endings and beginnings..

it makes sense to me on the last day of the year that I would write my last note on Radiated Cupcakes.. it is time for a change.. and for me to go in a different direction.. I am at the fork in the road..looking to see which path I need to take.. all I know.. all I feel ..is that it is a different path from the one I have been on.  I am stronger than ever.. more determined than before to make a difference each and every day..

this year has been full of ups and downs.. favorite things and disappointments.. in looking back over the year.. my friends and family seem to have taken the spotlight.. pushing away from my mind the constant worry of cancer and stomping down the fear of it returning...there are things that stand out in my mind as I reminisce over this last year..

my friend Anita... one of the best ingredients in my recipe of life ..is moving on to different things due to downsizing at my work and even though I know this is an open door for her to be in a place that acknowledges her for who she is.. I do not know how I will manage without her by my side .. day in and day out.. her gift to me was that I learned to accept who I was.. she helped me understand that trying to do better and change for the better is not being defeated or giving up.. it is actually winning....

my wonderful cousin by marriage GianFranco.. who was "strong like Popeye"  even though he lost his short battle against cancer this year..I think every day of the gift of meeting him this year in Italy.. spending time with his family and learning a bit more about the story of the two brothers.. one that stayed in Italy and one that risked everything by coming to America..I come from a long line of risk takers.. strong stock..

my cupcake runner friends that encourage me to run....or walk ..or just come have coffee.. I realize that I really want to fly like the wind.. even if that is just under a 16  min mile.. and be cheered over a finish line..they have made me believe that all things can be done.. all you need are colorful socks, a St. Anthony medal and maybe a tutu...

I spent this year watching my two lotus blossom daughters come together and walk 60 miles to fight cancer with their brother being the fundraising CEO to help them hit their targets.. they all have their own journeys but share with me a passion to be something more..

and Sweet Tim who is always by my side.. letting me know we can get through anything together and that we will have years more to share. 

as this year comes to an end .. so does this blog... I wish for you a new beginning.. each and every day we get a chance to start over.. do something new.. take your chance.. take a risk..

I Wish You... by Anonymous

I wish you bright mornings and warm, sunny days,
Soft shade to cool you from sweltering rays,
Raindrops, a few, from some cloud floating by,
Rainbows thereafter to color your sky.

M

my mother's gifts...

this will be the second Christmas that my mother celebrates in Heaven.. I am sure by now she is running the place.. making crosses with the Palm Sunday Palms that everyone has displayed on their cloud appropriately.. she probably has hostess cupcakes hidden every where and surely is eating sour cream on everything she can..

my beautiful dark haired West Virgina girl has been sending me hints this week that she plans on celebrating with us this year..and has starting sending gifts for me to open..

the first gift ... the #1 child born .. better know by my mother as "sweet pea"...has decided to carry on the tradition of gag gifts opened on Christmas Eve.. you have to live through the hilarity of opening a box with blow up clown feet, Holiday vests and crazy tshirts to appreciate this Christmas Eve ritual.. names were drawn this week.. and we all have a gift to purchase..

after years of my mother sending fake letters from the Pope, Santa, The Mafia and I think one year... Neil Diamond... to get my husband to open presents on Christmas Eve.. we settled into ripping open mailed boxes that were packed with Pop Tarts and Ding Dong Cakes that cushioned the precious cargo.. my children grew to love this and that memory of her will be with us forever because of this new but same tradition.

the second gift.. at an ornament exchange this week, I met a woman that loved Christmas trees.. she had tons.. in every room.. and collected ornaments.. just like my mother.. we chatted about how there is always room for one more shiny ball.. or feathered plume .. nestled deep in green branches.. my mother loved those kinds of trees... I will have to go out now and find one more ornament..to tuck away for her in the branches of our tree..

the third gift.. movies are being shown that she loved.. at the gym I noticed that instead of disturbing news or sports or stocks on a television a few pieces of equipment down.. a movie.. "Christmas in Connecticut" .. one of my mother's favorites.. it took me a bit by surprise..no one watches movies at the gym.. but I found myself peering down the way.. a few pieces of equipment down the row.. and watched.. and lived for a moment... times with my mother when she would stop everything and talk me into watching one of "those movies"... even though I complained at the time.. I love those movies now..

there are a few days left.. Christmas will be here soon.. celebrated with my mother's gifts...

Merry Christmas Mom..

believe..

everyone has their journey.. it is often easy to lose ourselves in our own efforts to find our way and to not pay attention to others as they wander to their destination.. hopefully we will realize a blessing when someone waves for our attention because they need a bit of help.. it is so much easier to climb a path with someone.. giving a hand up.. or a firm push..  and accepting one in the rough spots... when you are done you turn around and wave.. and start off in a new direction...because you are ready ...you believe in what is ahead..

a blessing came my way recently in the form of a family friend.. a young man that we watched grow from child to young adult.. after many years of different paths.. he has been embraced back to us.. he was a ball player in his youth.. good at every sport.. in my minds eye I always see him in the front yard of his house.. tossing a football or baseball to someone..

I learned a lot about the goodness of people from his parents ...his grandmother taught me that to really read your fortune with cards.. you had "to have a shot first".. I learned to stuff artichokes, make sauce.. hold hands around a temporary table in the basement laden down with tons of food.. my youngest lotus blossom carries his mother's middle name as her own and they made my path easier and fun....

the ball player learned a lot of things from his parents and grandparents as well.. to respect and love them.. to care for them as they grew older.. to do the right thing.. he was blessed that his father had clarity enough before he passed to look him in the eye and tell him what a good son he was....  he cares for his mother in the same loving way.. he knows that her time is short and she misses her one true love .. she is ready.. she believes..

he called recently.. to reach out...for a hand up.. going through a rough spot realizing his mother is coming to the end of her journey.. so  I shared a story of my first born's beginning day at school.. she was full of excitement.. and did not hesitate to get out of the car.. we had helped her prepare for this day.. we told her to trust in her journey.. do not fear the unknown... wonderful things were in front of her.. and she believed..

when she got out of the car.. she walked away.. no tears.. no hesitation.. she knew that this was the start of something great.. at the last minute.. she turned.. smiled and waved.. then she was gone.. I felt such relief..and even though her brother and I were sobbing as we left for home... for that moment I knew that I had done the right thing.. that she was prepared.. that there were going to be rough times.. and wonderful times.. but most of all that I had seen her turn around and wave...she believed...

the beginning of life and the end of life are often the same.. if we have done our job.. no hesitation.. no fear.. they believe in what is ahead... and if we believe as well.. we see them turn and wave goodbye..