The words came tumbling out...

I had told my dear friend Michael that I had seen a brilliant blue in my minds eye while he stood at the top of my head during my Reiki experience... Michael commented that is the color of the third chakra.. my throat..my voice.. my words.. the brilliant blue so strong.. this color is still etched in the back of my mind and I can close my eyes and see it.. clearly.. Michael told me he thinks that my angels guide my voice and that my voice is strong.

I was speaking of this to another friend today.. a friend that I have shared growing into myself pains.. that helped me find myself when I was younger.. a friend with whom my path moved away for a bit during my life only to discover that our paths have again come together to fit nicely side by side.. together in the same garden.. full of children grown, grandchildren promises and a lot of lessons learned..

.....sometimes the words wake me up at night.. straining to be heard.. and painful to hold back... I must make sure that everyone understands the preciousness of being alive and enjoying every moment.. even when sad.. even when frightening... not being fearless but having courage to stay the path.. no matter what it may be.... courage comes easier each day..

We must see the gifts we have each day.. the people that come to us to heal and help and make us laugh and to help us see.. they are coming in to my life fast and furious .. women that have had the same plastic surgeon.. the same cancer.. made the same decisions.. I find myself in the same room with them.. not by accident I am sure..

This week is a week of checking off lists.. getting things together.. calming my loved ones and sinking into the breath when I find my heart starting to race.. my heart starting to palpitate .. turn this over.. my important ingredient friend Anita told me at the beginning.. turn this over..turn this over..

blue.. royal.. deep blue.. so rich and thick it seems like I can dip my finger in to it like paint.. and the words came tumbling out..

" Gather your army "..

Reiki - a method of spiritual healing.. promotes healing through life force energy.. I believe in life force energy.. it is what gives us the extra we need to survive in crisis.. to lift cars and move mountains.. and today my dear friend Michael invited me to participate in a Reiki session..
accepted....

I discovered a number of things... I CAN push the things I want to leave my body through and down and out of my body into the earth..and I CAN fill myself up with white brilliant light that starts at my head and whooooosesss through my body..lightness in my mind.. healing my spirit.

slow breathing... pushing the bad stuff out ..

deep breathing .. bringing the good stuff in..

I felt the distinct presence of my grandmother.. my protector all my life.. I remember from my childhood laying my head in her lap while she rubbed my back.. all the time continuing to talk .. safe.. protected..

Michael told me that I am surrounded by Angels and people that have gone on.. they form an army of protection.. they will make sure with God's help that the people I need will be brought into my life.. when I need them they will be there for me.. my circle of protection..

close my eyes.. breathe in good.. breathe out bad...
...........sink into the breath............ gather my army.......... ready to fight.

"Rest your head on my shoulder"

Today was a shoulder day..

You know ... people have hump day..... TGIF days..

Well today was my official shoulder day.... I rested on a few today.. the great thing about my shoulder day is that is seems to come with hugs....

... one from my boss Deb, who let me lay my head on her shoulder for a big hug..replying calmly while I sobbed 'everything seems out of control today"..it's not Mary.. it's not".. and I always believe her..

.... one included a bag with "mu mu' dresses that button up the front to wear while I recover.. heal... cry and get stronger (I LOVE THEM and plan on wearing them drinking a tropical drink this weekend) from one of "my girls" (wonderful ladies that are part of my team).

.....one was accompanied by a bath bomb shaped like a cupcake (yeah) from Angie..who carried it on a plane to keep it safe while coming back from vacation

...one jumped out at me from a funny wacky card that my dear friends "the Mikes" constantly send me to make me laugh and wonder about their sanity..

.... one from my sweet Tim who with one look at my face as I walked in the door said "come sit by me and let me hug you" and pulled my head to his shoulder while we sat for a few quiet minutes taking about my day..

"put your head on my shoulder.. whisper into my ear .. baby"

sigh.. all better

time to get real..

dates are set.. July 13th.. lists are made.. one - two nights in the hospital then home .. items marked off..

