kathy sticks close by.. encouraging.. her husband along with her..

they give me little adjustments.. " .. breath in through your nose... blow out through your mouth.. purse your lips...  look up.. look up"  I have a tendency to put my head down and plow forward.. determined to get through it.. Kathy and hubby are teaching me to look at the goal.. and stop counting the steps.. you get there faster..

we make a team within a team.. Kathy, hubby and I.... one or two people.. or a group of 10... = same goals.. I love being on a team..

this week I was able to help put together some last minute teams in order to take over management of a couple communities.. and after a day of crazy challenges, old pieces of pizza late in the afternoon, cleaning, organizing...I realized that I was practicing my newly learned running techniques.. purse lips... breath in through nose ..blow out through mouth.. look up.. look up at the goal.. I noticed my work buddies helping each other run an entire different race than the one that I ran on Saturday..I realized again that it helps to look up.. to focus on the goal and not put your head down to watch your feet.. look up and see all that is around you.. laughing co workers, all working on the same team.. with the same goals.. brain storming... making things work... I love being on a team.

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.”
Bernice Johnson Reagon quotes (American Historian and Musician. b.1942)

outside of the box... step by step..stair by stair..... become yourself .. if you dare

Tonight is a night for poems and deep thoughts... another friend with a loved one fighting cancer..I am told today..  we can no longer do nothing.. if that is what we have been doing.. we must act in every way we can..... we must.. we must... it is too much to bear tonight and my love for my friends and family overwhelm me.. so lucky and blessed am I..

There are changes coming in my life.. it seems so very clear....

I know they are there.. sneaking around the corner.. coming slowly near....

I am strong and have the courage to fight my biggest fears.... come on changes.. I am right here!


one of my favorites - MY COMFORT ZONE ~ By Author Unknown

I used to have a comfort zone where I knew I wouldn't fail.

The same four walls and busywork were really more like jail.

I longed so much to do the things I'd never done before,

But stayed inside my comfort zone and paced the same old floor.


I said it didn't matter that I wasn't doing much.

I said I didn't care for things like commission checks and such.

I claimed to be so busy with the things inside the zone,

But deep inside I longed for something special of my own.


I couldn't let my life go by just watching others win.

I held my breath; I stepped outside and let the change begin.

I took a step and with new strength I'd never felt before,

I kissed my comfort zone goodbye and closed and locked the door.



If you're in a comfort zone, afraid to venture out,

Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt.

A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true.

Reach for your future with a smile; success is there for you!
 
 
Outside of your box.. step by step .. stair by stair.. become yourself.. if you dare.

"are this a little high??" and other areas of concern..

My boobs are too high..

yep..yep... they are.. I have one more trip to "never give up" Leighton for 80 ccs more of sloshing saline solution and I am at my 500 ccs.. which is where I want to be. I feel like I have golf balls in my arm pits, my "port has moved", I am cranky, my shoulders hurt..blah blah blah...and I am stretched from my collar bone to my arm pits to my rib cage..

For those are wondering if I will have to be a survivor with breasts up to my throat...not true.. I am stretching and growing new skin...making room under my chest wall muscle... I have been assured that although not to my knees as most woman my age.. my new boobies will be reasonably placed and not at my neck..

...the best part of the week my taking chocolate cappuccino cupcakes to the doctors office and getting emails from the entire staff including Leighton with descriptions that they were the best they had ever had.. reminder.. that is how I want my boobies... the best I have ever had.

Such silly things to worry about.. I am cancer free today.. I am cancer free today.. but so many are not and the fight continues.. adding warriors every day.. EVERY DAY..

This last week I became aware that 3 wonderful women that I am associated with.. fellow survivors as well as first time fighters have cancer.. 3 wonderful women...


no family history = stage 3, double mastectomy with chemo and radiation...

cervical cancer = a young mother having to make decisions no one should make..

a survivor = with returning cancer that may be in bone..


..and I complain and am cranky....and feel guilty because I am so blessed ...and so lucky and so here.. my boobs could be on my head.. and I am still here.. not vomiting from chemo, not burning from radiation, not trying to explain to young children that I have cancer...

Yep my boobs are too high and I am cancer free today...

a lesson on how to survive and running buddies..

Many of you know ....if you are a face book buddy or a good friend that I belong to a run/walk group here in Anthem called the Cupcake Runners..  started by a few gals (the bakers) that decided they were going to be runners.. complete not compete . and turned loose every Saturday morning women (and some men) of all shapes and sizes with one thing in common.. to show "they could do it".. no matter if it were a block, from one light pole to the next, walk run walk run..

