endings and beginnings..

it makes sense to me on the last day of the year that I would write my last note on Radiated Cupcakes.. it is time for a change.. and for me to go in a different direction.. I am at the fork in the road..looking to see which path I need to take.. all I know.. all I feel ..is that it is a different path from the one I have been on.  I am stronger than ever.. more determined than before to make a difference each and every day..

this year has been full of ups and downs.. favorite things and disappointments.. in looking back over the year.. my friends and family seem to have taken the spotlight.. pushing away from my mind the constant worry of cancer and stomping down the fear of it returning...there are things that stand out in my mind as I reminisce over this last year..

my friend Anita... one of the best ingredients in my recipe of life ..is moving on to different things due to downsizing at my work and even though I know this is an open door for her to be in a place that acknowledges her for who she is.. I do not know how I will manage without her by my side .. day in and day out.. her gift to me was that I learned to accept who I was.. she helped me understand that trying to do better and change for the better is not being defeated or giving up.. it is actually winning....

my wonderful cousin by marriage GianFranco.. who was "strong like Popeye"  even though he lost his short battle against cancer this year..I think every day of the gift of meeting him this year in Italy.. spending time with his family and learning a bit more about the story of the two brothers.. one that stayed in Italy and one that risked everything by coming to America..I come from a long line of risk takers.. strong stock..

my cupcake runner friends that encourage me to run....or walk ..or just come have coffee.. I realize that I really want to fly like the wind.. even if that is just under a 16  min mile.. and be cheered over a finish line..they have made me believe that all things can be done.. all you need are colorful socks, a St. Anthony medal and maybe a tutu...

I spent this year watching my two lotus blossom daughters come together and walk 60 miles to fight cancer with their brother being the fundraising CEO to help them hit their targets.. they all have their own journeys but share with me a passion to be something more..

and Sweet Tim who is always by my side.. letting me know we can get through anything together and that we will have years more to share. 

as this year comes to an end .. so does this blog... I wish for you a new beginning.. each and every day we get a chance to start over.. do something new.. take your chance.. take a risk..

I Wish You... by Anonymous

I wish you bright mornings and warm, sunny days,
Soft shade to cool you from sweltering rays,
Raindrops, a few, from some cloud floating by,
Rainbows thereafter to color your sky.

M

my mother's gifts...

this will be the second Christmas that my mother celebrates in Heaven.. I am sure by now she is running the place.. making crosses with the Palm Sunday Palms that everyone has displayed on their cloud appropriately.. she probably has hostess cupcakes hidden every where and surely is eating sour cream on everything she can..

my beautiful dark haired West Virgina girl has been sending me hints this week that she plans on celebrating with us this year..and has starting sending gifts for me to open..

the first gift ... the #1 child born .. better know by my mother as "sweet pea"...has decided to carry on the tradition of gag gifts opened on Christmas Eve.. you have to live through the hilarity of opening a box with blow up clown feet, Holiday vests and crazy tshirts to appreciate this Christmas Eve ritual.. names were drawn this week.. and we all have a gift to purchase..

after years of my mother sending fake letters from the Pope, Santa, The Mafia and I think one year... Neil Diamond... to get my husband to open presents on Christmas Eve.. we settled into ripping open mailed boxes that were packed with Pop Tarts and Ding Dong Cakes that cushioned the precious cargo.. my children grew to love this and that memory of her will be with us forever because of this new but same tradition.

the second gift.. at an ornament exchange this week, I met a woman that loved Christmas trees.. she had tons.. in every room.. and collected ornaments.. just like my mother.. we chatted about how there is always room for one more shiny ball.. or feathered plume .. nestled deep in green branches.. my mother loved those kinds of trees... I will have to go out now and find one more ornament..to tuck away for her in the branches of our tree..

the third gift.. movies are being shown that she loved.. at the gym I noticed that instead of disturbing news or sports or stocks on a television a few pieces of equipment down.. a movie.. "Christmas in Connecticut" .. one of my mother's favorites.. it took me a bit by surprise..no one watches movies at the gym.. but I found myself peering down the way.. a few pieces of equipment down the row.. and watched.. and lived for a moment... times with my mother when she would stop everything and talk me into watching one of "those movies"... even though I complained at the time.. I love those movies now..

there are a few days left.. Christmas will be here soon.. celebrated with my mother's gifts...

Merry Christmas Mom..

believe..

everyone has their journey.. it is often easy to lose ourselves in our own efforts to find our way and to not pay attention to others as they wander to their destination.. hopefully we will realize a blessing when someone waves for our attention because they need a bit of help.. it is so much easier to climb a path with someone.. giving a hand up.. or a firm push..  and accepting one in the rough spots... when you are done you turn around and wave.. and start off in a new direction...because you are ready ...you believe in what is ahead..

a blessing came my way recently in the form of a family friend.. a young man that we watched grow from child to young adult.. after many years of different paths.. he has been embraced back to us.. he was a ball player in his youth.. good at every sport.. in my minds eye I always see him in the front yard of his house.. tossing a football or baseball to someone..

I learned a lot about the goodness of people from his parents ...his grandmother taught me that to really read your fortune with cards.. you had "to have a shot first".. I learned to stuff artichokes, make sauce.. hold hands around a temporary table in the basement laden down with tons of food.. my youngest lotus blossom carries his mother's middle name as her own and they made my path easier and fun....

the ball player learned a lot of things from his parents and grandparents as well.. to respect and love them.. to care for them as they grew older.. to do the right thing.. he was blessed that his father had clarity enough before he passed to look him in the eye and tell him what a good son he was....  he cares for his mother in the same loving way.. he knows that her time is short and she misses her one true love .. she is ready.. she believes..

he called recently.. to reach out...for a hand up.. going through a rough spot realizing his mother is coming to the end of her journey.. so  I shared a story of my first born's beginning day at school.. she was full of excitement.. and did not hesitate to get out of the car.. we had helped her prepare for this day.. we told her to trust in her journey.. do not fear the unknown... wonderful things were in front of her.. and she believed..

when she got out of the car.. she walked away.. no tears.. no hesitation.. she knew that this was the start of something great.. at the last minute.. she turned.. smiled and waved.. then she was gone.. I felt such relief..and even though her brother and I were sobbing as we left for home... for that moment I knew that I had done the right thing.. that she was prepared.. that there were going to be rough times.. and wonderful times.. but most of all that I had seen her turn around and wave...she believed...

the beginning of life and the end of life are often the same.. if we have done our job.. no hesitation.. no fear.. they believe in what is ahead... and if we believe as well.. we see them turn and wave goodbye..

in a moment

if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you will become a Relayer..

...it is that simple.. I walk a track every year and have for 5 years to raise money to fight cancer.. I became a Relayer because of one moment.. a second actually 5 years ago.. walking a track with other survivors.. at my first Relay For Life.

the first relay was short for me.. not a relay at all.. I cannot remember how I ended up at the local high school.. walking a survivor lap.. with people that I did not know.. in a blur of not sure what I was doing and why I was doing it.. looking around and seeing others with cancer.. but I did not feel anything.. not a connection at all.. I was there because I did not know where else to go and someone had invited me..

