the candle

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I should think what it means to hold this fragile light

Should I walk a lap or maybe two and memorize the names

Of all the loved ones whose lives won’t ever be the same

Before I light this candle and protect it from the wind

Should I read the stories of what was and what has been

Before I light this candle and read the sad goodbyes

Should I promise that I will always cry

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I have to promise you that I will always fight

Relay 2012

it is time.. the journey to normal

it is time.. time to recognize what the new normal has become..my entire year has been finding my normal.. and realizing suddenly recently.. that seeking.. learning.. growing every moment has become my normal now..it is just like trying new recipes.. some work.. some don't .. the favorites you tuck away to bring out again when you need them..

it is time..time to realize that I find normal every day.. with new habits.. learned things.. great friends .. overcoming fear.. I have overcome fear.. it is normal for me to push it down and conquer it..

I am starting to recognize myself again.. me.. only different..I feel stronger.. wiser.. and more unwilling to give up.  I am here for a purpose.. a destiny.. a life.. I am looking in the mirror and it is coming in to focus..

it is time.. time to understand that the journey continues.. it doesn't end.. what is normal today will change tomorrow and it is exciting.. fulfilling and hopeful.. the recipe changes with a new spice here.. and wonderful found flavor there..

it is time.. time to celebrate there is no end to the journey.. and that feels wonderfully normal

the one minute rewards..

we are gearing up.. for 5Ks and longer runs.. my Saturday friends.. the cupcakes.. the runners.  I am more of a walker than a runner.. I always do the 2 miles and often am waiting at the end for the longer runs to finish..

I watch them come up the hill and have learned to recognize their strides.. fast and floating.. one seems to skim over the ground.. another is bouncy and light...so light on her feet that she seems like she is bouncing her way up the hill.. like an adorable Tigger.. but with running shoes..

you learn a lot from a group of women.. especially if they are runners and you share Saturday coffee at Starbucks.... they train each other.. really it is nurturing and not training.. I always try to listen to the messages around me when I am with them..

"you will feel wonderful when you finish the half.. you can do it and you will always remember it"... (dream big and always look for the finish)..

"run and then walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. walk for a minute" ..(take a minute for yourself when things are crazy hectic.. even if just to catch your breath)..

"test the gummie things before a race... they might not agree with you and then it's too late".. (have a plan and be prepared...you might have to throw up!)..

my one minute rewards this year have not come from walking between runs.. but rather runners themselves..making their way across the finish line.. cheering each other on.. sipping coffee and laughing around a table that should only fit 4 but accommodates 10 if need be..

so don't forget .. walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. for one wonderful minute

I'm Julie Andrews...

There is a part in the move "The Sound of Music" were Julie Andrews is singing atop a beautiful mountain...  her arms flung open.... singing about the hills being alive.. she can't help it.. her heart is so full and she feels the beauty of everything around her.... today I am Julie Andrews... but instead of a mountain I am laying back at the end of my checkup.. waiting for my doctor to say those dreaded words I have heard over and over this last 5 years.. "I think we need to biopsy this one little area"....

"Things look great Mary".. the eagle eyed Patricia said.. "REALLY?".. I had to prop myself up on my elbows and look at her... make eye contact.. after all she was the one that found it first.. where it never should have been.. unexpected and almost missed.. except for eagle eyed Patricia.."REALLY??"
"See you in 6 months" she said with a very big smile.. "REALLY??"

I know that I can spin around on this thing.. with my arms flung open.. singing about the feeling of being alive and the beauty of everything around me.. I might look a bit silly but after chemo and radiation and all the things that come with it.. silly isn't bad. 

You can call me "Ms. Andrews"..