.....because of their support I ran the Emma's Run 5K.. me ..me ...who never thought of herself as a runner.. ran a 5K.. and through them .. the cupcakes... I was introduced to Irma..

Irma doesn't know about that day because I was blocks behind her on a Saturday morning.....

We were running the relay route and one of the "bakers" from the cupcake group slowed down and ran with me to encourage me...

"keep going Mary... 60 more seconds.. you can do anything for a minute'" she said.. I not only did not believe her at that minute..but really for a moment thought.. "I 'm not sure if I like this at all.. someone running next to me.. making me not give up..".. then she said this.. "See the girl ahead of us?".. "yes, I replied"... "That's Irma...She has breast cancer and she ran the 1/2 PF Chang after her surgery..two weeks Mary.. after her surgery".. "really?? I replied... "Yep she said.. really... you know Mary.. you can do anything for 60 seconds.. just go 60 seconds more".. "ok.. sixty seconds more.. ok." 

and I did it.. I did it because of Irma.. We meet for real at the 2010 Cancer Relay for Life event.. as survivors we joined the cupcake team to raise money to fight cancer... walked the track together as survivors... and have become friends with much in common..we have found that spiritually we are very alike.. we laugh a lot... and we both are blessed by a loving support group, friends and family.. ...she is my "meet at Starbucks Green Tea" buddy.  She probably doesn't know I ran Emma's Run 5K because of her..  

I am sharing an article with you about Irma.. my Green Tea buddy, one of my blessings and how she turned to her running group "the cupcakes" for support.. not knowing that was exactly what she was giving to someone a few blocks behind her.. 'sixty seconds more".. is going to add  up to a lifetime of never giving up.. enjoying life... and a thank you to Irma..

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fsharing.mayoclinic.org%2F2010%2F08%2F24%2Firma-p-far-fro&h=1d45f  

celebrating birthdays... and other wonderful events

Today is my sweet Tim's birthday.. I am blessed to be here to spend it with him...that is the Relay for Life motto I think.. Celebrating More Birthdays ....as we survive...

.. . I found a birthday card with a picture that said so much about who we are ...Tim and I.. many of you know him as the quiet tall guy in the background.. always ready to catch what falls over or off..  but this photo on the front of this card.. you know the saying "a photo is worth a thousand words.".

On the front of the card is a photo of two children ...about 9 years old.. a boy and girl.. the boy holding on to the hand of the girl and dragging and pulling her behind him as he jumps in and out of waves rolling up to the beach that they are walking on..she has on a straw hat and is laughing looking at the camera .. and you know she is thinking.. "Oh my gosh..  he never stops!" ... but she keeps holding on to his hand as he drags her in and out of the water as it rolls up to the beach.. He is totally engaged in the fun of it and is pretty sure that she is getting soaked... but he knows that she won't let go.. of his hand.. ever..and he will hold on.. to catch the things that fall over or fall off..

She knows that if he weren't pulling her through the water along the edge of the beach, he would be trying to teach her to body surf on a lime green raft or yelling in her ear "this is the best present you have ever given me" as they are dragged across the desert in a hot air balloon or lifted up and set down wearing waders that went up to her neck ..in a straw hat .. in a river in Montana to fly fish with him...

....always holding her hand..never letting go.. and she holds on..thinking "Oh my gosh..he never stops"  laughing ... he doesn't have to look back.. he knows she will hold on and they will celebrate more birthdays....he got it..the card and what it meant.. my sweet Tim always ready to catch what falls over or off.. he got it..

slightly imperfect...

I am black and blue and bruised.. the next few weeks are the worst I am told.. 3 more visits.. 3 more.. I brought cupcakes with me this time.. coconut ones with cherry fillings and little cherries on the tops.. like slightly imperfect boobies.. a reminder to my doctor of what mine need to look like when he is done.. slightly imperfects.. rounded out with icing.. small flaws hidden with coconut and cherry topping..

Slightly imperfect like me.. .. but that is ok.. I am starting to round out..

The spasms start now as soon as the needle goes in and they had trouble finding the port on the right side.. it has moved.. "great!... the one thing on my body that I counted on to stay in place decided to move closer to my underarm....."butt..moved... waist .moved.. knee caps.. decidedly wrinkled.. and hey are they lower.?"   ... poke and prod and push.. "aha.. here it is.."  too late.. tears..  no sleep..no walking early Saturday morning.. so about noon.... I started doing what I do best.
I baked..

cupcakes for a baby shower with a cake topper.. rich chocolate cupcakes.. even when I am sore and tired and cranky.. cooking soothes me.. maybe it is the rhythm of mixing and tasting and watching cupcakes raise.. cakes puff up and round out.. icing swirls on in beautiful colors.. 