I think it was by invite..via an email.. or maybe it was a phone call.... that time for me is fuzzy.. . I have trouble remembering details..  I know now that cancer patients are kept track of and somehow I got an invite.. to celebrate more birthdays.. to celebrate my survival against all odds.. just a lap is all.. OK maybe two.. the first yourself.. the second your loved ones... then it seems the world flows on to the track to walk the third... and Relay begins.

I have told this story before I know.. of overwhelming emotion as I took step after step.. I had no direction.. so I followed.. followed the crowd.. the leaders.. you find that you chat with others on that lap..with others around you .. you chat to rid yourself  of the fear of others knowing..you have cancer.. there.. it is OUT.. it is IN THE OPEN...  you don't know what you are doing.. you are not sure why you are there.. but you  follow the crowd.. and the tears are in your throat almost ready to come out..and you walk..

if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you walk next to another woman named Mary.. you chat and tell each other your story.. short.. no details.. and if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. the woman will tell you that "you are walking next to Hope".. because she is a survivor.. for multiple years.. not days.. not months.. not years.. and she walks..

you listen to her.. and start to look around.. you see every ones faces lifted up.. for all to see.. tears and laughter and hope shines through.. how silly not to see it right away.. but in a moment .. it is clear to see..  and you connect... to something so much bigger than a cell out of control.. so much more wondrous than you can imagine.. and the relief flows through you like a ray of light.. and tears are finally released... and you will remember that moment forever.. and how that moment tells you.. you will be there the next year.. and the next year..

...just in case someone needs to walk next to Hope.

OnStar and the journey

Each journey starts and finishes.. and there are many many that we take through out our lives.. some people think it is one journey but we change so much with each curve in the road and hill we trudge up.. I just don't think that we really are the same people at the beginning.. the middle and the end?  I don't think so.. we learn and grow with each wonderful event as well as each heart breaking set back.. and we develop tools to use for each journey that we take.. I wish there was a way I could use just use OnStar..

For those of you that do not know (from all of the commercials) OnStar is a navigating system.. simple.. quick.. you just press the blue button and a person starts talking to you through the radio speakers.. asking you how you are and how they can assist you.... a person that talks through the radio when you press the blue button.. I was blessed with him and or her when I purchased my new car.. free trail offer.. this is exceptionally good for me because I get lost in a grocery store.. all my friends know it.. I have no sense of direction and only knew where I was growing up because of the huge mountain that was west of where I lived..

So far the little blue button has helped me find a number of things when I have "gone too far" as I am always saying . "do you think I have gone too far?" is a statement more than a question and all of my friends have heard it more than once..  Now I never need to ask that again.. I just press the little blue button and some one is kind enough not to laugh that I am lost again.. and downloads instructions that steer me in the correct direction..

Like today for Mayo Clinic.. where I am starting a new journey.. even though the building is huge and has a sky high sign that tells everyone the name.... I felt the need today to tell the him and or her that answered my blue button call the address of my new Gynecological Oncologist..  He was determined to be necessary after my new primary physician... whose name I cannot pronounce (and will be further referenced as Dr. Wy)... spoke to me about the rareness of my first cancer and the need for better follow up than I was getting.. just to make sure.. a better look.. and there it was sneaking around in my mind.. so I decided to let the him and or her give me the directions.. hoping that somehow I would end up at a  Dairy Queen or somewhere else.. away from the old fear that will not completely go away..

It stayed with me today as my directions were downloaded and I headed towards the building that I always see from the freeway that I take to my home.. it made me almost cry when reviewing my medical history with a smaller version of Fonzie with an accent of some kind.. I kept thinking this needs to be a giggle moment.. but none came out.. some dysplasia noted tucked away where it could barely be seen.. but he found it..

"Not to worry" he said.. and I felt the fear start up my spine.. "better safe than sorry...we will check it out.. no signs of cancer but we want to look a bit closer at this one area.. don't worry.. a little laser if need be and done".. Dr. Fonzie with the accent shook my hand and said.. "you know it is good that you have more follow up"..he said with smile..

So back to the car... press the blue button.. I am going to need assistance....I am looking for the directions to cancer free.

I think I am Lois Lane ..and why she is a Super Hero..

So I think I am Lois Lane.. I had to pick a Super Hero that I wanted to be in order to have a Relay For Life alias and I immediately picked Lois Lane..  I am on the committee this year and working with other Heros of Hope to put together a night of magic.. in which survivors and caregivers are welcomed and celebrated.. I have written before about Relay and how I found my footing on the track with my teammates of life.. I trust them.. listen to those teammates.. but there is a problem with them lately.. ..no one thinks Lois is a Super Hero..

Lois was a tough reporter...and in my mind.. if she had not discovered all of those stories in the first place.. Clark Kent / Superman would have just been hanging around adjusting his tights.. I don't think of her as a victim at all.. she was a writer.. I am a writer.. she leaps before thinking.. I am constantly doing that.. she is analytical and often reads things into situations that may be a bit over the top.. soooo me.. She loves life and adventure and there would not BE a Superman without Lois.. they are one.. Because of her the world was rotated backwards and Superman saved everyone.. she is the reason he is Superman..

I was very much Lois earlier this week when I had my first well check up in years.. yes a well check up.. that means nothing is wrong of much importance.. you get blood work done, knees tapped..."open wide.. say aaaaahhhhhh"... follow the light with my eyes..  the Lois in me had a list of questions.. it was an interview of sorts.  No I did not have my pencil behind my ear.. but I did carry my note pad ready to jot down each fact as it came out in the investigation..

Even though I appreciate all they have done and the efforts they have made to save my life.. I have always considered my doctors a bit of  "the Villains".. I think from the beginning there is going to be a snip or a poke or a machine circling around me to tell me things I do not want to hear.. only a Villain would tell you "if you are going to have cancer.. this is the best kind".. right?

So I was a bit thrown off when Wonder Woman walked into the room.. tall, dark haired and wait... yep she has on the bracelets..  I told her about my fatigue and after taking the "9 point test for depression" she realized my problem was not depression but too many Oreos and put me on a "watch everything you put in your mouth " calorie diet.. "it doesn't matter how many miles you go Mary.. it is the calories" she said.. I immediately think.. Could this be Lex Luther in disguise?..

As the visit went on I realized that she was in fact one of the good guys.. easy to talk to.. funny and smart.. it became clear that it going to be hard to argue with Wonder Woman.. even if you are Lois Lane..

Where is that Superman when you need him.. someone is going to have to hide the Oreos!

strong like Popeye

Gianfranco did the Popeye pose.. arms up.. showing his muscles as he told me.. "Don't worry.. I am strong like Popeye'.. this comment coming after telling me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer..


Our visit to Italy this last year to visit family living in an ancient city just outside of Rome started with the revelation that even in this beautiful land.. cancer still surrounded me. The next few days were a whirl of churches, wonderful food and loving people.. all with the haziness of foreboding that these were to be our last memories of a long lean Italian with a wonderful sense of humor..