Large shirts that button up the front.. because I won't be able to put my hands over my head.. check..

Foam wedge to lay on in bed so I am able to sleep somewhat upright.. check..

Tylenal.. Tylenal.. Tylenal.. check

little step stool to get up into the car and the bed.. check..

Bras.. Bras that I can wear during reconstruction.. they have to be ordered.. it is hard to find a 38 A cup.. they don't exists.. order on line.. check..

Try to explain to husband why you do not want to just wear one and not worry about the empty cups.. check and check again..

pillow to cry hard into.. check..

"we're going to fix that"..

My plastic surgeon's name is William Leighton.. both he and his nurse (scheduler) came into the room wearing t-shirts, hiking shoes and pants.. they had been to the "camp" he said.. and came directly back to the office.. to see me..

Now...Dr. Leighton has retired once... got very bored.. and then came back to work. He works predominately on burn victims.. putting their lives back together .. .with pieces and parts..

He has worked on Jason Schechterle.. the police officer that was trapped in his burning patrol car when it was struck from behind.. and exploded.. and he works on kids..mostly kids.. he "fixes them"..

They had been to Camp Courage in Flagstaff that morning.. and they were still in "camping gear".. Dr. Leighton donates his time to "fix" kids that have been burned beyond what we think is repairable.. His nurse told me they do the other stuff to pay the bills.. but they are here for the kids.. he showed us picture after picture of children he had "fixed". . it made my cancer seem like nothing and again reminded me of the goodness of my life.

Both of them were funny and worked together like a comedy team.. they had worked together before his retirement and they were a team again.. old friends.. both committed to a causes and for the moment... to me..

Another discussion of procedures..photos of me.. up close and personal.. (during which he asked totally dazed sweet Tim..."want copies"...and handed him C cup size ball of silicone implant to play with). I was examined and poked and prodded...

"a bit droopy.." Dr. Leighton stated.. "we're going to fix that"

ok.... I am in love with my plastic surgeon... yeah.. just add him to the list of my loves.. Yoga Matt.. shiny Carol.. determined Neidra... and now never give up Leighton..

amazing how our lists of angels on earth grow and grow when we start paying attention to others instead of our selves.. those "fixers" who walk among us.. who realize that there are always someone that needs "fixed" and they are willing to do that because that is who they are.. authentic to themselves.. with tenacity and courage as Yoga Matt says..

lesson learned = look outside yourself .. there are heroes and angels around us.. making life good.. who have no doubts that "we're going to fix that"

"To B or not To B (cup)

Tomorrow is my visit to the plastic surgeon... my first visit ever (in real life lol).. now that the decision has been made.. lists to make.. ingredients for a successful recipe to put together.. what ones will make this work easily or easier.. or just plan work..

.......quite honestly ..something fun.. yes fun... the next decision is what goes where.. and what size.. needless to say Tim is excited about this part of the decision.. new breasts.. what 56 year old would not love that! A somewhat radical way to get them I admit.. not my first choice... yes I know...but I am really working on finding the silver lining in everything..

"To B or not To B.. or maybe a C"

"an excellant choice"

You know how when you go to a restaurant....

...and you are considering and considering what entree you will order.. hummm.. think ..think.. so many choices.. and you finally decide.. your waiter who has calmly waited as you reviewed all parts of each choice.. firmly states ...."an excellent choice!"

This is exactly what my Dr. Harrison stated when I told her I agreed to a double mastectomy.. there I wrote it down.. it is real.. and now to be planned. The second thing she stated after we talked and talked about my choice.. was "let me write that on your chest... oh for Pete's sake.. I mean your CHART!".. ok.. I am in love with my doctor.. I was a hold out.. but not now.. I am adding her to my yoga Mark and her shiny sister the office manager Carol....

I have made the choice.. due to my history and the fact that this cancer may be lurking.. hiding behind and below and within my other breast.. to remove the fear and reduce the chance it has from ruling my life. It really wasn't a difficult decision.. emotional now that it is actually made.. and my first born smartest in the world child helped me realize why..