I feel at home when I cook and bake.. I have blown cupcakes up in the over and sank them like cement by shutting an oven door too hard.... they can always be used.. as a layer for tiramisu.. with a sprinkling of chocolate fudge and zablaiogne creme.. there is a use for everything.. even slightly imperfect.... add one or two things and it becomes perfection...

I wonder more and more what my "use " should be.. I am meant for things.. but what?  How do I find the answer.. what things must I add to round out and puff up the slightly imperfect me?  time will tell....

I am thinking more and more about my yoga class with musical voiced Mark.. and his steady insistence that we are not fearless but can push ourselves and our limits.......... with courage.. " answers always come..be patient"  as my boss once told me.. Do I have the courage to hear them..

You never know ...when blessings jump in the way..

This weekend started out with an early Saturday.. goals reached..2 miles walked..  the bar set a bit higher.. wonderful movie (Eat, Pray, Love) that really struck some musical cords with me because it is about a person finding themselves...finding joy.... weekends full of friends and fun .

...I am starting to really feel the pain of my muscle walls stretching more and more.. it is different from when it first started..it is exhausting ..  I spent a bit of time weeping because I had decided I was tired of it.. just for a moment..but then my blessings jump in the way.. wipe the tears and save the day..

..I made myself stop a number of times this weekend to count my blessings as they were sitting around a table sharing funny stories, margaritas, great wine.. and chocolate deserts.. laughter so hard that your muscles hurt and you are so thankful that they have been guided your way..how would I survive without them.. they are my focus.. my pain killers.. my strength and courage..    I found a poem that tells it all..

You Never Know ~ Author Unknown
You never know when someone - May catch a dream from you.
You never know when a little word - Or something you may do
May open up a window - Of the mind that seeks the light
The way you live may not matter at all - But you never know - it might.
And just in case it could be - That another's life through you.
Might possibly change for the better - With a broader brighter view.
It seems it might be worth a try - At pointing the way to the right.
Of course, it may not matter at all - But then again it might.

Thank you.... all of my blessings..... for always jumping in the way.. wiping  the tears and saving  the day..

Stripped down to zero and other serious conversations...

"Having had cancer, one important thing to know is you're still the same person at the end. You're stripped down to near zero. But most people come out the other end feeling more like themselves than ever before" ~Kylie Minogue

This week has been full of "serious" conversations with friends and co workers about who we are .. why we are here.. what kind of power we can pull from inside us to fight our foes..working on not being fearless but having courage..

During these conversations I have become more and more convinced... my heart is pure and I am who I am because of what I have been through.. I like who I am and where I am going.. spiritually, physically, mindfully with courage and purpose..  I feel my heart is pure..  I feel joy, I laugh more, I love more, I am more... because I had to start over..

Yes.. it is true.... when you are told you have cancer.. for a moment, a day, a week or maybe forever ..you are "stripped down to zero"...If you are blessed like me.. if you are lucky like me... you start over.. what a wondrous opportunity.. to start over.. so many of us go through life ...each day the same.. with never a thought of anything deeper than.. "I need a haircut".. or "ugh..what a day at work"..  They do not see the opportunity of each day ..no each minute.. to start over..

Don't misunderstand me.. my mind will still wander in that direction ..today for some reason I decided to visit Kohls and try on bras.. pretty ones.. size B.. nope that did not work well and was a bit depressing.. but more often than not..my mind wanders in the direction of how much I enjoy the people around me..especially my children.. they are incredible human beings...and my friends... all I want is to lift them into the light.. with a shoulder, a hug, cupcakes and encouragement.. we cannot fail.. we only learn who we are..

once we are stripped down to zero..

where you belong... and who belongs with you ..

Friday's visit to get "enhanced" was over in minutes.. I had a threesome.. yup.. me, my plastic surgeon and the medical student.. did a threesome.. each one had a syringe.. added 60 ccs and I closed my eyes.. that is what "never give up" Leighton called it.. well having your chest enlarged by 60 ccs a week is rather intimate..

I noticed the medical student that I am training had beautiful earrings on and she liked mine.. funny how things just become normal because they are repeated.. and then sometime this weekend I noticed that I was getting cleavage!  higher than I am normally used to seeing it but I have been assured it is where it is supposed to be..

I did better this time.. Friday night is a nightmare - uncomfortable and cranky - I told Tim.. OK this is as big as I want..  but the next day was better.. each next day is always better..

My sweet Tim.. wakes me up most Saturday morning after he has already been up for hours...sleeping till 7 is a sleep in day for him.. He always makes me feel that he wakes me up because he needs my company... even if I know it is to help finish the grocery list.. it's OK.. that feeling of "he needs my company"  has lasted over 20 years and I realize where I belong and who belongs with me... it does us pretty good..