Gianfranco, the husband of my cousin Mara, lost his battle this last week against cancer.. at the same time I was listening to inspirational stories about survivors at a Relay for Life Summit.. Gianfranco took his last breath surrounded by his wife, son and daughter whom it was very clear in a two day visit that he adored..and they adored him..

When you are surrounded by survivors.. you forget.. even if for a minute, an hour or a day.. that people do not survive.. there are some that pass on surrounded by love and people whose hearts are broken.

As Mara, my cousin, said in her email.. " I thank you for the prayers but they aren't be enough for holding back him with us, however follow to pray for him and for us that are lost without him"..

My heart is broken over and over as I lose strong and determined friends and family.. but I think I will try to "be strong like Popeye".. make the muscle arm.. and remember Gianfranco in my heart forever..

it's only Tuesday and the basil is dead..

Today I had to be told it was only Tuesday even though I could SWEAR it was Wednesday... and then to top the day off...I realized the basil plant outside my door had succumbed to the 110 plus degree heat.. and .. OK.. lack of water..  this leads me to believe .. I need to slow down..

I became a farmer this year.. yes .. I planted crops in pots all over the place.. strawberry plants.. (dead).. tomato plants.. (lived long enough to harvest two very tough tiny tomatoes)... and basil.. green .. wonderful.. fragrant basil.. or as my friend Marie at work says... "Italian Marijuana".. because it is addictive.. washed, rolled and chopped into long slivers .. added to red sauce or toasted pine nuts, garlic and olive oil...sigh.. it's dead.. from heat, lack of water and a too busy schedule..

I am grateful every day that I continue to be cancer free.. that my sweet Tim never forgets to kiss me good night.... for my lessons learned and the new recipes of life to try.. but when an Italian's basil plant dies.. it is a sign to slow down..

I have added lots to my plate other than tough tomatoes and green fragrant basil.. budgets at work.. new employees, Relay for Life 2012..working out and trying to be a real runner..  I want to be a thriver not just a survivor.. but my basil died.. I want to stop eating sugar, drink more tea, eat healthier foods, get plenty of rest, exercise exercise ... but I have realized today.. I want most of all to remember what day it is..

...... and to water my basil..

the deal maker...

I am remembering asking for 2 more years.. 5 years ago.. making a deal.. asking for more time.. I figured I could get ready if I had 2 more years.. I said it out loud.. in my car .. driving home.. I need ..hummm.. 2 more.. you HAVE to give me 2 more... and as the 2 years went by.. turning into 3.. nudging up to 4.. I forgot that I made promises.. made deals... until the second knock on my door.. cancer again..it brought me back.. to the day in my car.. when I promised I would get ready if I could get 2 more years..

I know that I pushed from my mind with each birthday that went by.. the deal I made a lifetime ago..  the promises ..because you are never ready.. not really.. but I was willing to negotiate again.. the deal this time had to be different.. I figured if I could get ready if I just had a lifetime.. yes.. a lifetime..  to grow old with my loved ones.. to really try to run... to never forget to say I love you to my husband.. to always kiss my children.. to make all of the arrangements that everyone must.. cancer or no cancer..

So I've tried to get ready.. .. to live with an open mind.. to appreciate every minute... and take care of details..... this year I planned my funeral.. picked out where I want to float over the earth to the ground... and I had to think of what I would say to summarize a life.. at the end of a life?.. so as I get ready to celebrate another birthday I thought I would share with you my summary.. 

She died of natural causes at a very old age and she never really believed she aged past the moment she met her sweet Tim...

She not only loved her family each and every day she was amazed by them and they knew it..

She took up the cause to fight a dreaded disease with her most important hope being to lead fellow fighters into the light.. the light of knowledge, strength and courage..

She loved to cook.. and spent her last years .. eating ANYTHING she wanted.. including ice cream (EVERY DAY)..

Her life changed when she stopped asking God for things.. and started thanking him for moments..

She died of natural causes at a very old age and she was VERY good at making deals..

yep.. this is a good deal..

the candle

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I should think what it means to hold this fragile light

Should I walk a lap or maybe two and memorize the names

Of all the loved ones whose lives won’t ever be the same

Before I light this candle and protect it from the wind

Should I read the stories of what was and what has been

Before I light this candle and read the sad goodbyes

Should I promise that I will always cry

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I have to promise you that I will always fight

Relay 2012

it is time.. the journey to normal

it is time.. time to recognize what the new normal has become..my entire year has been finding my normal.. and realizing suddenly recently.. that seeking.. learning.. growing every moment has become my normal now..it is just like trying new recipes.. some work.. some don't .. the favorites you tuck away to bring out again when you need them..

it is time..time to realize that I find normal every day.. with new habits.. learned things.. great friends .. overcoming fear.. I have overcome fear.. it is normal for me to push it down and conquer it..

I am starting to recognize myself again.. me.. only different..I feel stronger.. wiser.. and more unwilling to give up.  I am here for a purpose.. a destiny.. a life.. I am looking in the mirror and it is coming in to focus..

it is time.. time to understand that the journey continues.. it doesn't end.. what is normal today will change tomorrow and it is exciting.. fulfilling and hopeful.. the recipe changes with a new spice here.. and wonderful found flavor there..

it is time.. time to celebrate there is no end to the journey.. and that feels wonderfully normal

the one minute rewards..

we are gearing up.. for 5Ks and longer runs.. my Saturday friends.. the cupcakes.. the runners.  I am more of a walker than a runner.. I always do the 2 miles and often am waiting at the end for the longer runs to finish..

I watch them come up the hill and have learned to recognize their strides.. fast and floating.. one seems to skim over the ground.. another is bouncy and light...so light on her feet that she seems like she is bouncing her way up the hill.. like an adorable Tigger.. but with running shoes..

you learn a lot from a group of women.. especially if they are runners and you share Saturday coffee at Starbucks.... they train each other.. really it is nurturing and not training.. I always try to listen to the messages around me when I am with them..

"you will feel wonderful when you finish the half.. you can do it and you will always remember it"... (dream big and always look for the finish)..

"run and then walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. walk for a minute" ..(take a minute for yourself when things are crazy hectic.. even if just to catch your breath)..

"test the gummie things before a race... they might not agree with you and then it's too late".. (have a plan and be prepared...you might have to throw up!)..

my one minute rewards this year have not come from walking between runs.. but rather runners themselves..making their way across the finish line.. cheering each other on.. sipping coffee and laughing around a table that should only fit 4 but accommodates 10 if need be..

so don't forget .. walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. for one wonderful minute

I'm Julie Andrews...

There is a part in the move "The Sound of Music" were Julie Andrews is singing atop a beautiful mountain...  her arms flung open.... singing about the hills being alive.. she can't help it.. her heart is so full and she feels the beauty of everything around her.... today I am Julie Andrews... but instead of a mountain I am laying back at the end of my checkup.. waiting for my doctor to say those dreaded words I have heard over and over this last 5 years.. "I think we need to biopsy this one little area"....

