Blessings in disguise..

... it took me a few days to recognize the blessings in disguise... my mother dying so suddenly brought up feelings and thoughts long ago dismissed..

the death of anyone brings along with it some personal challenges... how you grieve...emotions rise and  things can be difficult

.. rainbows, hats and flowers slowly pushed away dark clouds... hugs and laughter came flooding forward to push back things long ago dismissed..

...it took me a few days to recognize the blessings in disguise
the chance to see the rainbows, the hats and the flowers...
the chance to make the choice of the path you are on..
the chance to see how others see you ...to recognize what you have become..
or what you want to become......or what you must become..

it took me a few days for the clouds to be pushed away and realize that I am standing in the rainbow.. to have the chance to make a choice.. to recognize my blessings...

"People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within" ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Rainbows, Hats and Flowers...

We woke up this morning to loud cold Colorado wind.. the day we were to lay my mother to rest.. it was not sunny...it was not bright... but as we drove this morning to the services.. rainbows appeared..

honestly.. rainbows.. bright and clear.. with no rain....our directions were clear... we were to follow the rainbow.. and come together as a family to lay Carol Sue to rest.. As I got out of the car.. my cousin Kendra came up to me and said.. "did you see the rainbow?".. I will never ever see a rainbow again.. without thinking of my mother..beautiful bright colored rainbows...

The service was wonderful.. mom's favorite music.. and there were flowers everywhere.. bright rainbow colors... not just funeral whites and pastels... but reds, violets and blues...

The Aunts and Uncles had met and they decided they wanted to read my blog about the West Virginia Girl at the eulogy.. My sweet Aunt Pauline.. who was the closest to my mother.. called me before the services and asked permission for my Aunt Patty to read it.. and many friends stood up and shared stories that made us laugh .. and some that made us cry..

One of the best parts of the service was that the Aunts had decided.. all the girls were to wear hats in celebration of my mother...my mother loved..loved... hats..... she had many.. all sorted by color and size.. and all of the girls, Aunts and grandchildren picked a hat to wear to her service.. it was a wonderful tribute and I am sure my mother loved it..

My children used some of their time to visit childhood haunts... schools and places full of memories.. they had a wonderful time going through ton's of pictures that my mother had...teasing each other.. hugging each other and loving each other..

and as my family all came into the chapel today.. the day we laid my mother to rest.. the girls in their hats.. and Tim and Tony in their suits.. I just was in awe of how wonderful they were.. how blessed I am and how grateful I was of their constant support ..

It filled my heart to see them.. their great Aunts and Uncles holding and hugging them close.. and helped me accept that there are things that end... only to begin other things... new families and new generations.. memories and love and laughter... rainbows..flowers and hats...

unexpected farewells and trust...

My mother died today... My Uncle Nick called me at work and told me that she had passed.. .she was in the hospital .. and had called my Aunt the night before saying she was fine... and going home.. and then this morning she died...maybe she meant..going home for real...

My sweet Tim came to get me from work... and as we were driving home.. double rainbows appeared up North... bright ....colorful..complete rainbows.. and I realized that my mother was telling me she was in the light.. the colors..again a beautiful dark haired girl from West Virginia... a coal miners daughter ...a real one.. the eldest of a huge brood of wild children...

Every mother ~ daughter has their ups and downs..my mother and I share many traits ...so we have had our share of ups and downs....but I started to smile thinking of her exploits and things she did... so as my tribute to my mother.. that beautiful dark haired girl from West Virginia I must share this one..

My sweet Tim is not Italian or Catholic and when we first married he did not want to open presents on Christmas Eve...

well in my house ...growing up.. we always opened Santa's presents on Christmas Eve after midnight mass...because Santa would come while we were at church and after church we would head for home..we would fly out of the car....run to the door .. fling it open and HOLY COW... Santa had been there... 

We always started the evening off at my grandmother's and I was at least 16 before I realized...all my uncles and my dad were disappearing off and on during the evening to go home and put out toys before mass...  it was my shared secret....none of the other grand kids knew this .... I had become an ADULT... 

When my mother realized that I had married a heathen that would not open presents until Christmas Day..she just was not having it and broke out the artillery..  my sweet Tim starting receiving letters from Santa, Elves, the Mafia, the Pope and everyone else.... telling him basically he was going to go to Hell...if he did not let Carol's daughter Marilynne open gifts on Christmas Eve... all in the same handwriting of course.. different stationary appropriate to the "group" that had sent it.  

