choose to live in joy... starting with 6 ccs

My life's journey is full of excitement and fun.... my cousin Kendra had a note on her facebook page that said.. "you cannot rid the world of sorrow.. but you can choose to live in joy"... yes yes yes.. is what I thought to myself when I read that.

I get a bit more energy each day and I am able to work part time from home.. I started walking this week.. only up and down the block twice but easily done.. next week I will add a third time and by mid August I am going to try to meet the cupcakes on Saturday mornings for a mile.. next week I actually go in to the office and life goes on.. living in joy..

..today I had my first weekly "pump up" at Leighton's office....now let me try to explain to you how the excitement of this first "install" was dampened a bit when I saw the needles and cylinders on the table by the patent's chair.. the needle did not look really big but the cylinder it was attached to was the size of my arm... so of course I took the appropriate action and closed my eyes..

...for those of you that love the graphic details... you know who you are.. there is a port under my skin that can be found with a little gray metal device that tells the doctor where to stick the needle.. the first one was quick, easy with very little discomfort.. the second decided to cause a muscle spasm that almost made me wet my pants.. "felt that" the doctor commented.. good.. me too.. eyes remain closed.. eyes remain closed..

wow... there is a difference..not much and once you get past the fact that your chest feels like someone is sitting on it because your muscle wall has been stretched again.... you look and you look again.. and you see........... boobies... little ones to be sure but there is some cleavage.... I choose to live in joy!

these last weeks my joy has been overwhelming.. we did not have to cook one dinner for more than two weeks.. cupcake runner friends and TEAM WISH walkers all showed up at my door each night at 6 pm with full meals, cupcakes, salads, cards and even paper plates.. hugs and hugs and hugs.. cards and flowers and cookies.. and love...and prayers..

I choose to live in joy! I choose to live in joy! and boobies.. little ones.. yeah!

a life not wasted...

I don't think I have ever.. ever...been inactive this long.. 12 days since my surgery and each day it is easier to stay awake longer...the muscle spasms have lessened and the feeling that I have golf balls in my arm pits is quite frankly easier to accept..

....both surgeons visited including my cancer breast surgeon "determined Nedra" who after seeing me reach up and hold my arms up over my head.. grabbed my hands and put her forehead on mine to comment "why are you here.. your fantastic!" ...on to the medical oncologist who will determine what follow up treatment will be needed to make sure that the evilness of cancer does not ease its way back into my body....

...the plastic surgeon visited to set up the schedule to continue "reconstruction" each week by adding a bit more saline to the enlargers under my chest muscle wall to make room for "the new me" implants to be added. Reminded again and again by both that I am still in the oven and not completely baked..

..these comments helped as I have faced the moments alone in the shower where I cannot ignore the parts that are missing and the scars that remain..it is easy to cry in small enclosed places with warm water drowning out your sobs and washing away the pain... I realized that the scars are only on my body..not in my heart or in my mind...my heart and mind hold only gifts of true love and encouragement from friends, family and a soul mate that God has given me to make me a better person...

..so often I think once danger passes people put it out of their minds... so much easier to forget..
it is our mind and bodies instinct to put those things behind us...but for me..I will not forget...my heart breaks for each person each day that must be told that their bodies have betrayed them and this invader threatens their very being in every way

...and I will fight.. I will fight for others.. because my life will not be wasted in self pity and fear... my life will not be wasted in not appreciating every moment good or bad that comes my way... my life will not be wasted..

I will look for the lessons.. I will be ready to fight..

I will defy gravity....

bits and pieces...

it has been almost 5 days since my surgery.. and bits and pieces are coming back to me.. most of the last few days have been hazy,,dazy and dizzy.. but I am remembering bits and pieces.. moments......that all connect ....to each other and to me..

I have come to realize that this blog should be about the reconstruction of Mary ...starting with my first fight against cancer to the moment (and beyond) in my doctor"s office this week as bandages came away .... leaving for all to see the almost finished product of love and courage and knowing if you are lucky.. like me.. if you are blessed...like me.. you have someone to trust with everything in your soul..

checking into Virginia Piper is a process with a lot of people and parts..each person has a specific mission.. all of them done amazingly well..your name is called and you walk to an admitting desk where you complete paperwork.. and the routine of questions begin.. "here is your wrist band.. would you read it to make sure the information is correct".. yes the information is correct..and confirmed over and over again.. each new step ..a new person having a specific mission to accomplish always finished it with .... "and can you tell me your name? and you are here to haaavveee.??? and ok then your are also having..?? ok your birthday is??" over and over

.... they gave me purple socks.. with little bear paws on them.. and a lilac purple gown that tied in the back.. that is.....are you ready??.. hooked up to a vacuum like hose that blew warm air into it while I laid on the bed waiting.. puffed up like a lilac marshmellow... while person after person confirmed over and over that I was sure I knew my name and what my procedure was....