"Things look great Mary".. the eagle eyed Patricia said.. "REALLY?".. I had to prop myself up on my elbows and look at her... make eye contact.. after all she was the one that found it first.. where it never should have been.. unexpected and almost missed.. except for eagle eyed Patricia.."REALLY??"
"See you in 6 months" she said with a very big smile.. "REALLY??"

I know that I can spin around on this thing.. with my arms flung open.. singing about the feeling of being alive and the beauty of everything around me.. I might look a bit silly but after chemo and radiation and all the things that come with it.. silly isn't bad. 

You can call me "Ms. Andrews"..

always rainbows

my son is driving in a truck today.. taking a trip from Nashville TN back to Washington DC with his darling girlfriend's items.. I always think of her as the Princess in Tangled.. not that she is stuck in a tower in any way.. but every time I see that movie ( it is a favorite) and watch the Princess using that long long hair to swing over the green grass.. touching her tippy toes down to experience something for the first time.. and then yelling with joy .. it always reminds me of her..

this week she was facing the unknown, tippy toe at a time, moving from Nashville to Washington when her grandmother passed..Tony had gone down to collect things and attend the services and on his drive back we talked about remembrances and things that he felt were moving during the services.. and we talked about signs..

I am a big believer in signs..

when birds fly close I always think of my own grandmother.. maybe because she set me free... always there to give hope and guidance, love, hugs and assurance... she allowed me to soar when I had no wings.. so now when I see the swooping and graceful turns of birds.. I think of it as her message to me.. to glide with the wind.. fly up as high as you can go.. then lay back and let the air carry you to your destination..

My son and I talked about how he was so touched by the eulogy and how he thought it was such a great idea for us to journal so that our loved ones would be able to share memories and stories about our life after we are gone.. so often important messages come across in stories.. ones that we are unable to see when our loved ones are here.. I mentioned that I thought often about my mother's passing and how it was so abrupt.. I did not think she was ready and I worried that she felt lost.. when he said "there is a rainbow here mom... and it is not even raining."  

I am a big believer in signs

I know she has found her way.. as we all will.. and that gives me the courage to fly..

no matter where you sneak

no flowers.. no jewelry.. no dinners or wine.. one year ago tomorrow, I made the decision to remove faulty parts.. cut out evilness and put myself in God's hands again.  I will celebrate my 1 year mastectomy surgery anniversary tomorrow with a workout, green tea, stubbornness and strength..

stronger on my mind is my 5 year anniversary of the first cancer.. the first one found by an eagle eyed doctor... that 5 year mark that everyone talks about and I have found means nothing.. I know too many that have gone past the 5 year, the 6 year, the 10 year.. only to fight again.. but the mark looms in the my future this year.. that anniversary is in November and even though I say it means nothing.. it seems to mean everything instead.

a Saturday conversation with a sweet running friend brought up an "inside my head conversation" that I go over and over each time I hear of someone with cancer.. she had experienced with a friend in college that friend's fight against cancer.. and when a child of hers was sick recently.. some of those memories swirled around in her head.. familiar symptoms.. making her stomach tight with an empty feeling I am sure.. until she knew for sure it was nothing.. nothing more than a childhood illness.. but memories were brought back.  She said she thought of me and other cancer survivors ... how the memories must always be tip toeing around.. in the back of our minds..

a very perceptive statement  .. something will trigger a memory ..it could be a smell or an ache that starts heart pounding feelings and all of a sudden .. you feel it tip toeing around your mind... not up front.. but lurking.. sneaking up ..

there is a game that I recall playing as a child.... where you have a mallet and you stand in front of the game machine..waiting ..watching for plastic heads to pop up and you smack them down as hard as you can.. beware things that tip toe around my brain.. I am very very good at that game..


The anniversaries.. they come and go

I count the days one by one you know
I celebrate the breath of life
And fight to keep in warm sunlight
You cannot hurt me.. you are weak
I will live my life no matter where you sneak
One more year.. I am cancer free
Thank you god for what you have given me

Happy Anniversary to me... <3

from the inside out...

today I attended a team building seminar that included some building blocks of how to do "the work" ..  to help us be happier... more productive... better communicators..  I have been working on how to do "the work" for a while ...especially this last year....

one sentence in the literature we were given stood out...not bold letters, underlined or really big font... but my eye settled on it right away... "work from the inside to the outside"..

one of the things I am finding in common with other cancer survivors.. the ones that Thrive.. not just Survive.. is that we are working from the inside.. we change our priorities.. we set new standards.. we forgive .. love harder... share more of ourselves (sometimes more than people want us to).. and turn ourselves inside out in our journey to leave a legacy..

the best thing ..from my point of view... about from the inside out.. is that there is immediate effects..pleasure.. profound appreciation.. it is not something you have to make a plan for other than to start.. you can choose one minute to find gratitude in something from your day.. one second to be flexible or offer service.. a glimmer of time to tell someone you love them.. hug them ..

it is not a goal that you have to work up to... even thinking about it is a start.. shining up the insides.. glowing through all the hurt, pain, scary things that we deal with.. it is hope that ends up shining through.. from the inside out.. it is hope..

start at 100 lbs ...

this last week I attended The Susan G Komen Survivor Education and Empowerment Conference with a fellow breast cancer survivor.. I was ready.. I need empowerment.. and I came away with one statement that I keep going over and over in my mind... if you are 5ft... start at 100 lbs..

the conference was full of information, stories shared and wonderful viewpoints..

Anne of  The Wellness Center here in Phoenix told her story of change, taking charge and trying to find her way to normal.. while her husband wanted to prepare for the future and a rainy day.. she wanted to experience life to the fullest and never miss a moment.. at odds with each other it took 23 years of survivor ship to meet lovingly in the middle.. I found myself nodding at words she used to describe her journey..those are my words.. we are the same in so many ways..

Donald of Mayo Clinic told us about wonderful trials and treatment changes that have resulted from research...the fact that he looked like Fonzie from Happy Days..only with gray hair and a sports jacket instead of leather.. just made us all lean forward and listen to his confident words.. any moment I was waiting for him to walk over to a juke box.. hit it somewhere in the middle and music would come spilling out across the auditorium..

and then came Barbara of Cancer Treatment Centers of America with her list of cancer fighting foods, the importance of eating not just "well".. but "right" and how you start at 100 lbs..being over weight is not something you want to be if you are fighting cancer.. fat holds things ..like cancer causing estrogen .. and you need to make that go away..  if you are 5 ft.. you start at 100 lbs.. and for every inch more of you.. add 5lbs..

that makes my goal 115 lbs... really.. ok wait... really...  if I start at 5 ft .. and I add 5 lbs for each of my 3 inches = 115 lbs.   Considering my purse on grocery day weighs that .. and I have not since I was 14 yrs old.. I felt a bit discouraged.. starting at 100 lbs..