...this week it was up and out of the house.. move... move ...stretch ...stretch... this Saturday it got me through having lunch out.... a visit to Costco where I resisted the freebies and focused on veggies and good stuff.. it even got me after a nap to the movies.. Tim's choice...

it only got better.. Sunday I made it to tea with a cupcake runner who is also a breast cancer survivor.. we got to share some tears that only survivors can share.. I love her sense of humor and her passion for her family... we both believe we have paths to follow and we are meant to be something to someone..support or belief or faith.. I was again where I belonged.. with someone that belonged with me..

I find myself listening to see if I hear those stories.. of being where you belong and who belongs to you.. I love that I have a place on this earth that is so mine.. I belong.. find your place..do you see it..??  it is there for all of us.. lesson learned = look around... find your place... enjoy your life.. and always wear great earrings!  someone will notice..

New beginnings - a note from my niece Nicole

I asked permission to reprint this .. a wonderful insight into the heart of one of my nieces.. I was thinking today that my focus should be more on others..I am impatient with my recovery.. wondering what the rest of my life journey should mean... it is always about me when I blog.. how I feel..what hurts,, what helps.. just proves the point that as human beings we sometimes become so focused on ourselves.. we do not have the same perception of our disease, attitude or actions that others may have about the exact same experiences...Lessons learned = I have found that a sign always comes.. a bird flies close to me and reminds me of my dear Grandmother..or a note floats through the air and lands on a facebook page that so profoundly touches you.. as my number 1 daughter noted.. "I could barely read it through my tears" and you know... you just know you are here for a reason and you do not need to know what it is or plan it out.. you just live in the moment.. living with joy...

So please take a moment to meet my niece... long legged..used to have pony tails that were never straight.. beautiful Nicole.. and her "New Beginnings"...

From Nicole...
After reading my Aunt's powerful blog on how she is getting through her breast cancer, I am realizing that I take advantage of life. She has been writing since May, when she first found out she has cancer for the second time. I've been too afraid to read it. When I was 8, I lost my best friend to cancer: My grandpa. My family and my grandparents lived about 20 or 30 minutes away from each other, us in Woodland Park, and them in Colorado Springs. After school almost everyday, we would go see them and that was the best part of my day. We would get there, and he would get me a big bowl of ice cream, and we would sit and watch Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy. Although being so young and not knowing how either show worked, it was the happiest of times for me. He had three different types of cancer, two he beat, and the last one that finally took his life. At 8 years old, I didn't know a lot about death. I did watch him take his last breath, something I wish could be taken away from my memories, but also something important to me (although it's hard to explain why I would want to keep the memory of literally watching my grandpa die.) Ever since then, as I have grown older and learned more of death and disease, I am afraid of cancer. So when I first found out both times that my Aunt, my hero, one of my best friends, got cancer, I freaked. She posts the link to her blog every once in a while and describes her journey, but I could never work up the nerve to read it. Finally, over the past hour, I have read it. And I'm glad I did.



Now I just feel selfish. Because although, I have my health, I have a fully functioning body, I'm getting an education, I live in a great house, have an incredible family, and wonderful friends, I take advantage of every single part of it. In May, when I got broken up with by a guy I dated for four months, I felt like it was the end of the world. I am still hurting. But that happens when you fall in the love for the first time then get your heart broken. Either way, there are way worse things that can happen. Cancer can happen.


Then I went on a trip to Las Vegas for my orientation at UNLV. I was there, ID card, schedule, dorm assignment. We came back and my parents told me we wouldn't afford it (*not because we are "poor", but because it's $35,000 a year, with only about 4,000 dollars in financial aid a year, just for the record). I was devastated. Which also is allowed when it's the only college you apply to because it's the only life you have planned since Freshman year of high school. I laid in bed for two weeks, barely talking to anyone but family and my best friend. But again, there could be much worse things. Cancer is worse.


There are so many people out there that don't have their health, that have lost a battle to cancer, or diabetes, or AIDS, or much more. I have my health, except for a few little problem, otherwise, good heart, good organs, and a functioning brain (most of the time, other than my reoccurring "blonde moments" even though I am a natural brunette.)