You see God holds me close to him.. and has guided people to me in my life for the very reason that I will need them now.. Julia and I were talking about how amazing and fortunate I am really.. and how wondrous god is.

This last year old friends have returned from long absences, I have been surrounded by new friends with compassionate hearts that value others .. sincerely.. involved with the running club, picked up and hugged by the leaders of Team Wish (my daughter's Susan G Komen 3 day walk team) who yelled out in Starbucks.. 'WE ARE WALKING FOR YOU MARY!" and prayed for every moment of every day.. a circle of love as my friend Anita would say..

who could have a better life.. not me...."let me write that on my chest :) "

MRI or Like Superman Flying

MRI day... today I had my bilateral MRI.. to check for unwelcome cells lurking.. barely visible or invisible..and I almost got "bumped"... you know "bumped" like from your airplane seat because they have over booked.. but I stood my ground (no compensation) and waited an extra 2 hours in the waiting room to make sure I got this over TODAY..

In my mind.. it was scheduled for TODAY..and I wasn't budging.. so we waited.. and waited... and finally they came for me... only to prove to me again.. that medicine and the act of medicine is basically barbaric and still so medieval..

the contraptions that they strap, hoist and tie you in.. are ridiculous.. the table I climbed up on for the MRI was similar to the "car lift" type apparatus that they put me in for my biopsy...

when the doctor performing the biopsy came up to the edge of the table I was so high in the air.. I could only see her head from the eyes up.. for a moment it felt like I wasn't really 4 feet in the air.. in actuality the doctor was just very very short.. a giggle moment for sure..

I have found that in times like today.. I become keenly aware of everything around me and often aware of how ridiculous it is.. my giggle moments are coming fast and furious..

for those of you that do not know... a MRI uses a magnetic field.... there is an IV involved and a solution is used towards the end of the test that highlights areas of abnormality.. and those images are compared to the ones taken at the beginning of the test...

The IV is started... table type contraption..of very hard plastic .. face down with your chest actually placed over an open area of the table.. and you are wheeled into the room with the MRI to begin the test....

"put your arms above your head Mary.. like Superman flying" my nurse said.. Superman .... couragous .. determined... Superman.. She then placed a ball in my hand and said.. "if you feel any pain or discomfort or you just feel like you cannot finish the test.. Squeeze the ball"

almost right away, I realized that I could not breath.. not only are you are on your stomach with your chest through a hole in the table..you are also angled so that your upper stomach and lower rib cage fall right across the hard ridge of the table...it doesn't help when you feel like crying.... "Mary.. I am going to tuck a little pillow between your rib cage and table.. it will help you to breath a little easier" my nurse tells me and my mind replies.. "don't squeeze the ball Mary... don't squeeze the ball"..

The test starts and as the machine beeps and hammers.... I start repeating to my self.. "like Superman Flying... courageous.. determined.. don't squeeze the ball.. don't squeeze the ball.. "

I think of my lotus blossom daughters and the deep breathing of yoga.. in and out through the nose.. breath.. sink into the breath... don't squeeze the ball... don't squeeze the ball..

"We are going to start the IV Mary".. they say and I feel the solution warm moving up my arm.. to my neck and face and suddenly I realize that my arms and hands are numb.. I can't squeeze the ball.. because I can no longer feel it.. "like Superman Flying".. courageous and determined... sink into the breath... sink into the breath..

and then we were done....lessons learned = don't squeeze the ball.. don't squeeze the ball.. like Superman Flying.. courageous and determined... defying gravity.. I am defying gravity

Just shine....Just shine...

It really is amazing to me how lately I find inspiration in things said and done around me.... cancer does make you pay attention... words become very personal and intense.. there is meaning in everything.. lessons constantly surround you.. emotional recipes being thrown together to see what works and what keeps you from crying..

This evening I attended a work related dinner...great food, wine flows.... hugs and kisses from those you see everyday and those you see once in a while.... my company won two awards... it really doesn't matter what they were... what matters is the way they were accepted..