In the end.. I did feel empowered.. I felt confident.. I realized I cannot do everything today.. this minute.. in a breath.. I don't have to return to normal today or tomorrow... I can sigh and lean forward to listen to the Fonz talk about medications and new research that tells us they work.. and I don't have to start at 100 lbs today... I have to just start... so.. as I sit here eating my no sugar added fudge pop...I am determined to keep doing the 2 miles 4 times a week, eat my veggies.. continue to envy people that drink diet coke.. sink into the breath and NEVER GIVE UP... oh and make a  mental note to empty that heavy purse out...

the needle guy at Melonhead...

My journey never stops.. it moves and flows .. sometimes crazy.. sometimes slow.. and if you are lucky..lucky like me.. here and there you receive special gifts... I have received a  present.. ..  remarkable Jose... my friends The Mikes brought him to me..

The Mikes are a moving part of a wonderful thing called the Melonhead Foundation.  This is place of nurturing for families of children with cancer.. and for others that need healing..like me..  My sweet Tim and I are lucky.. we have insurance.. we make a living that has enabled us to pay for the cost of fighting cancer.. I was an adult when I was diagnosed...  not a child.. not a parent of a child that had to leave their job to cradle their babies fighting to stay alive.. not a parent of a child that did not know where the money was going to come from to pay electric bills, rent or buy gas to get to treatments.. At Melonhead they help those parents and children..They do wonderful things at Melonhead ..  including bringing me the remarkable Jose..

Jose is a needle guy.. acupuncture is a wonderful thing... a new thing for me.. and ..ok I am going to share this ... it makes me ping..

For those of you that have never pinged... it is when you feel like all of the neutrons in your body are zapping back and forth.. like a pin ball machine.. remarkable Jose walks around you...putting a needle here... a needle there..  and before you know it.. you fill balanced, relaxed and energized at the same time.. and you ping..

to the needle guy at Melonhead.. thanks

http://www.melonhead.org/   

mother's day messages...

this weekend, some friends and I visited another Relay for Life.. our local Relay had been cut short.. wind blowing tents, chairs and luminaries everywhere.. although satisfying in many ways.. many of us felt
the night was unfinished and rushed... halfway through the night we had to breakdown, pack up, give up against the wind and the dust.. so this weekend.. heading into Mother's day.. we thought to visit one more..

one of the stories told at our Relay by a young son of a survivor talked about how he and his mother visited many relays.. they always picked a name from among the white decorated glowing bags and walked a lap for that person.. the story touched me in so many ways.. we often think only of ourselves.. we are so focused on the fight that we don't take the time to pray for others.. walk for others.. so heading into Mother's day some of my team mates and I piled into a car and made our way to walk more laps..

there was no wind.. it was very calm.. and as we got there...luminaries lined the track as well as spelled out HOPE on the bleachers.. no wind.. just beautiful clear skies full of stars.. looking down on the hundreds of people..walking .. so we began to look.. to pick out the person we were going to walk for.. and we started reading.. not just names but messages.. written in crayon, magic marker..pasted flowers, heart felt words and designs...  to moms..

"I will love you forever".. "I miss you Mom"... "In memory of".. "my heart is with you"... "fight.. fight.. fight".. all messages... mother's day messages to those here and gone.. and when the candles were lit.. they glowed.. the words.. the messages.. the hope and the love.. they flowed up and out of the bags.. swirling around us.. and on to the stars.. those mother's day messages.. and we each walked a lap.. for someones mom.. and sent our own mother's day messages..

Happy Mother's Day

the purple princess

I became a purple princess...
on a recent wonderful night..

I was given a silver Tiara..
that fit on my head just right..

It had a purple stone and purple feathers too...
I think I could be a purple princess.. my whole life through..

Thank you Heather for making our survivor laps so special <3 

the first lap...

in less than a week.. I step on a track and take a first lap.. and relay...

this is my 5th year participating in the Relay for Life event in my neighborhood.... and a million light years from last year..last year I walked the survivor's lap.. the first lap.. waiting for results from a biopsy after suspicious symptoms and a frighting mammogram.. but I relayed.. with family, friends and strangers.. walking the lap being congratulated on being a survivor and wondering each step.. am I?  am I a survivor again? I stepped on to the track.. frightened and worried.. unsure of myself and who I was and where I was going..when my loved ones joined me for the second lap.. it was almost too much for me.. I had to resist running to them and screaming.. am I?  am I a survivor again?

what a difference a year makes..this year I step on to the track for the lap.. grateful for this journey.. sure of myself.. knowing who I am.. and what purpose I have..determined to run my race.. walk my laps and hold hands with others that do the same.. our race this year has theme laps.. zany fun ideas like a 50's, 60's lap where I can be the hippie of my youth.. pajama lap where I can be the old woman in curlers with the huge slippers..

I realize it is putting the first footprint down..I guess the first lap is the hardest in any race.. you have to find your pace.. steady your breathing.. as you put one foot in front of the other.. you have to know when to push yourself.. and when to take it slower..you have to have laps that are silly..laps that are fun..laps where you cry..  and when you are not quite sure what lap you are on... you have to have a team that yells, pushes, laughs and loves you .. one more step.. one more lap.. it is the start that is important.. and lap after lap you find your normal.. you become yourself.. the person that God has given you to be...

It seems so easy this year.. stepping on to the track.. putting one foot down... on the first lap..

the attitude of gratitude..

it is Easter Sunday.. a time for family get togethers and as my yogi sweet Shannon said Friday night.. it is time for an attitude of gratitude.. her class was packed this week.. word has gotten out that sweet Shannon wrings the stress out of your body with a twist to the left and a stretch to the right.. her sing songy voice in a quiet darken room takes away the weeks toxic stress and lulls you into thinking you can do it again the next week..

as I get ready for the day.. I am counting my blessings.. husband, family and friends..wonderful Saturdays with friends followed by coffee and oatmeal at a local coffee shop.. I find myself finding my humor again.. memories that are not full of cancer and surgeries ..battles and strategies..  I find it easier to breath this week.. deep cleansing breaths... I will keep working on my attitude of gratitude... and the healing continues..

a life full of rainbows..

everyone up North here saw the rainbows this weekend.. double ones.. vibrant and shining.. glowing with rays of light flowing down to the earth with the color... this weekend started out drizzly.. cold and raining.. Emma's run.. an anniversary.. a long long year has gone by.. one that seems like yesterday and yet far away in the distance.. I participated in Emma's run again this year.. not as fast as last year.. but my team mates kept me going.. like they always do.. my team mates and special ingredient friends.. and rainbows..

As I waited for the final runners to come to the finish line.. in the drizzly.. cold and rain.. I suddenly felt a kaleidoscope of colors and memories rushing in.. last year..running up the hill.. seeing a team mate step out and yell.. my first race.. in a long line of life races to come this year..

who knew... do we ever know.. what life holds for us... who knew.. where courage comes from.. how many more hills to come.. It suddenly seemed very real and I realized.. it was not a dream.. it had happened day after day.. cancer again.. more surgeries and the death of my mother.. I started to cry .. lost in the memories of a year that seemed unreal.. for a moment in time.. suspended ..for a moment in time.. with me looking in..