They use purple ink too.. when "never give up " Leighton came in to draw on me the direction the surgeon would take .. they used purple ink.. it should have been a giggle moment.. purple to match.. the Relay for Life survivor color.. matching my bear paw socks....matching my space ship blow up gown... but no giggles were left.. I started to cry..holding my arms up and way..so that the purple ink ran smooth over the offending parts to be removed.. "you are ready for this" Dr. Leighton said calmly and clearly.. "you are ready Mary".. yes.. yes I was ready.. but I could not stop the tears.. when he left .. my "get ready nurse" Diane told me.. "you have a great team.. Dr. Leighton and Dr. Harrison.. they are wonderful and the best.." she then calmly laid down on the bed her parts and pieces for IVs and blood pressure and things that she had in her hands and put her arms around me.. laid my head on her shoulder and told me.. "and you have God.. you have a great team Mary".. yes.. I was ready for this....

...Afterwards... .I remember waking up a bit and seeing my family all having lunch.. checking on me from time to time as I slept.. waking up to comment that I saw two of my #1 daughter Julia's face.. which was a giggle moment for all of us..

waking up a moment to realize my favorite ingredient friend Anita was there holding my hand .. she was telling me that she and her mom had brought me Angels.. I thought "of course you did Anita... seriously.. you would not come with out angels"....only to fall back asleep and realize later that it was in fact a picture of Angels with a poem telling us how they are the guardians of hope.. I hope she realizes that she did bring the real ones..they follow her around..my favorite ingredient friend Anita...

I remember determined Nedra...my breast surgeon telling Tim.. "get your credit card ready.. she is going to want new clothes to show these off when we are done.. "

What I remember the most and what I will hold in my heart forever.. is my sweet Tim.. looking me right in the eye at the doctor's office yesterday as the Dr. took off all of the bandages...as I waited for the first glance....telling "never give up" Leighton... "what a beautiful job you did Dr.. .. you did a beautiful job" Yes.. I have a great team..

"lay your head on my shoulder.. whisper into my ear baby..."

sigh.. all better ..

by accident ...on purpose ..

In less than 48 hours, I will be starting on the easiest part of my journey.. it is the downhill part of the cycle ride, the part where you relax back and stop gripping the handlebars of the bike and let gravity pull you along the stretch of road...after the surgery.. many of you may think that is going to be the hardest part.. I beg to differ..

It took me seconds to make the decision to have a double mastectomy....and I have been sent confirmations that the decision was the right one on a consistent basis.... affirmations if you will.. by accident... on purpose... little messages that have slowly and surely given me the courage to fight the fear.. remember what Yoga Mark said.. no one is fearless.. it is all about the courage.. for me that courage grows and I am amazed that god has given me the signs to tell me that I am going to make it.... that I am in the fight and I will win..

Tina's Treasures is affiliated with Virginia Piper Cancer Center.. it is a little shop brought about by a breast cancer survivor that could not find the items she needed after surgery.. so she made it her mission to make sure no one else felt that helplessness.. The employees in that store are almost all breast cancer survivors.. they know exactly what your insurance must cover according to the Women's Health and Cancer Rights Act of 1998 in order for the transition from surgery to finished product (no matter what you decide that is to be) to be the easiest it can be..

....my appointment was with a specific sales person.... but I ended up with Jodi ...by accident...on purpose.. as we chatted it was revealed that Jodi had been a patient of "never give up" Leighton ... my plastic surgeon...12 years ago... she had chosen a double mastectomy and he had completed the reconstruction.. by accident and on purpose.. she only confirmed my decision was the right one.. she had fitted women..one after another after having a single mastectomy or a lumpectomy.. only to have them come back because it was not enough.. and each time a woman came back...she was sure that her decision had saved her life..

by accident and on purpose.. my hairdresser was finishing up with a woman when I arrived to have my hair cut this weekend..... and while we both were sitting and talking with the gal that cuts my hair.. it was discovered .. by accident ...on purpose.. that she was a breast cancer survivor.. her sister as well.. she had one breast removed only to have to go back 3 years later and do it again.. if she had to do it again.. she would have done both at the same time.. by accident...on purpose..

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!~Dr. Seuss

See you at the bottom of the hill...