Both of the recipients spoke from the heart... sincerely... they acknowledged their feelings towards others.....pay attention here... they acknowledged their feelings towards others.. opened their hearts and gave value to those around them.. I was so proud to be a part of that moment.. a part of the things they value and a revelation came to me......

You have heard, I am sure, the expression "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel".. you know... after misery and trauma.. you look away from yourself and see the light.. passage away from terrible times to some place open and away.

I realized that if you are lucky...like me.. if you are blessed... like me.. you will find yourself one day surrounded by family, friends and people that love you ...people that actually see that light.... that elusive light at the end of the tunnel... is really within your own heart...

If you are especially lucky.. like me.. if you are especially blessed ... like me.. they will also make sure that you see that light as well... and then you can do exactly what one of our award winners suggested...

.... just shine...just shine...

old recipes

I woke up last night thinking about old friends and cooking.. recipes.. for some reason I woke up thinking about all the recipes in my cookbooks that have spent time with family and friends at dinners and lunches, breakfasts and afternoons of appetizers and wine..

I like recipes ...and cookbooks...my family knows this and I have a lot of them... Mario, Lydia, Giada De Laurentiis, Rocco Dispirto (sigh ..what a cutie) and a huge Italian cookbook from a sweet friend at work The Silver Spoon (the Italian bible according to Barnes and Noble).... there is a theme here.. interrupted by one British guy (Jamie Oliver) but only because it is a book about Italy and Italian cooking.. I especially like cookbooks with beautiful colored photos of what the food is supposed to look like when you follow the recipe..

I have realized though that as much as I love to look at those cookbooks and try a recipe or two.. I always fall back on old favorites.. hidden away in a binder/notebook that has pages with compartments in which I have shoved bits and pieces, pictures and magazine pages.. This binder/notebook was designed by my youngest granddaughter for me.. with an abstract kind of penguin on the front that she drew.. it is one of my favorite things and holds all kinds of family favorites.. smudged with flour and worn out but still readable...

I realized today that I am kind of like that with my friends as well.. tucked away.. favorites.. . you pick up where you left off.. you know the ingredients almost by heart.. you always go back to them and enjoy the memories that they bring..the stories they tell....friends for years no matter how far apart the conversations...no matter how smudged with flour and worn out.. still readable.. this is how it is supposed to be when you follow the recipe..

fearless

This weekend we drove to California to participate in the graduation process of our youngest, Michelle. After years of hard work, she has achieved her PHD..and one of the celebration events planned was taking me to her yoga class...

I have mentioned a time or two before experiences with my new found mission to "yogi" but I do have to spend a minute or two more sharing this class with you.. not so much because I was dripping wet with sweat after 30 minutes of "hop, jump, fly" to new positions in a room with 25-28 people that got really warm after 15 minutes of everyone "hopping, jumping and flying to new positions" (which I might add included hand stands and back bends that showed incredible control and strength).. but because there was quite clearly enlightenment for me there....

Because I was brand new and at Michelle's request, Mark - instructor- put me exactly across from him so that he could assist me and immediately ( I am thinking to myself) remove me from the room when everyone realized.. I had no balance, strength or great yogi clothes for that matter..

As we started, I realized that there was more than a message of fitness and wholeness but a soft insistent spiritual message in the form of a story being shared by Mark the instructor.. Mark with the soft melodic voice and wonderful smile talked about a workshop he had attended and what he had realized while there.. in telling the story .. continuing it in pieces and parts throughout the workout.. you came to believe very much in what he was saying.. and I will share my understanding of it with you...

It is impossible to be fearless... however ... how you handle your fear is determined by your courage.. and courage comes from being authentic to yourself and tenacity...

authentic to yourself.... he reminded us not to watch our neighbor but to find in ourselves what we thought our limits would be and have the tenacity to push a bit more..

authentic to yourself.. to find the courage to face what ever life brings us....and be ourselves....

authentic to yourself.....Namasta... ommmmmmmmmm.....