I found myself folded into the embrace of team mates.. many who stood by me as I ran up my hills.. hugged back to the moment.. encouraged to "complete not compete".. I felt home.. safe and ready to run another race.. up another hill..

later in the day.. I saw the rainbow.. people stopping to take pictures.. it was so bright.. so glowing.. and I remembered ..look up..look up.. focus on the finish line is the lesson I have learned.. look up to the finish.. and make sure you look for rainbows..

my 2 miles and the lime green shirt

not a lot of cupcake runners showed up this Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m... there was girl scouts and camping and only a handful came out.. so my run/walk 2 miles was unaccompanied...

my 2 miles takes me up and around and down .. around the park.. the ponds, the trees and the waterfalls.. I walk past the soccer fields..run all the down hill parts that I can.. the beauty of the park in the morning helps me resist the temptation to run across the street to McDonald's..I love this route in the spring.. the buds on the trees are starting to bloom and it is quiet except for the birds greeting the new morning..

this Saturday, these 2 miles belong to me..only me.. just me... I have walked/run these miles time after time.. Saturday morning after Saturday morning.. deep in thought.. listening to music.. sometimes skipping and holding my arms out to feel the air as it goes by.. depending on the song....I sometimes feel like I am flying..always thinking.. always going over fate in my head..

this Saturday I was thinking...coming down the hill.. that we cannot escape our destiny or our fates.. I have felt over whelmed with news of my favorite ingredient friend Anita's parents both fighting cancer.. first her father and now her mother with breast cancer.. I have felt over whelmed with news of my Italian family's Gianfranco.. now diagnosed with lung cancer.. starting the second part of his treatment.. and his wife Mara saying.."it is bad".. I was thinking... I was thinking...

wait.. in the distance...was that a lime green shirt? 

there is a stretch in my 2 miles.. that curves just a bit.. you can tell if someone is on the path coming towards you only because you catch a glimpse of a shirt or hat or pet pulling at a leash.. it was at this curve.. I thought...I felt.. wait.. was that a lime green shirt?  Like the one my friend Linda K wore each time she trained for her 3 day .. along with her team mates....

this feels strangely familiar.. is that a lime green shirt coming up the path.. getting ready to yell.. "there is Julia's mom!" and enclose me in a bear hug that picks me up off of my feet.. and suddenly.. I felt her there.. my friend Linda K.. now an Angel.. done fighting the fight on earth and taking it up where it counts.. for a moment I felt the color of the shirt.. saw her turn the curve.. throw her hands up in the air and heard her yell..

I realized that my fate is set.. that she will always be there with me .. that each day is a day that should be lived with expectation.. waiting for the lime green shirt, the bear hug .. the love and friendship that we are granted.. there in the stretch of my 2 miles.. I felt that I had a destiny..like my friend Linda K.. in her lime green shirt..

the journal and lessons learned...

There is a tradition here at Hotel Davanzati in Florence.. each of the 20 rooms has a leather bound journal on a desk.. and you are invited to write your thoughts about your stay in Florence and this wonderful hotel..

it makes for good reading.. glancing through the pages and the thoughts of people that have been in room 205 over the years.. "we could not have asked for more" one couple commented....there are well wishes for future guests of this room..in many languages..making the room itself feel alive..

so today I wrote in the journal of the room 205 at Hotal Davanzati.. my thanks for such a wonderful visit.  As I wrote my thoughts.. my mind wandered through the moments of the week... and it's lessons which I will share..

the most important things in Italy are a good umbrella and good shoes
you cannot taste all the wonderful flavors of gelato in one week ~ or maybe ever
you can become family in a moment
that it doesn't matter how many years you are married.. when your souls have been together forever
pizza for one is really pizza for two
that each and every day you learn more about life ~ don't waste it ~ taste everything

Ciao ~

va bene ...ok

it is raining today in Florence.. it is a day for churches...so the woman making morning cappuccinos here at the hotel this morning told us.  Sweet Tim and I have returned from Viterbo where we have spent 2 days with distant relatives..driving through Italian wine country.. visiting the home of my Grandfather Davide in the tiny hill town of Ischia di Castro...where a woman looking much like my sister Janet.. came up to us in the church and said.."Belfiore?? I am also a Belfiore!"..  During our visit we were told my cousin Mara's husband Gianfranco was diagnosed in January with lung cancer.. I cannot escape.. it is everywhere.. Gianfranco made a Popeye arm pose.. saying he is strong.. but later Mara told me her hair is gray because it is bad.. he has had radiation and now will have chemotherapy in April.. he is thin and coughing.. but full of humor.. like all Italians..

They accept fate.. believe in destinies and love life...early this week in the market a man tried to sell sweet Tim a leather shoulder bag.. Tim said no.. I have one.. (he currently carrys a beat up canvas bag).. the man thought for a moment and then said.. "va bene..ok.. plastic is good when it rains"..

Italians are made of the stone they build their houses with..strong .. lasting forever.. crumbling only after years of being in the weather.. we survive..we survive..

va bene.. ok

having a good time lately....

I actually had a regular doctor's appointment today.. a well visit instead of a poke.. peek ..heart in my throat visit... It is with a new doctor.. holistic ... to help me get back to normal.  I took in my list.. 2 cancers in 4 years, 2 major surgeries.. one followed by chemo and radiation.. new boobs.... wait.. turn the page over.. more lists..  higher weight.. double chins.. start crying for no reason..feet are swelling.. . oh and I am getting a moustache because I am not allowed to have estrogen.. and wait.. I gave up diet coke to be more healthy.. my favorite thing.. can't sleep, my heart starts pounding for no reason... wait. where is the second page?? oh ....here it is!!  joints hurt.. I think my nose is getting bigger.. when I get out of bed all.. and I mean ALL of my joints crack and creak.. did I mention my joints hurt.. 

The nurse entering my information - from my list that I now carry - turned and said.. "Gosh.. I think I am going to cry.. you have not had a good time lately"..  "I have tissue" I replied..  "go ahead.. you will feel better".. 

After 20 minutes of chatting with my new doctor.. I had new items to add to my list. adrenal glands burned out.. probably need a different blood pressure medicine.. green tea.. lots of water.. yoga.. walking.. can I change jobs? huhhh....no.. next item.. blood work.. more blood work..  at the bottom.. in capital letters I write ..I am not giving up.. I may be a bit side tracked.. I have not been having a good time lately.. but I think that is because sometimes I read from the wrong list..


It took me a minute to find the right one..but after a few deep breaths.. I remembered it..  wonderful family.. smart, loving, sharing kids..they always want to come home.. even if just to eat..  watching my granddaughters turn into beautiful young women.. sweet Tim..Arizona's big blue sky..my Italian is actually getting better.. good friends... good cookbooks...insurance.. a love of high heel shoes (even though I seldom wear them)..wearing bunny rabbit ears for the duration of a 5K... Dunkin and Louie my favorite dogs..  alive. alive.. alive.. I need to count that a few times.. 

Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it's about doing, being and becoming.