So a compromise was made... we opened my mother's presents to us on Christmas Eve.. every year..and all the others on Christmas Day..and the fact that one year she sent Tim blow up red clown shoes only made it more fun...

I trust in my savior and I have a vision of her ..the beautiful dark haired West Virginia girl ..the coal miner's daughter...laying in God's arms.. no pain... no anger..knowing she was and is loved.. asking him... "when do you open presents?"

He better tell her Christmas Eve..  

for Carol Sue ~ always loved ~ always the beautiful dark haired West Virginia girl...

missing parts and broken hearts..starting the journey back to normal

it has been almost a week to the day of my second surgery.. the one where they replace the enlargers with implants and you are supposed to feel... when you wake up like you have real breasts again..

it was a close call.. Monday morning they checked my temperature again and again .. checked my lungs time after time.. before they finally said.. OK we are going to go..  Although I had walked a 5K the day before, I still felt pretty awful and felt such a sense of relief.. they were going to go ahead and do the surgery.. still on schedule... going as planned... continuing my way back to normal...

I woke up sore, really really sore.. but excited that part of the journey back to normal was finished..even though I was sore.. the intense pain in my shoulders and back were gone..I really slept.. for the first time in days.. deep heavy sleep.....but I kept waking up thinking things were missing... how can you get back to normal..when nothing is normal any more and you realize ...never...ever will be again...

I have slept a lot this week... and have cried a lot as well... I cannot seem to get over the fact that I am missing parts.. .. I know that I have new ones.. smaller to be sure (as requested) perky, round, bruised and new....I also have scars... long very visible scars....how can you get back to normal... when you don't know any longer what normal is....

no cancer.. no chemo.. no radiation.. I walked along with women and men this last weekend... that have it far worse then me.. I don't have breasts... but I also have no chemo and radiation and lost hair..  I will have check ups... I will have scary moments... it will be part of my journey to normal..

but I cannot stop crying.. I am grateful and I feel guilty for mourning a part or parts of me that I really did not like.. but they were me.. like my fingers and toes.. my heart feels broken and I cannot stop crying because my normal is gone.. I have to find the new normal and I realize that is in experiences not denial that the journey begins...

I have to embrace the new me.. and stop pretending I am the same.. I am not.. I am missing parts and my heart is broken..and for this week... I cannot stop crying..  but one part of me will not change... normal for me is not giving up..the journey continues... along a different path not as known as the one before..

breathe in the good.. the white light and push out the darkness.. say goodbye to normal and embrace the new.. there are 3 Marys.. the old, the one now and the one to be... I will find normal when all three become one.. and missing parts and broken hearts are healed...pull from my courage ..sink into the breath... the journey back to normal has started..

Friendships~big and small

It is the night before my second surgery and all I can think about was that today I walked the Susan G Komen 5K along with 30,000 others..........

That 30,000 included a number of people from my work family all wearing their "Radiated Cupcake"
t-shirts, my #1 lotus blossom daughter Julia, Cupcake Runner survivor friend Irma and some of the Cupcake Runners from our club here in Anthem....

I cannot move from my mind the realization that it is times like this that true friendships and love come to the surface, swell out and roll over you in waves....

I could not have done it without them.. knowing they were there...it made me determined to make it.. to walk it.. ..to cross it.... to finish.. My dear friend Irma who first motivated me to finish a race ...ran with me past the finish line..and then there is Heather and Regina..fellow Cupcakes..... who showed up in pink tootoos  with pink bows in their hair ... Heather and Regina.. who ran to catch up with us with our rescue bags of water and pink pom poms and finished walking the race with us..

All people that gave up their day for a promise..and Friendships ~ big and small...

Tomorrow starts a new beginning for me.. another one.. but each beginning only shows me more of the same.. that I am surrounded by a circle of love.. a circle of strength.. I can gather my armies when I need them.. even for hugs... Friendships~big and small.. ..make my circle ..they wear cupcake t-shirts and tootoos with pink bows in their hair...