So now I find myself in love with Carol, my surgeons desk manager, AND Mark with the soft voice helping my push through the fear and find my courage.. these people...angels on earth.. sent to heal.. how lucky can I be.

The next step .. The visit...

For those of you that like to read the end of the book first.. I will start with a portion of a sentence my surgeon highlighted in bright yellow on a page of information about ductal carcinoma in situ....

"As stated above, in most cases DCIS has a very high cure rate with survival approaching 100%."

"focus on this sentence".. she said as she pushed the page toward me.. I left holding on to my films and the page of information she had given me..

The beginning of the book has an introduction... her name is Carol

She is the receptionist, greeter, take all the information, sister to the surgeon that is the first person you see when you enter Dr. Harrison's office. She is shiny.. like a penny.. a handsome, tall, dark skinned woman that speaks in a tone of voice that is so sincere you want to lay your head on her shoulder.. because you know that she will wrap her arms around you and say in that bright shiny voice.. "it's ok".... you immediately know.. this woman is not going to forget, confuse or irritate you.. she is very efficient and commented now and then with "goodness.. we are a bit backed up.. :)" smiling all the time.. assuring all that no worries.. no one will be missed and that they are there for everyone.. I am in love with Carol..

We were " a bit backed up" and 25 minutes after my appointment time, I was finally summoned to the exam room.... by then I had gone to the bathroom 3 times.. needed chap stick because my lips were sticking together and became aware of weird growly noises coming from my tummy because I had been to nervous to eat breakfast..

I did not wait long.. Dr. Neidra Harrison is much like her sister Carol in looks.. .. but sterner.. she is not shiny.. she is determined.. it is in her step, her questions and her look you right in the eye way of talking to you and this persona is even more clear to you after an hour of questions and reviewing medical history.. and the most complete breast exam I have ever had... if I still smoked.. I would have to light one up..I am just saying..

The visit then moved to her office (I can see why they get "backed up" due to unhurried one on one time with patients) where we were joined by my Tim.. where she very carefully and completely explained what needed to be done..

No surgery to be scheduled till a MRI is done (next week) to determine if there is any cancer in my other breast..

No surgery to be scheduled till the MRI (next week) tells her exactly where the cancer is because she is concerned that she may have to remove my nipple to get it all and have clean margins.. which is basically a partial mastectomy..

No surgery to be scheduled till the Radiologist tells her that I can have radiation again.. so soon after my last treatment.. if not a full mastectomy will have to be done.. other wise there is a 40% chance the cancer will come back..

But it has started.. step by step ...

"as stated above, in most cases DCIS has a very high cure rate with survival approaching 100%"

Real Yoga 101--no paramedics involved..

My daughter Julia lives not far from me "in the club" which is nestled in the foothills here in Anthem.. and the community center there has classes that are free for those that live there.. and also with a small charge for those of us that visit.. so tonight we did yoga..

You will have to excuse the rambling of this post but my arms, back, neck , shoulders and inside organs are so sore from "opening up to the sun" positions that I can barely type..

There was one that we had to put one foot in front of the other and kinda twist and kinda sit down and I realized I was sitting in the opposite direction of all the other "yogi"... like a pretzel but also backwards.. it is good to know that this does not give you a heart attack all though it is pretty humiliating..

The saving grace to this humiliation was that my granddaughter was with us.. so it probably was pretty embarrassing for her as well, which we grandparents always love ... I am sure that she will say one day that she has always known me to be backwards and twisted and did not need a yoga class to know that.

Lessons learned = recipe for success....

Do it again.. always do it one more time.. . I felt like I was putting my body through its paces.. even though I wanted to throw up after 40 minutes.. but I want to do it again...

Resist the impulse to giggle hysterically in a crowd while standing on one foot trying to keep your balance.. .. even when you have to pee.. I accomplished this tonight..

Have children and grandchildren that love you no matter how upside down or uncoordinated you are.. one of my best things in my recipe..

Realize with no uncertainty that you are better, stronger, more persistent than you think..

defying gravity.....I am defying gravity... one yoga position at a time..