It's about the choices you've just made, and the ones you're about to make, it's about the things you choose to say - today.

It's about what you're gonna do after you finish reading this ~ Mike Dooley 

Sounds like a good time to me... 

welcome the benefits that stay...

gentle yoga Fridays... the end of the week surrounded by long flowing white drapes and candle lights.... the end of the week.. stretching.. breathing in and out through my nose.. because that releases tension... listening to sweet Shannon's lilting voice as she talks us through poses to release stress.. strengthen our core..

Shannon's voice lifts at the end of her sentences... she speaks slowly, steadily and at the end there is a bit of a raise in the melody... it leaves you waiting for the next sentence to flow out and guide you through the next pose.. gentle yoga Fridays.. stretching.. breathing in and out ... 

She tells a story in a singing sort of way......like the melodies I remember from Mark .. my youngest  lotus blossom's instructor.... soft.. persistent.. how this opens the flow of the energy in your body.. how your body will find its place.. your breath along with it.. relax into it.. give in.. let go..

"it is not really about flexibility".. she says.. "it is all about adaptability"... let yourself adapt.. your heart .. your mind and your soul.. give in... let your body find its place.. and in the end of each experience.. "say goodbye to the experience and welcome the benefits that stay" ~ Namaste

back to my roots..

finished... finished with 6 month check ups and now I have another 6 months to get ready for the next ones.. never give up Leighton looked closely and remarked... you are a bit higher on one side than the other.. to which his nurse replied.."so am I and these are real".. I love that people put things into perspective on a daily basis for me.. providing giggle moments and moments of laughter..

Leighton asked if I wanted to fix that.. to finish this.. to do more.. "nope".. I replied.. "I am going to Italy instead".. so into his little recorder he stated. "Miss Mary.. looks great and is going back to her roots!"  then to me he asked... "are you bringing by cupcakes soon?

back to my roots.. back to Italy to meet a 3rd cousin....the great granddaughter of an great uncle that 100 years ago decided to stay in his town, in his country , in his life.. while his brother, my great grandfather, wandered off .. for adventures and journeys unknown.. I have been to Italy more than once.. my most wonderful memory was my sweet Tim and I going for 10 days right after my first cancer diagnosis and treatments were done.. "things look good" my oncologist said one day in March.. and I replied "Excuse me you are standing in front of my suitcase."..  That time we went to Rome.. rented an apartment where we healed together in the warm Roman sun.

I am tired.. of cancer.. of worrying about cancer.. of seeing friends with cancer and die of cancer.. this time we are going to Florence..then to my family's birthplace...back to my roots..  where the language is spoken like a song.. and the sun will warm you to the bone while you sit at a table in a piazza watching people stroll by...back to my roots.. where I feel very at home and comfortable.. like I had a life there before...back to my roots.... to heal in the warm sun.

swirly swirly chocolate

I have so much to do.. reports to write.. windshield needs replaced... Doctor's 6 month follow ups need to make.. some times I feel out of breath.. need to work out.. need to work inside out.. need to work it out.. but instead.. I make cupcakes.. swirly swirly chocolate with cherry pie centers.. I know how to work a recipe..

all dry things .. shift.. and blend.. all wet things.. fold and stir.. coming together in swirly swirly chocolate..

rich moist little cakes.. so easy to make.. so easy to finish.. I find myself relaxing into myself.. working it out.. breathing deep.. letting it go.. I have so much to do.. but for now.. I think I will make frosting..

Love is...

laughing and giggling on a road trip with sweet Tim so much we miss the exit signs ~ love is

being one of my youngest lotus blossom daughter's Valentines .. proven by a text of xoxoxos ~ love is

passing the time driving to work talking about life with my oldest lotus blossom daughter ~ love is

"Mom ..it's an adventure" directions from my laughing son because I do not want to share a bathroom in Italy ~ love is

early morning Saturday sessions at Starbucks with dear cupcake runner friends ~ love is

hot air balloons filling early morning sky ~ love is

fighting cancer ~ love is

Life .. Life... Life.. ~ love is ~ mine

take a deep breath...

"take a deep breath".. the words that make my heart pound.. my hands shake.. they make me a bit sick to my stomach.. "take a deep breath Mary.. I am going to biopsy a couple areas.. they look a bit strange.... could be radiation damage.. but not sure"..clearly.. calmly states the eagle eyed Dr. Grade two weeks ago..

It is hard to take a deep breath.. when you have the breath knocked out of you.. while you are trying to stay calm.. remembering that you have made promises.. to accept what ever comes your way.. to embrace it.. and fight it . and win ..

It is hard to take a deep breath.. when you are a multi level cancer survivor and if you are not getting a check up or follow up or felt up for one cancer.. you are getting a check up or follow up or felt up for the other.. but you "take a deep breath" and wait for the biopsy to be over.. feeling sick to your stomach.. remembering that you have made promises..

It is hard to take a deep breath and let it out.. you hold it.. for days.. maybe for a week .. maybe into the next week.. until they call.. and say.. benign..

"let the breath out.. Mary.. sink into the breath.. relax.. breath cool clean air deep into your lungs.. let your heart beat slow down.. your breathing slow.. wipe the tears away.. you are not fearful.. you are determined..and for this moment.. cancer free..

~ Merriam Webster Dictionary ~ Benign - of a gentle disposition : gracious . 2. a : showing kindness and gentleness b : favorable, wholesome ...

the January girls and their stories..

Both of my lotus blossom daughters were born in January.. one mid month and one towards the end.. so this month is full of celebrations.. week long.. no ... month long birthday celebrations.. for both of them..

They are very different.. and in many ways alike.. they believe in stories ..old ones and new ones..

The first born lotus blossom loves stories about journeys.. how we got here.. memories that we have.. she is the historian of our family.. a role that my mother had in her family.... and my first born has inherited that roll .. she saves photos and letters and cards and memories and hands them out when needed.. after my mother passed she found my baby book.. long ago forgotten in a box of my mother's papers.. rescued it and passed it back to me.. She likes peoples stories and hopefully realizes that she builds her own by protecting and keeping safe memories and history of loved ones.

The baby lotus blossom loves stories as well but uses them to heal hurts and hard times.. gently guiding children to tell their stories in order to help them understand themselves...without fear or pain.  She helps them finish stories.. put together words.. brings together page after page and binds them in a healing book..making memories bearable or at least understandable for others..

I am glad that I have the January girls.. they are pages in my book.. stories themselves..

Happy Birthday to you..

topsy turvey.. the world is tilted..

I am not surprised to hear we have all been living a lie .. and we are not the signs we have thought we were.... Not surprised am I... everything the last few years has been backwards, upside down or sideways.. as far as I am concerned.. Our horoscope signs have changed.. because the world has wobbled.. I am not surprised..

I have felt wobbly for a while.. topsy turvy and upside down.. tilted in a direction ..not knowing the road.. trying to follow the signs.. "what is your sign" has more meaning to me than most.. I look for signs.. I look for them everywhere.. I follow rainbows and birds that sing and fly high.. they are signs to help me heal..

