it has been almost a week to the day of my second surgery.. the one where they replace the enlargers with implants and you are supposed to feel... when you wake up like you have real breasts again..
it was a close call.. Monday morning they checked my temperature again and again .. checked my lungs time after time.. before they finally said.. OK we are going to go.. Although I had walked a 5K the day before, I still felt pretty awful and felt such a sense of relief.. they were going to go ahead and do the surgery.. still on schedule... going as planned... continuing my way back to normal...
I woke up sore, really really sore.. but excited that part of the journey back to normal was finished..even though I was sore.. the intense pain in my shoulders and back were gone..I really slept.. for the first time in days.. deep heavy sleep.....but I kept waking up thinking things were missing... how can you get back to normal..when nothing is normal any more and you realize ...never...ever will be again...
I have slept a lot this week... and have cried a lot as well... I cannot seem to get over the fact that I am missing parts.. .. I know that I have new ones.. smaller to be sure (as requested) perky, round, bruised and new....I also have scars... long very visible scars....how can you get back to normal... when you don't know any longer what normal is....
no cancer.. no chemo.. no radiation.. I walked along with women and men this last weekend... that have it far worse then me.. I don't have breasts... but I also have no chemo and radiation and lost hair.. I will have check ups... I will have scary moments... it will be part of my journey to normal..
but I cannot stop crying.. I am grateful and I feel guilty for mourning a part or parts of me that I really did not like.. but they were me.. like my fingers and toes.. my heart feels broken and I cannot stop crying because my normal is gone.. I have to find the new normal and I realize that is in experiences not denial that the journey begins...
I have to embrace the new me.. and stop pretending I am the same.. I am not.. I am missing parts and my heart is broken..and for this week... I cannot stop crying.. but one part of me will not change... normal for me is not giving up..the journey continues... along a different path not as known as the one before..
breathe in the good.. the white light and push out the darkness.. say goodbye to normal and embrace the new.. there are 3 Marys.. the old, the one now and the one to be... I will find normal when all three become one.. and missing parts and broken hearts are healed...pull from my courage ..sink into the breath... the journey back to normal has started..
I love the old Mary, the new Mary, and I am certain the one to come as well. Hang in there, you know you are on the right path as difficult as it may be. You are such an inspiration, please know that.:-)
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