Susan G Komen ~ The Promise

It is about 4:30 am and we are getting ready to leave.  We are heading downtown so that I can participate in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure.  I have taken my Tylenol, wrapped my ribs in bandages for support and I am ready.. I am disappointed I will not be able to run... but my lungs cannot take it yet and with my surgery tomorrow.. I cannot risk pushing too much.. It has been a fight to get this far because of that stupid cold that decided to settle into my lungs at the last minute..

what is so special to me about this race is that it is not just about breast cancer ...it is about sisters.. and the promise of one to the other that she would do everything she could to keep other women from going through the pain, mutilation and despair that her beloved sister had to go through in her attempts to live... promises can change lives... that promise made years ago changed millions of lives... I hope I can change one at a time..

So... Susan... here is my promise... I will never give up.. I will fight cancer with every ounce of my being.. I will be there for others and will try to help them understand cancer as a gift and an opportunity to be reborn.. and not a death sentence.. .. I promise..

Walking the Susan G Komen 5K - antibiotics..rest...rest... rest -

My second surgery is scheduled for Monday and I feel awful...after an week of coughing that has made me feel like my chest was going to split apart and fever, my doctor has put me on antibiotics..in hopes I will be able to to have surgery as scheduled on Monday morning.. 

It is discouraging to have your body betray you by not getting over a cold immediately... I always get over a cold ...immediately...

I keep in my mind that nothing has changed.. I have no breasts.. but nothing has changed.. I always get over a cold ..immediately.. I do not have to slow down.. .. but I have had to face the cold hard fact that it is not my body betraying me that got me here.. instead it is me betraying my body.. pushing ...pushing..

....I always get over a cold... immediately.. As much as I try to pretend things are the same.. my life is different.. more fragile than before.. and it cannot be ignored. 

So I will rest.. until Sunday.. Sunday is the Susan G Komen 5K..I will not run on Sunday but walk..but I am going to go.. I have to... it was my goal to move across the finish line.. to move forward down the road... to finish a task and move on... I cannot give that up.. but I will rest... I will face facts this one time... I always get over a cold....immediately..

veggie soup in a popcorn bowl.. or how we make decisons..

I have been sick most of the week.. had to leave work early Wednesday...called out Thursday and today worked from home just to stay caught up but still feel really pretty yucky..chills..aches.. my shoulders hurt so, so bad.. almost like when I first got home after my mastectomy... ..

I have not been able to walk or run and am going to miss the Ironwood 5K walk up here in Anthem tomorrow.. my boss thinks it is because I am running so soon after my surgery.. she said "you never listen to me".. which is not true.. I do listen.. but I have a tendency to pick and choose what I believe..

I am pretty sure I have the flu and because my 2nd surgery is so close I had to switch this week from Alieve (which works) to bunches of Tylenol (which doesn't) for those enlarger aches and pains that I still have..put flu on top of that and I should be able to sue Tylenol.. for false advertising..

so finally today... I felt like I could eat something....not counting the DELICIOUS cheeseburger my sweet Tim brought me home last night for dinner.....(I made the decision a while back to not eat red meat because it is bad for you)...The other decision (from the advice of my #1 lotus blossom daughter) was not to heat things up in the microwave in plastic.. all decisions made too late in life to stop cancer..too late..  but I stand by them now.. even though I used to do all of those things .. I act like I have been paying attention all along.. and I have never done them at all..

so finally today.. I found myself looking around for a bowl that would do for can of soup in the microwave.. now.. please understand there is plastic all over my house.. for cupcake giveaways and from and for food tidings drop offs...how tempting.. just grab a bowl and pour in the soup.. who would know?..I mean the cheeseburger had had not ill effects...  but I held firm

....and used my sweet Tim's ceramic popcorn bowl... it is a small bowl.. he uses it so he won't eat the entire bag of popcorn.. even though he goes back a few times to refill it before he is full.. it work perfectly....

As I sat and ate my soup.. I watched a show (Charlie Rose) that had a panel of scientists discussing why and how people make decisions..(some things just fall into place for me)..  there are simple decisions and complex decisions.. I have come to the conclusions that my decisions are usually simple and because my children may yell at me ...lol   I am tired of the aches and pains.. even though I should be greatful for them... and more than ready for this to be over..

now.. I wonder if my sweet Tim will bring me home a bacon burger... ????