My dad, was a police officer for 17 years, a sergeant. Which in fact can be a burden on my part as a teenager :P But the fact is, him being a police officer as I was growing up, made me who I am. I am mostly called a "goody goody" but I am proud of it. I don't want to get myself in stupid situations. My future means too much to me. I want to succeed in doing what I want to do. Anyways, while trying to arrest a drunk man one day, he was injured by this drunk man and forced to medically retire, where now, he lives with Rheumatoid Arthritis, a disease whereas he can't hardly move most of the time, where he can literally only eat about 10-15% of the food out there, without wheat, gluten, dairy, shellfish, meat, most veggies, most fruit, and much more. I dare you to go to the store and find ten things without all of those ingredients. It's mostly impossible. He has lived with this for about ten years, where we help him get up, get dressed, make food, cut a vegetable, open jars, get in and out of the car and even sometimes walk depending on how he is feeling. I used to play soccer with him at the park when I was little. He helped me practice through the six years I played soccer. He helped through the first 3 or 4 years, and by the last season, before we moved to Arizona for his health he could only sit and watch my games. My point is, he doesn't have his health. If he gets sick, he's in the hospital, if he got the swine flu (now pretty much gone) he dies. So when my mom and I both had the swine flu at same time last year, we both sat in my room watching movies, never allowed to leave the room. I take advantage of my dad. He helps me with anything I need, and all I do is give him attitude and fight with him nonstop.



Then there's my aunt. When we moved to Arizona five years ago, she was incredible to us. Found us a house, made us dinner almost every night, picked me up at school and brought me to her house where she would make me food and we would watch TV and do homework. Now she is fighting hard to cure her breast cancer, just getting out of surgery and recovering for the next month or so.


So much worse things can happen to my life than getting my heart broken, or not being able to go to the school I want. I'm still going to college in August, even if it's a place I wasn't planning on going to, it's an education, and it's going to get me back to Colorado or wherever I choose to go to University in two years. I do have my health, although I eat more sugar and junk food than I should, and I probably should actually start working out. But the thing is, I complain and refuse something as small as getting my wisdom teeth out, while my aunt just had Breast Cancer surgery. It's ridiculously selfish of me.


I am going to take this newly planned life I have and embrace it. I just got lucky to have received two new jobs while I am here within a two week time period. Not to mention that I was going to Vegas on my own, with no one, six hours away from my family, and however much every graduate heading off to college dreams of being so far away on their own, it would have never given me the chance to be able to go to back to Colorado in two years. Plus, I may have a chance to living with my best friend there and being with all of my other family. I am going to cross things off the bucket list we made for a final project in Free Enterprise, that I couldn't do in Vegas. With all the money I am going to be saving with going to community college, I could go to New York for Christmas and New Years, and travel Europe or see a professional ballet or New York Broadway show. But first, I am going to cross a very important one off of my list:

I am going to walk the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K October 10th, 2010 with my [now] recovering Aunt. The Breast Cancer Survivor.
 
 
Well done Nicole.. Defying Gravity ... and living in Joy.. every moment a new start..   Aunt Mary 

butterfly kisses... love notes and valium..

Back to work part time..moving to full time.. but hard to focus.. I keep finding wonderful music, thinking about movies I want to see... and working all week to prepare for the Friday pump up visits...This is my challenge...

it is not 6 ccs now.. it is 60 ccs.. and muscle spasms that move right down the insides of my arms start almost right way.. Friday and Saturdays are hard days....most days I am sore.. really sore.. ..but Friday nights and Saturdays are hard work..my muscles want to go back to where they were.. they fight to go back.. but I'm not letting them at all.. nope not giving up ... I WANT BOOBIES! there I said it out loud.. that makes it so.. say it and it is.. as my #1 lotus blossom daughter will tell me.. defying gravity... courage courage Mary...

This week a medical student and a new nurse assistant joined us... I was used to demonstrate how to use the "port finder" so the doctor knows where to insert the zillion foot long syringe.. "never give up" Leighton always calls it a "stud finder" and always puts it on his forehead saying .. 'damn it always goes to me first!" he he.. love love love.. that is my clue to close my eyes...

Tim goes with me as I walk almost every night and faster than I thought I could .. because my sweet Tim's legs are so long it is 3 steps to his one.. not running by any means.. but Enjoying life.. being woken up by butterfly kisses and sweet love notes hidden in drawers makes life's challenges so incredible easy to endure..

Enjoying life.. and butterfly kisses..

eat healthy, start to add things back to your routine slowly.. .Enjoy your Life

My perception of breast cancer and cancer all together is taking a turn...the change has been coming on for a while.. but it is very noticeable to me lately... maybe because my higher power has placed my being in the hands of some incredible people.. or because he/she has placed my mind in an incredible place.. I am not sure.. but my courage and joy grows day by day..

Each new person added to my team is somehow brought to me through others..... recommendations.... mentions in conversations and I am led to joy almost each day due to that...

