count down

2 more days till my meeting with the surgeon... I am nervous.. it is easy to jot down notes and go through the day.. busy with work, family graduations and visitors from out of state and not think about anything past the moment...

Tomorrow I need to weigh choices... make decisions..and say them out loud..
Tomorrow I sit and write my medical history down and go over my diagnosis..
Tomorrow I start paying attention to the research information I was given about this cancer...
Tomorrow my husband and I will start pulling together in mind and spirt to fight together..

I pray I will have many tomorrows..

Finished batches

This week has been full of finishes and new starts.... batches done, decorated, wrapped .. ready to go.. I mean my granddaughter and my niece.. both are moving through their lives and growing up.

Watching promotions to 8 grade (granddaughter) and graduating from high school and then heading off to college (niece) I realized that is all an experiment....a great experiment...

Parents start with a cookbook full of recipes from all kinds of people on how to raise a child.... then we start putting in things.. taking out things... until... we realize... the oven timer has gone off.. the batch is done..

Hopefully we have added all the right things.. taken out all the bad things.... to give them the best start ... we hope they do not take too many things out of the recipe we used but are proud that they start trusting their instincts.. grow up and move on .. to write recipes of their own.

"the only real stumbling block is the fear of failure. In cooking you have to have a "what the hell" attitude" ~ Julia Child

Congratulations Marcea and Nicole..

ingredients that cannot be substituted...

Every one of us has started a recipe only to discover we are missing an ingredient.... we often in a fit of desperation substitute vanilla coffee mate for milk.. (I'm not telling whose cupcakes.. but they were GREAT!) and one in a while.. we try other substitutions that end up turning the batter green (Stevia sweetner)... and not in a good way..

Ingredients are like that.. some work so wonderfully together.. even if by accident.. others ruin the batter and we do not try them more than once..

The same things can be said for people in our lives...some make us more delicious and smoother (my wonderful Tim), some wake us up and others mellow out all the flavors and bring balance to who we are..

This last type of ingredient is my friend Anita.. this morning we learned that she has been in a terrible accident yesterday.. tire blow out, truck rolled over.. if Anita had not been sleeping with her head cradled near her husband.. she likely would have been killed.. she survived.. beat up.. grateful.. surrounded now by a ring of love helping her heal..

It made me think of the ingredients that make up the recipe that is me... what would I be like if my Anita ingredient had not been a part of this recipe.. I know I could not be me without her.. a part of myself would not be...

I am amazed that we are sent reminders that help us stop pitying ourselves for the messes we are in.. and bring in one more ingredient.. realization.. that we all have a destiny and a part in each others lives.. undeniable I would not be me without my parts... the ingredients that make me.. .. and my recipe changes as new ingredients are added.. never stopping.. always becoming more me..

the Yoga that wasn't

tonight was my first yoga class.. there is a gal up here in Anthem that teaches yoga part time.. Monday nights at 6 PM..

Now Yoga is very good for you (as my lotus blossom younger daughter will tell you!) .. it can help you cope with stress, meditate yourself to more awareness, and help heal you from the inside out.. so.. it is yoga for me.. except.. no one showed up.. really.. no one.. not even the instructor..

wrong place...nooooooo.. the guys working out to the bump bump bump music in one of the rooms told me.. "Yeah they have yoga next door... no one ever shows up til right at 6 or even after.." ok.. so I wait.. 5 mins.. flexing my toes.. getting ready... 10 mins.. closing my eyes and looking for the white light.. 12 minutes.. start giggling hoping no one is watching me stretch and look for the white light while I am setting in my car.. 15 minutes.. really start hooting when I realize that I am also trying to listen to talk radio about the oil spill and how no one is doing anything. .. Democrat or Republican... 20 minutes.. really start laughing, started car and went through McDonalds on the way home for an ice cream cone.. feel GREAT..

Wow.. yoga works.

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
of someone else's game"

"Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!"

"It's time to try
defying gravity
I think I'll try
defying gravity
and you can't pull me down!"

The kitchen staff..

Most big kitchens have people that work together as a team.. they work in assembly line fashion .. handling every crazy moment.. working like crazy through the rush.. my team is assembling and I am interviewing as I go....

Today my Julia and I attended the Scottsdale Heathcare Mother Daughter Tea.... because of my previous cancer treatment.. I still get emails from this facility every month.. they are a full service cancer center.. a wellness center.. a cocoon to go to when things hurt inside your heart and you need to feel better.. you are part of the family no matter how long you have been a survivor because the fight never stops.. and they need all the warriors they can get..

I know my friend Mike would take exception to my describing this as a fight.. he wants me to describe it in a more positive healing way.. the word fight to him is negative.. but I am a Colorado girl.. and I feel like fighting.. My youngest daughter Michelle posted lines from a John Mayer song on my facebook page .. and every time I read it I feel strong.. "I'm not running, I'm not scared... I am waiting.. and I'm prepare.."

The speaker at today's event.. is my surgeon.. I will not meet her officially until the first week of June.. She is my age.. has a sense of humor and gave us 7 important ingredients in our fight against cancer.... I was happy to be able to "interview" her for my team in a relaxed setting without me sitting on an exam table.. probably sobbing.. I am crying over everything..

I might add the room was packed..full of survivors.. note to all.. even if you are in treatment.. you are still a survivor... not all daughters had their moms and not all the moms had their daughters.. which made my daughter being there with me all the better.. she is part of my team..