"the higher the hair.. the closer to God"

so let's take a moment and review the pre operation instructions that I received and just today read... you may comment "that is ridiculous or that is just absurd" at any part of the review...

no food or drink after midnight.. I can have one sip of water to take my blood pressure medicine in the morning when I get up.. at 4:30 a.m to get to the hospital by 5:30 a.m to wait until 7:30 a.m. for surgery.. ok...ok.. know that..

either the night before or the morning of ....must shower with an anti bacterial soap... umm.. this is new.. although I make ever effort to take a shower and shave my legs prior to any doctor's visit, surgery or weekend away with the hubby.. I have never been instructed to take a shower prior to surgery.. ok.. ok.. makes sense..

remove all jewelry.. of course ..yes will do that..

oh.. ok.. ah.. what.. WHAT?? no lotion, mascara, eyeliner, hair products, HAIR SPRAY to be used prior to surgery.. huh..? what.?. wait a minute there .. I ALWAYS WEAR MASCARA and just a little bit of blush before I HAVE SURGERY!! You never know..who is going to be looking at you.. and they would say.. "great lashes!".. so I am just saying..

and no HAIRSPRAY OR HAIR PRODUCTS?? I AM ITALIAN.. WE ALWAYS USE HAIR SPRAY... THE HIGHER THE HAIR THE CLOSER TO GOD! This saying is actually on a Christmas ornament that I got this year.. so you know it is true.. Christmas ornaments do not lie..

sigh.. ok well.. my only choice is to wear my really good panties.. You never know.. who is going to be looking at you..

pull in the light....push out the darkness..

today was my pre-op visit to my "never give up" Leighton's office...to discuss my "reconstruction".. I came prepared with my list.. and when he asked if I had any questions.. I gave a blow by blow description of exactly what I expect to happen from entry to Virginia Piper next Tuesday to 6 months from then... when I am all done..

He looked a bit stunned and my Tim (who refuses to let me go alone to any appointment) looked like he was going to burst out laughing.. Leighton said that I understood the procedures better than his nurse Mary Ann... a comment Mary Ann ignored because she knows everything and she is the one that told me all that stuff.... my only question was .. "am I going to be able to run the Susan G Komen 5 K in October?".. "Probably and you won't even need to wear a bra.." Leighton replied.. Note to self.. so.. pre-op done.. I am ready..

I am ready.. I am prepared.. I tell myself... I am prepared and I have turned it over..honestly I have.. but once in a while.. ...I just have to say that I hate cancer..

I hate that it makes me cry because again they are going to cut pieces of my body away to save my life..

I hate that it makes me tired and frustrates me because I do not understand why it is here again....

I hate that sometimes it takes all of my focus so I do not have the patience that I should have with people I care about and work with...

I hate that my family thinks of a time that I may not be with them because of this evil evil thing inside of me.. even though death is normal and natural.. this is not..

I hate cancer and hate is not good.. so I am prepared.. to pull in the white light.. swoosh it through and push out the darkness.. push out the hate.. push out the darkness.. PULL IN THE LIGHT!

"come out angels..come out ghosts..come out darkness..bring everyone you know
I'm not running..I'm not scared..I am waiting and well prepared"

when the banana bread sticks..

Tomorrow I visit my surgeon for the pre-op visit.. my list of serious questions at hand.. but not today... not yet....

........today was a day for fun....my granddaughter was being dropped off and we would bake and cook and then head over to the pool.. my youngest wise cracking, banana bread baking, beautiful granddaughter Talia..

My plan was that before the day was done.. ..Red Pepper Hummus - Orzo with cranberries and pine nuts - lasagna.. would be made.. all for a friend at work that will be going through radiation this week.. food .. to make her feel better.. to make things easier for this week...and of course we had to make banana bread..Talia's favorite....which we would have for ourselves.... little did I know the lesson I would learn..

We had some unusual challenges with the banana bread.. we mixed, sifted, buttered and floured pans only to have the banana bread stick to the pan..so we dug the bottom out..put it back together and sweeeeezed it so it looked pretty darn good.... perfection...according to Talia.... "Marcea (the oldest granddaughter) loves that crusty part grandma" she said looking quite pleased with herself.. easily pleased by pleasing someone else..it could not be more perfect she thought..

lesson learned.. the crusty parts, the parts that you may think are ruined and unsightly.. sometimes have to be dug out of the pan.. but with a little effort you can smush and squeeze and put things together into something that looks pretty darn good.... so says my banana baking beautiful Talia..

cupcake days and normal things...

I have become accustom in the last few weeks as I am going through the routine of daily things..the challenges ahead stay in the back of my mind ....floating to and from my focus.. the challenges ahead...

but not today.. not today..

today was a day of cupcakes and normal things...

up this morning early and without even realizing it at first, I found myself pulling out bowls and mixers.. softening butter,, room temperature eggs.. shifting ingredients.. I had some extra time.. no list checking this morning.. marking one more thing off... time for cupcakes and normal things..

I had forgotten how comforting and soothing the shifting of flour and sugar and whisking of eggs and buttermilk can be.. I found myself falling into the routine of placing bowls in a certain familiar order on the counter.. measuring and adding ingredients.. slowly fold and mix.. slowly fold and mix.. Ruby Red Velvet cupcakes with raspberry fillings..

Scoop and fill.. scoop and fill.. hiding spoonfuls of filling that will be the surprise when those Ruby Reds are bitten into.. I love the look on people's faces when they have that first bite...

Into the oven, don't watch .. don't hurry.. they know what to do.. frost and decorate...pack to take to work ..

how I love cupcake days and normal things....