Let me introduce you to the last of the doctors that make up my "reconstructed Mary" journey..he is a good humored, easy and softly speaking medical oncologist by the name of Dr. Kato... that welcomed Tim and I to his office by taking away all of the paperwork I was trying to complete (with the same hundred questions..of when you had childhood diseases that have NOTHING to do with cancer)....

...starting our visit by saying.."let us do that for you.. I have all your stuff that I need".. love love love... why do I fall in love so easily these days..

Dr. Kato in his lime green plaid shirt... calmly went through my pathology, notes from other doctors and then looked calmly up and said "questions?"

I confirmed with him (because I wanted him to say it out loud) no chemotherapy, no radiation.. "Nope, your margins are fantastic..no cancer there..no chemotherapy ..no radiation..."

"OK", I ask "what next?".... there is always something else.. a just in case.. a "we think this will be more protection".. like hormone inhibitors that case incredible bone pain.. which is what I was expecting to be told I had to take..

The green plaid shirt calmly told me.. "nothing really...you do not need the inhibitors because you chose a double mastectomy..you do not have a second breast for the cancer to come back to and that is what those are to prevent.... add things back to your routine slowly...remember you have had a traumatic surgery.. it will take months to heal...manage your fatigue...the process of stretching your wall muscles for your implants will be painful.. so don't be frightened by that.. come back to see me in 6 months.. have an ultrasound in a year and Mary... Enjoy your Life"...

Lessons learned = Living in Joy and defying gravity... enjoying your life.. all of these reminders of how we are to live each day... sink into the breath.... open your heart.. and thank the universe for putting such incredible beings within my grasp..a cosmic and universal recipe of ingredients of family, friends, angels and joy..

Enjoy your Life!

choose to live in joy... starting with 6 ccs

My life's journey is full of excitement and fun.... my cousin Kendra had a note on her facebook page that said.. "you cannot rid the world of sorrow.. but you can choose to live in joy"... yes yes yes.. is what I thought to myself when I read that.

I get a bit more energy each day and I am able to work part time from home.. I started walking this week.. only up and down the block twice but easily done.. next week I will add a third time and by mid August I am going to try to meet the cupcakes on Saturday mornings for a mile.. next week I actually go in to the office and life goes on.. living in joy..

..today I had my first weekly "pump up" at Leighton's office....now let me try to explain to you how the excitement of this first "install" was dampened a bit when I saw the needles and cylinders on the table by the patent's chair.. the needle did not look really big but the cylinder it was attached to was the size of my arm... so of course I took the appropriate action and closed my eyes..

...for those of you that love the graphic details... you know who you are.. there is a port under my skin that can be found with a little gray metal device that tells the doctor where to stick the needle.. the first one was quick, easy with very little discomfort.. the second decided to cause a muscle spasm that almost made me wet my pants.. "felt that" the doctor commented.. good.. me too.. eyes remain closed.. eyes remain closed..

wow... there is a difference..not much and once you get past the fact that your chest feels like someone is sitting on it because your muscle wall has been stretched again.... you look and you look again.. and you see........... boobies... little ones to be sure but there is some cleavage.... I choose to live in joy!

these last weeks my joy has been overwhelming.. we did not have to cook one dinner for more than two weeks.. cupcake runner friends and TEAM WISH walkers all showed up at my door each night at 6 pm with full meals, cupcakes, salads, cards and even paper plates.. hugs and hugs and hugs.. cards and flowers and cookies.. and love...and prayers..

I choose to live in joy! I choose to live in joy! and boobies.. little ones.. yeah!

a life not wasted...

I don't think I have ever.. ever...been inactive this long.. 12 days since my surgery and each day it is easier to stay awake longer...the muscle spasms have lessened and the feeling that I have golf balls in my arm pits is quite frankly easier to accept..

....both surgeons visited including my cancer breast surgeon "determined Nedra" who after seeing me reach up and hold my arms up over my head.. grabbed my hands and put her forehead on mine to comment "why are you here.. your fantastic!" ...on to the medical oncologist who will determine what follow up treatment will be needed to make sure that the evilness of cancer does not ease its way back into my body....

...the plastic surgeon visited to set up the schedule to continue "reconstruction" each week by adding a bit more saline to the enlargers under my chest muscle wall to make room for "the new me" implants to be added. Reminded again and again by both that I am still in the oven and not completely baked..

..these comments helped as I have faced the moments alone in the shower where I cannot ignore the parts that are missing and the scars that remain..it is easy to cry in small enclosed places with warm water drowning out your sobs and washing away the pain... I realized that the scars are only on my body..not in my heart or in my mind...my heart and mind hold only gifts of true love and encouragement from friends, family and a soul mate that God has given me to make me a better person...