"I'm not running, I'm not scared.. I am waiting .. and I'm prepared"

pages of the cook book have started to arrive..

with any recipe.. there are steps and processes and procedures.. . mix dry ingredients first.. shift .. add wet ingredients next.. stir for 3 minutes.. steps.... I can almost forget that I have cancer. ... almost.. but then the next step always arrives.. reminding me .. encouraging me to own this challenge and go step by step..



First step.. symptoms.. Second step.. call Doctor.. Third step mammogram.. Fourth step biopsy... Fifth step.. throw up... on and on .. it is actually comforting to me that there are steps.. and processes and plans to be made.. it makes me feel like I have some control over my body.. that is out of control growing cancer without my permission..



So I open my mail and hold my breath.. paperwork.. the next step.. detailed detailed detailed questions and a welcome letter on pink paper....really PINK paper..pink for breast cancer.. my new color.. everything pink.... pink.. the color of cotton candy and a favorite old shirt.. pink..

I look good in pink.. I think.. ok.. next step..

"just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" not

Here is really good news for a baker.. I cannot have any sugar.. none.. no sugar.. nada.. if I had any estrogen (keeps Italian women from growing mustaches) hormones left in my body.. I might consider this good news.. a way to force me to lose weight.. but not today.. the minute I read it I had to eat 2 oatmeal raisin cookies left over from a weekend picnic..

I am pretty good about not eating a lot of sugar but this really hit me and not is a good way.. I MAKE CUPCAKES FOR GODS SAKE....am I slowly killing my love ones, friends and neighbors by offering them sweet nummy little cakes?? Do I put a note on my Bella Cakes label that states clearly.. this may be dangerous to your heath..

I was told today that sugar in your body can cause cancer cells to grow.. let me explain it as it was explained to me... using the process of making wine.. wine doesn't become wine without sugar.. it causes the grape to ferment .. turning grape to wine..

Evidently.. I am a winery and not making a vintage this year.. .. :P

lessons learned

Although I am a cook that uses a pinch of this and a pinch of that in cooking.. I discovered early in my baking career that exact measurements are needed, some things can not be substituted and that you have to have patience.. a number of times my cupcakes have ended up "volcano" like because I just could not wait to open the oven door and test the tops for firmness with the tip of my index finger only to watch them sink into oblivion.. Be patient no matter how much you want to open the oven door.. be patient.. I have learned this valuable lesson through experience..

I am going to try to use these learned restraints in my fight against cancer. For those of you that know me.. you know that is against my nature... It is hard for me to have patience ..


I hate waiting for the visit to the surgeon...it feels like I am wasting time.. and I cannot waste precious time .. so I end up reading and researching and checking on what ingredients I can use to make this cancer go away.... it is a different cancer.. and it has different strengths and vulnerabilities.. there are so many suggestions..from so many people.. check the Internet, don't get on the Internet, use this.. take that.. try what???

I have learned this week that you should eat blueberries every day.. that white tea is the best for you .. to take aloe (from the plant) with you to radiation, that when you go to Sprouts for vitamins and tell them you are looking for things that stop, fight, eradicate, deny and blow up breast cancer... you end up with great friends....even ones that tell you.. "my sister tried this.. but she died anyway"..

But this is the most important thing that I have learned this week...I have learned that if you get up to run early in the morning.. the air smells sweet and when your favorite song comes up on your ipod from Wicked.. you can hold your arms out while you are running, turn your face up to the sun and you feel like you are floating..

lessons learned..

Have a cupcake kind of day!

The beginning.. finding the receipe

"Breast cancer Mary.. it's breast cancer.."

"excuse me.. I ..umn. I am not sure I understood you.."

"we just got the pathology report and it is positive"

I am reviewing in my head the conversation that took place when my Doctor called me while I was driving home to tell me that the biopsy I had had 72 hours earlier confirmed what the radiologist and nurses had suggested.. breast cancer..

"OK.... what do I do now?" For a brief moment my mind told me she was going to say "pray".. but instead she responded.. "stop all of your hormones.. it is hormone driven and we are going to refer you to a surgeon.. it is early early stages.." "if you are going to get breast cancer.. this is the best one you can get!"

Really? The Best?

I have heard that before.. this is my second "batch" of cancer that my body has made.. the first 3 years ago was discovered by a wonderful gynecologist who commented.. "this doesn't look right" during an exam and discovered I had a cancer similar to cervical..but not on my cervix.. it was in the wall near where it was supposed to be.. hiding from pap smears but not an eagle eyed woman named Patrica..

That made sense to me.. why would it be where it is supposed to be.. because leading up to that year.. I noticed that nothing on my body was were it is supposed to be.. from boobies to tummies to chins... "we are going to refer you to a surgeon" who then after telling my husband after my surgery.. "no cancer.. no cancer..I do this for a living..hahhaaha.. everything looks great" had to eat his words and tell me that the biopsy had come back positive.. He ate those words by telling me.. "if you are going to have cancer.. this is the best"

Really? The Best?

So here I go again.. trying to find the right recipe like I do for my cupcakes.. what things to add to make them taste good, moist, raise up nicely rounded..

I bake cupcakes.. I love them and I love making recipes to make them taste wonderful. . Mango coconut, chocolate with nutella centers, wonderful fluffy marshmallow frostings with strawberry and raspberry favors...melt in your mouth cupcakes..

Lots of ingrediants are being offered up.... these will be discussed at length..

"Have a cupcake kinda day"