Oddly enough .. my sign did not change.. it became more centered.. funny.. just like me.. I moved from a Virgo/Libra cusp..born at 11:01 pm .. in the very last hour that Virgo could  be.. often not sure of who I was.. my entire life.. and now .. as all around me seem confused because their signs have changed.... mine has become more solid.. ..more centered....more sure..

I am finding myself.. in a topsy...turvy and upside down way... sinking into life and love.. following the signs..looking for rainbows and birds that sing..

Namasteee outta my way .. Im going to throw up..

"Candle light yoga".. three little words.. sound sweet.. easy.. gentle... my thought when I saw the class on the monthly calendar at the gym.. yeah!!....... soft mat.. good music.. candles.. zzzzzzzzzz..

..to celebrate the 6th month anniversary of my surgery.. 6 months today.... my decision was to jump back in.. I have been walking.. I have been hula hooping with the little round glasses on her head WI person.. but not with any consistency.. so to celebrate my 6th month anniversary... I headed to the gym.. 2 miles on the treadmill... DONE and then some relaxing candle light yoga... got my mat.. got my water.. chatted .. chatted.. "no.. I really don't do too much yoga.. had some medical problems.. this year" .. "yeah I have taken a few yoga classes but really just wanted to do something relaxing"  "going to take it slow".. and in walks the instructor.. .. snap.. something is wrong here.. tall.. talllll.. skinny like a whip skinny woman ... no smile..high heel boots which she slipped before she lowered the lights and took her position...  ummmmm

"OK ladies and gentleman...let's get started.."..It only took me 15 minutes into the class to realize that a huge mistake had been made.. where were the candles???  and how come my instructor.. all 6ft 90 lbs of her.. HAD NO BONES... Had no bones you ask..??

..... yes HAD NO BONES!  

I know this to be a fact.. because how could she have possibly put her body in those positions if she had bones???  Twist that.. sink into this.. lower your chin to your chest.. The reason there are no candles is quite frankly to keep us from setting her on fire and walking out of the room..

Where is my gentle Mark?.. my youngest lotus blossom's mentor.. Mark of the soft encouraging voice.. the spiritual up lifting stories.. the soft wonderful smile??   Miss NO BONES has taken every vision of Mark from my head and now I am wondering.. "if I wrap that leg of hers a little more around her neck.. I can cut off her breathing and escape.."

While I was plotting my revenge including a law suit for misleading advertisement... I realized that .. hey.. wait.. I can do that.. so my knee is a little bent.. wait I know that pose.. yes I can do that.. and as I stopped focusing on getting rid of Miss NO BONES.. I realized that my body was stretching.. and I was sweating.. and it felt good..

I lite a candle when I got home.. and between the Jasmine smell and the Bengay rub.. realized it is was a good night..

Namaste ~

Dunkin and Louie...

I really ....really .....want a dog.. I have for a long time and have spent many a day trying to talk my sweet Tim in to getting me one.. once I "adopted" a lost baby Springer Spaniel and allllllmooooosssst had Tim talked into keeping it.. when it dug up all of the plants in our living room and left little paw prints alllll over the walls.. the owners showed up and my sweet Tim handed the dog over immediately.. 

I spend a lot of time at Petco or PetSmart or where ever there is an adoption van.. hugging and snuggling doggies that need a home... and have picture in my phone of a favorite and a picked out name of "garbanzo" if by chance I am ever able to wear Tim out and bring home a family addition..

....until this weekend.. this weekend I got to babysit my oldest lotus blossom's two dachshunds... Dunkin and Louie.. wiggly.. smushy.. chunky... Dunkin and Louie are at my house for the weekend..

Two incredible events have occurred.. my sweet Tim gave in to having dogs in the house over the weekend..and my oldest lotus blossom daughter trusted her two beloved pets to me.. a prim and proper one that acts like his heart is broken if she is even out of the room and is known to refuse to eat and drink while she is gone..  and the other that will chase the light from a flashlight all over a room for hours.. thinking he can catch it and when held is somewhat like a slinky toy..the REAL Toy Story dog.

I have spent the weekend stepping out of the shower to face to two waiting dachshunds.. . tried to eat ice cream in front of two waiting dachshunds.. almost hung myself while trying to walk two wild and crazy dachshunds around the block on two different leashes.. (PS we have 1,200 zillion bushes to investigate on my street) ... coaxed one dachshund to eat and drink while the other tried to lick my face from top to bottom trying to get the food... it is heaven..

Hey.. Dunkin .. Louie.. where is that flashlight??

from one extreme to the other..

Today I said goodbye to my friend Linda.. along with hundreds of others..caregivers.. cancer survivors.. cancer fighters all gathered in the embrace of St. Rose's Catholic Church.. an embrace much like Linda's on Saturday mornings when I would see her.. during a run.. after a walk.. at Starbucks ..warm.. welcoming.. full of spirit and determination.. If you did not have on lime green Team Wish shirt.. you were given a Team Wish bandanna to wear around your neck.. that proudly proclaimed "Walking in Spirit and Hope"..

The priest read a message to us from her husband in which he wrote that he could not understand why she would be taken from us.. so vibrant .. so young.. and that the only thing he could think of was that Linda was tired of waiting for a cure.. and decided to have a "one on one" conversation with God about that.. We all laughed.. it was the only time that I stopped crying.  I have written about finding "normal" and I thought how ironic things in our lives can be as I left the church to go to my 6 month check up with my breast surgeon..

As she asked the questions of "what vitamins are you taking?" .."any pain or trouble with movement.. problems with hardness or scaring?"... I wanted to say .."before I answer those can you tell me...how could this have happened?..  How after years and years of remission can cancer come back and kill you in 5 weeks? How was I so lucky to have made Linda's acquaintance.. and had her hugs and prayers..even for this short time?...will this happen to me??..will I have made an impact on the people in my life.. will they remember me for good or bad?.. do I look as scared as I am??

But my list of questions went away as determined Nedra found "everything perfect".. "this looks great"... "you are doing wonderfully and things are as they should be" results in my exam.. They will see me in 6 more months..

from one extreme to the other.. finding my normal..

I resolve to.....

today is a day to reflect on the previous year and set goals for the next one..or do nothing but watch football.. your choice..

Cancer has a tendency to force you to set goals that normally you would not.. daily.. but for the record I do have some resolutions for 2011..

When it hits 115 degrees I will not park in a McDonald's parking lot and flip a quarter to see if I get "heads" and can justify buying an ice cold diet coke - large!  I have given up diet coke.. I have given up diet coke..

I will not use the excuse of a double mastectomy in order to not have to vacuum the house - after January though.. we have a lot of company till then

I will stop eating sugar - once the Sees candies are gone

I will stop trying to get my son to fix all of our i pods, computers and cameras - he leaves back to DC in 3 days

I will continue to be grateful that my family and friends put up with me day after day and my weird ways

I will not change my weird ways ...

I will face fear and breath deep.. sink into the breath and find courage when everything around me seems to be not what it should be..

I resolve... Happy New Year!