..so often I think once danger passes people put it out of their minds... so much easier to forget..
it is our mind and bodies instinct to put those things behind us...but for me..I will not forget...my heart breaks for each person each day that must be told that their bodies have betrayed them and this invader threatens their very being in every way

...and I will fight.. I will fight for others.. because my life will not be wasted in self pity and fear... my life will not be wasted in not appreciating every moment good or bad that comes my way... my life will not be wasted..

I will look for the lessons.. I will be ready to fight..

I will defy gravity....

bits and pieces...

it has been almost 5 days since my surgery.. and bits and pieces are coming back to me.. most of the last few days have been hazy,,dazy and dizzy.. but I am remembering bits and pieces.. moments......that all connect ....to each other and to me..

I have come to realize that this blog should be about the reconstruction of Mary ...starting with my first fight against cancer to the moment (and beyond) in my doctor"s office this week as bandages came away .... leaving for all to see the almost finished product of love and courage and knowing if you are lucky.. like me.. if you are blessed...like me.. you have someone to trust with everything in your soul..

checking into Virginia Piper is a process with a lot of people and parts..each person has a specific mission.. all of them done amazingly well..your name is called and you walk to an admitting desk where you complete paperwork.. and the routine of questions begin.. "here is your wrist band.. would you read it to make sure the information is correct".. yes the information is correct..and confirmed over and over again.. each new step ..a new person having a specific mission to accomplish always finished it with .... "and can you tell me your name? and you are here to haaavveee.??? and ok then your are also having..?? ok your birthday is??" over and over

.... they gave me purple socks.. with little bear paws on them.. and a lilac purple gown that tied in the back.. that is.....are you ready??.. hooked up to a vacuum like hose that blew warm air into it while I laid on the bed waiting.. puffed up like a lilac marshmellow... while person after person confirmed over and over that I was sure I knew my name and what my procedure was....

They use purple ink too.. when "never give up " Leighton came in to draw on me the direction the surgeon would take .. they used purple ink.. it should have been a giggle moment.. purple to match.. the Relay for Life survivor color.. matching my bear paw socks....matching my space ship blow up gown... but no giggles were left.. I started to cry..holding my arms up and way..so that the purple ink ran smooth over the offending parts to be removed.. "you are ready for this" Dr. Leighton said calmly and clearly.. "you are ready Mary".. yes.. yes I was ready.. but I could not stop the tears.. when he left .. my "get ready nurse" Diane told me.. "you have a great team.. Dr. Leighton and Dr. Harrison.. they are wonderful and the best.." she then calmly laid down on the bed her parts and pieces for IVs and blood pressure and things that she had in her hands and put her arms around me.. laid my head on her shoulder and told me.. "and you have God.. you have a great team Mary".. yes.. I was ready for this....

...Afterwards... .I remember waking up a bit and seeing my family all having lunch.. checking on me from time to time as I slept.. waking up to comment that I saw two of my #1 daughter Julia's face.. which was a giggle moment for all of us..

waking up a moment to realize my favorite ingredient friend Anita was there holding my hand .. she was telling me that she and her mom had brought me Angels.. I thought "of course you did Anita... seriously.. you would not come with out angels"....only to fall back asleep and realize later that it was in fact a picture of Angels with a poem telling us how they are the guardians of hope.. I hope she realizes that she did bring the real ones..they follow her around..my favorite ingredient friend Anita...

I remember determined Nedra...my breast surgeon telling Tim.. "get your credit card ready.. she is going to want new clothes to show these off when we are done.. "

What I remember the most and what I will hold in my heart forever.. is my sweet Tim.. looking me right in the eye at the doctor's office yesterday as the Dr. took off all of the bandages...as I waited for the first glance....telling "never give up" Leighton... "what a beautiful job you did Dr.. .. you did a beautiful job" Yes.. I have a great team..

"lay your head on my shoulder.. whisper into my ear baby..."

sigh.. all better ..

by accident ...on purpose ..

In less than 48 hours, I will be starting on the easiest part of my journey.. it is the downhill part of the cycle ride, the part where you relax back and stop gripping the handlebars of the bike and let gravity pull you along the stretch of road...after the surgery.. many of you may think that is going to be the hardest part.. I beg to differ..

It took me seconds to make the decision to have a double mastectomy....and I have been sent confirmations that the decision was the right one on a consistent basis.... affirmations if you will.. by accident... on purpose... little messages that have slowly and surely given me the courage to fight the fear.. remember what Yoga Mark said.. no one is fearless.. it is all about the courage.. for me that courage grows and I am amazed that god has given me the signs to tell me that I am going to make it.... that I am in the fight and I will win..

