my mother's gifts

if you have read my blog .. you know that my mother passed away this year unexpectedly.. her absence was even more apparent to me on Christmas Eve..

for those that do not know the story.... after many battles a compromise was made between my mother and my sweet Tim on when presents were to be opened..

for my mother... Christmas Eve was magical and that was when presents were shared.. Santa came and really strong egg nog was had.. she used rum and a lot of it in her homemade egg nog.... I guess that is why my siblings and I were all close to our teens when we... one by one....realized that there was not a Santa delivering gifts.. we were not naive.. evidently we were drunk..

Over the years it became tradition in our house that each and every Christmas Eve was reserved to open gifts from my mother.. mailed from Colorado.. wrapped individually .. and shipped in a box.. usually with packaged pop tarts and ding dongs to protect the contents..

no presents came by mail this year.. no funny gifts of Christmas vests or light up Santa hats..and for a minute or two I felt her missing.. felt that she was really gone.. then as I looked around at my children .. all here gathered in my house.. I realized that her gifts were right in front of me..

my children have a number of my mother's gifts inside them.. they are strong, courageous..my mother was a fighter.. a never give up girl from West Virginia.. my children fight to the finish for things they believe in.. passionate about what is right.. and determined to change what is wrong..they laugh at the same things with the same sense of humor.. belly laughs and giggle giggle giggling sometimes takes over and they cannot stop..they love life and each other so much.. 

many of these are my mother's traits.. and she has passed them on for me to open each and every time we are together as a family..... my mother's gifts..

Merry Christmas...

  

what I wanna be when I grow up..

When I grow up I want to be someone that inspires others.. like my friend Linda K..when I was diagnosed with breast cancer a bundle of cards were sent my way.. all encouraging.. all signed with notes and kisses.

When I grow up I want to be someone that sets their mind to something and does it.. who decided years ago after battling breast cancer .. that she would start a team.. of wishful people that all shared the goal of stopping cancer.. T.E.A.M. WISH... and raised a million dollars to fight the fight.. like my friend Linda K..

When I grow up I want to walk 60 miles.. 3 days of 20 miles each..year after year..  I want to stand in the Survivors Circle and hold my hands up to the air in gratitude for the ones that walked with me.. like my friend Linda K...

When I grow up I want to hug everyone I see.. even if it lifts them off the ground .. and lifts their hearts to the moon spiritually.. like my friend Linda K..

When I grow up I want to yell across a room.. and greet someone that I know is struggling with the burden of the fight.. with a huge smile and for one moment the burden is gone....like my friend Linda K

From the TEAM WISH facebook page today ~ Linda Kacmarsky took the hand of an angel today and was guided off to heaven. May she look down from above and see how many lives she has influenced. You are loved and will be missed. May Frank find the support from the people she inspired during this difficult time.

When I grow up.. I want my life to be purposeful .. full of meaning .. I want to walk miles along with those that struggle and those that fight..

When I grow up ..

Things I love about you...

The holidays are a time that everyone reflects on the importance of life.. the importance of family .. and the importance of friends.. how do you share how much you love?  Kisses and hugs.. dinners and laughter.. but day to day.. how do you share how much you love?  Yes of course.. we say it before we hang up.. we say it as we walk out the door.. "love you..luv ya.. heart you.. <3 ..  but do they hear us..do we have their attention..

This has been a difficult year for my family.. a second diagnose of cancer for me.. my mother's death.. friends that are ill again.. fighting cancer that has viciously and aggressively returned.. there has been good news for some.. terrible news for others..

Today my dear son in law could not make it back to California in time to see his father before he passed away.. on the way to the airport he was told that his father had gone.. I fear he will always associate Christmas with this bad news and I pray that his memories of his father are of a wonderful visit they shared earlier this year..

I realized today that in all the turmoil of living day to day.. we forget why we love day to day..we wait until a crisis is upon us.. or people are taken away.. how do I share how much I love?  I came upon an answer tonight in the writings of Allen Jesson.... a perfect gift.. like picture frames of rainbows and hats that show a mothers picture.. a perfect gift ..like friends that whoot and holler you across the finish line.. a perfect gift.. like children who always come home no matter how old .. to a place they feel safe and loved in..a perfect gift.. like a long time friend that you can share the love and joy of grandchildren with..

For your loved one.. starting today.. a journal of daily reasons that you love them... and as soon as I read it.. I thought what a perfect gift..

Each day.. you reflect on the reason you love the person.. what ever little reason .. and write it down..

January 1st.. I love that I will start a new year with my best friend..
January 2nd.. I love that I can lay my head on your shoulder and rest..
January 3rd.. I love that you take care of your family..

on and on.. each day taking time.. sacrificing important precious time.. to write down the love in your heart and then give to them at the end of the year..  They can open it on Christmas morning.. and each day they will read why you love them..

I know that some of you will do this.. that you will take the time to write the words..

I love that about you.

The simple act of living with hope...

The holidays are coming closer.. and the "hustle and bustle" that comes along with it.. it is hard to focus on the true meaning of Christmas.. but I am trying..

this week a few ladies from my running club came for coffee after the Saturday run .. and as they left.. one reached for my favorite necklace.. to read the charms that hang on a silver chain.. 'trust" and "believe" they say.. a reminder to me that everyday I must put my trust in a higher power and that I must also believe that my life has a destiny.  One of the charms was given to me by a daughter..the other I purchased at a cancer fund raising event... little did I know that they would lead me daily.

A number of my friends are stricken with cancer again and the struggle goes on in the midst of shopping and holiday trees.. I remember having treatment during the holidays after my first diagnose.. my Christmas gift was that I truly realized how much I loved my family and how much they loved me.. a gift I remind myself of every day ..it goes along with my determination to "trust" and "believe".  I thank God for his gifts.. no matter how difficult they may be to understand.

Today I heard that Elizabeth Edwards will not longer take treatments for her breast cancer.. and I was struck by the sadness I felt in hearing this.. my heart is broken for her and her family.  My son gave me her book about her breast cancer journey after my first diagnosis with cancer and I feel connected to her through written words. I did not know at that time.. I would  be living her journey one day. .I think the posting on her facebook page says it all..

"I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful." ~ Elizabeth Edwards


Let's not forget the meaning of this holiday.. it is all about hope is it not? .. positive words full of love.. light and courage.. The simple act of living with hope.. 

God Bless you Elizabeth..