I don't think I have ever.. ever...been inactive this long.. 12 days since my surgery and each day it is easier to stay awake longer...the muscle spasms have lessened and the feeling that I have golf balls in my arm pits is quite frankly easier to accept..
....both surgeons visited including my cancer breast surgeon "determined Nedra" who after seeing me reach up and hold my arms up over my head.. grabbed my hands and put her forehead on mine to comment "why are you here.. your fantastic!" ...on to the medical oncologist who will determine what follow up treatment will be needed to make sure that the evilness of cancer does not ease its way back into my body....
...the plastic surgeon visited to set up the schedule to continue "reconstruction" each week by adding a bit more saline to the enlargers under my chest muscle wall to make room for "the new me" implants to be added. Reminded again and again by both that I am still in the oven and not completely baked..
..these comments helped as I have faced the moments alone in the shower where I cannot ignore the parts that are missing and the scars that remain..it is easy to cry in small enclosed places with warm water drowning out your sobs and washing away the pain... I realized that the scars are only on my body..not in my heart or in my mind...my heart and mind hold only gifts of true love and encouragement from friends, family and a soul mate that God has given me to make me a better person...
..so often I think once danger passes people put it out of their minds... so much easier to forget..
it is our mind and bodies instinct to put those things behind us...but for me..I will not forget...my heart breaks for each person each day that must be told that their bodies have betrayed them and this invader threatens their very being in every way
...and I will fight.. I will fight for others.. because my life will not be wasted in self pity and fear... my life will not be wasted in not appreciating every moment good or bad that comes my way... my life will not be wasted..
I will look for the lessons.. I will be ready to fight..
I will defy gravity....
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