Tina's Treasures is affiliated with Virginia Piper Cancer Center.. it is a little shop brought about by a breast cancer survivor that could not find the items she needed after surgery.. so she made it her mission to make sure no one else felt that helplessness.. The employees in that store are almost all breast cancer survivors.. they know exactly what your insurance must cover according to the Women's Health and Cancer Rights Act of 1998 in order for the transition from surgery to finished product (no matter what you decide that is to be) to be the easiest it can be..

....my appointment was with a specific sales person.... but I ended up with Jodi ...by accident...on purpose.. as we chatted it was revealed that Jodi had been a patient of "never give up" Leighton ... my plastic surgeon...12 years ago... she had chosen a double mastectomy and he had completed the reconstruction.. by accident and on purpose.. she only confirmed my decision was the right one.. she had fitted women..one after another after having a single mastectomy or a lumpectomy.. only to have them come back because it was not enough.. and each time a woman came back...she was sure that her decision had saved her life..

by accident and on purpose.. my hairdresser was finishing up with a woman when I arrived to have my hair cut this weekend..... and while we both were sitting and talking with the gal that cuts my hair.. it was discovered .. by accident ...on purpose.. that she was a breast cancer survivor.. her sister as well.. she had one breast removed only to have to go back 3 years later and do it again.. if she had to do it again.. she would have done both at the same time.. by accident...on purpose..

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!~Dr. Seuss

See you at the bottom of the hill...

"the higher the hair.. the closer to God"

so let's take a moment and review the pre operation instructions that I received and just today read... you may comment "that is ridiculous or that is just absurd" at any part of the review...

no food or drink after midnight.. I can have one sip of water to take my blood pressure medicine in the morning when I get up.. at 4:30 a.m to get to the hospital by 5:30 a.m to wait until 7:30 a.m. for surgery.. ok...ok.. know that..

either the night before or the morning of ....must shower with an anti bacterial soap... umm.. this is new.. although I make ever effort to take a shower and shave my legs prior to any doctor's visit, surgery or weekend away with the hubby.. I have never been instructed to take a shower prior to surgery.. ok.. ok.. makes sense..

remove all jewelry.. of course ..yes will do that..

oh.. ok.. ah.. what.. WHAT?? no lotion, mascara, eyeliner, hair products, HAIR SPRAY to be used prior to surgery.. huh..? what.?. wait a minute there .. I ALWAYS WEAR MASCARA and just a little bit of blush before I HAVE SURGERY!! You never know..who is going to be looking at you.. and they would say.. "great lashes!".. so I am just saying..

and no HAIRSPRAY OR HAIR PRODUCTS?? I AM ITALIAN.. WE ALWAYS USE HAIR SPRAY... THE HIGHER THE HAIR THE CLOSER TO GOD! This saying is actually on a Christmas ornament that I got this year.. so you know it is true.. Christmas ornaments do not lie..

sigh.. ok well.. my only choice is to wear my really good panties.. You never know.. who is going to be looking at you..

pull in the light....push out the darkness..

today was my pre-op visit to my "never give up" Leighton's office...to discuss my "reconstruction".. I came prepared with my list.. and when he asked if I had any questions.. I gave a blow by blow description of exactly what I expect to happen from entry to Virginia Piper next Tuesday to 6 months from then... when I am all done..

He looked a bit stunned and my Tim (who refuses to let me go alone to any appointment) looked like he was going to burst out laughing.. Leighton said that I understood the procedures better than his nurse Mary Ann... a comment Mary Ann ignored because she knows everything and she is the one that told me all that stuff.... my only question was .. "am I going to be able to run the Susan G Komen 5 K in October?".. "Probably and you won't even need to wear a bra.." Leighton replied.. Note to self.. so.. pre-op done.. I am ready..

I am ready.. I am prepared.. I tell myself... I am prepared and I have turned it over..honestly I have.. but once in a while.. ...I just have to say that I hate cancer..

I hate that it makes me cry because again they are going to cut pieces of my body away to save my life..

I hate that it makes me tired and frustrates me because I do not understand why it is here again....

I hate that sometimes it takes all of my focus so I do not have the patience that I should have with people I care about and work with...

I hate that my family thinks of a time that I may not be with them because of this evil evil thing inside of me.. even though death is normal and natural.. this is not..

I hate cancer and hate is not good.. so I am prepared.. to pull in the white light.. swoosh it through and push out the darkness.. push out the hate.. push out the darkness.. PULL IN THE LIGHT!

"come out angels..come out ghosts..come out darkness..bring everyone you know
I'm not running..I'm not scared..I am waiting and well prepared"