back to my roots..

finished... finished with 6 month check ups and now I have another 6 months to get ready for the next ones.. never give up Leighton looked closely and remarked... you are a bit higher on one side than the other.. to which his nurse replied.."so am I and these are real".. I love that people put things into perspective on a daily basis for me.. providing giggle moments and moments of laughter..

Leighton asked if I wanted to fix that.. to finish this.. to do more.. "nope".. I replied.. "I am going to Italy instead".. so into his little recorder he stated. "Miss Mary.. looks great and is going back to her roots!"  then to me he asked... "are you bringing by cupcakes soon?

back to my roots.. back to Italy to meet a 3rd cousin....the great granddaughter of an great uncle that 100 years ago decided to stay in his town, in his country , in his life.. while his brother, my great grandfather, wandered off .. for adventures and journeys unknown.. I have been to Italy more than once.. my most wonderful memory was my sweet Tim and I going for 10 days right after my first cancer diagnosis and treatments were done.. "things look good" my oncologist said one day in March.. and I replied "Excuse me you are standing in front of my suitcase."..  That time we went to Rome.. rented an apartment where we healed together in the warm Roman sun.

I am tired.. of cancer.. of worrying about cancer.. of seeing friends with cancer and die of cancer.. this time we are going to Florence..then to my family's birthplace...back to my roots..  where the language is spoken like a song.. and the sun will warm you to the bone while you sit at a table in a piazza watching people stroll by...back to my roots.. where I feel very at home and comfortable.. like I had a life there before...back to my roots.... to heal in the warm sun.

swirly swirly chocolate

I have so much to do.. reports to write.. windshield needs replaced... Doctor's 6 month follow ups need to make.. some times I feel out of breath.. need to work out.. need to work inside out.. need to work it out.. but instead.. I make cupcakes.. swirly swirly chocolate with cherry pie centers.. I know how to work a recipe..

all dry things .. shift.. and blend.. all wet things.. fold and stir.. coming together in swirly swirly chocolate..

rich moist little cakes.. so easy to make.. so easy to finish.. I find myself relaxing into myself.. working it out.. breathing deep.. letting it go.. I have so much to do.. but for now.. I think I will make frosting..

Love is...

laughing and giggling on a road trip with sweet Tim so much we miss the exit signs ~ love is

being one of my youngest lotus blossom daughter's Valentines .. proven by a text of xoxoxos ~ love is

passing the time driving to work talking about life with my oldest lotus blossom daughter ~ love is

"Mom ..it's an adventure" directions from my laughing son because I do not want to share a bathroom in Italy ~ love is

early morning Saturday sessions at Starbucks with dear cupcake runner friends ~ love is

hot air balloons filling early morning sky ~ love is

fighting cancer ~ love is

Life .. Life... Life.. ~ love is ~ mine

take a deep breath...

"take a deep breath".. the words that make my heart pound.. my hands shake.. they make me a bit sick to my stomach.. "take a deep breath Mary.. I am going to biopsy a couple areas.. they look a bit strange.... could be radiation damage.. but not sure"..clearly.. calmly states the eagle eyed Dr. Grade two weeks ago..

It is hard to take a deep breath.. when you have the breath knocked out of you.. while you are trying to stay calm.. remembering that you have made promises.. to accept what ever comes your way.. to embrace it.. and fight it . and win ..

It is hard to take a deep breath.. when you are a multi level cancer survivor and if you are not getting a check up or follow up or felt up for one cancer.. you are getting a check up or follow up or felt up for the other.. but you "take a deep breath" and wait for the biopsy to be over.. feeling sick to your stomach.. remembering that you have made promises..

It is hard to take a deep breath and let it out.. you hold it.. for days.. maybe for a week .. maybe into the next week.. until they call.. and say.. benign..

"let the breath out.. Mary.. sink into the breath.. relax.. breath cool clean air deep into your lungs.. let your heart beat slow down.. your breathing slow.. wipe the tears away.. you are not fearful.. you are determined..and for this moment.. cancer free..

~ Merriam Webster Dictionary ~ Benign - of a gentle disposition : gracious . 2. a : showing kindness and gentleness b : favorable, wholesome ...