I asked permission to reprint this .. a wonderful insight into the heart of one of my nieces.. I was thinking today that my focus should be more on others..I am impatient with my recovery.. wondering what the rest of my life journey should mean... it is always about me when I blog.. how I feel..what hurts,, what helps.. just proves the point that as human beings we sometimes become so focused on ourselves.. we do not have the same perception of our disease, attitude or actions that others may have about the exact same experiences...Lessons learned = I have found that a sign always comes.. a bird flies close to me and reminds me of my dear Grandmother..or a note floats through the air and lands on a facebook page that so profoundly touches you.. as my number 1 daughter noted.. "I could barely read it through my tears" and you know... you just know you are here for a reason and you do not need to know what it is or plan it out.. you just live in the moment.. living with joy...
So please take a moment to meet my niece... long legged..used to have pony tails that were never straight.. beautiful Nicole.. and her "New Beginnings"...
From Nicole...
After reading my Aunt's powerful blog on how she is getting through her breast cancer, I am realizing that I take advantage of life. She has been writing since May, when she first found out she has cancer for the second time. I've been too afraid to read it. When I was 8, I lost my best friend to cancer: My grandpa. My family and my grandparents lived about 20 or 30 minutes away from each other, us in Woodland Park, and them in Colorado Springs. After school almost everyday, we would go see them and that was the best part of my day. We would get there, and he would get me a big bowl of ice cream, and we would sit and watch Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy. Although being so young and not knowing how either show worked, it was the happiest of times for me. He had three different types of cancer, two he beat, and the last one that finally took his life. At 8 years old, I didn't know a lot about death. I did watch him take his last breath, something I wish could be taken away from my memories, but also something important to me (although it's hard to explain why I would want to keep the memory of literally watching my grandpa die.) Ever since then, as I have grown older and learned more of death and disease, I am afraid of cancer. So when I first found out both times that my Aunt, my hero, one of my best friends, got cancer, I freaked. She posts the link to her blog every once in a while and describes her journey, but I could never work up the nerve to read it. Finally, over the past hour, I have read it. And I'm glad I did.
Now I just feel selfish. Because although, I have my health, I have a fully functioning body, I'm getting an education, I live in a great house, have an incredible family, and wonderful friends, I take advantage of every single part of it. In May, when I got broken up with by a guy I dated for four months, I felt like it was the end of the world. I am still hurting. But that happens when you fall in the love for the first time then get your heart broken. Either way, there are way worse things that can happen. Cancer can happen.
Then I went on a trip to Las Vegas for my orientation at UNLV. I was there, ID card, schedule, dorm assignment. We came back and my parents told me we wouldn't afford it (*not because we are "poor", but because it's $35,000 a year, with only about 4,000 dollars in financial aid a year, just for the record). I was devastated. Which also is allowed when it's the only college you apply to because it's the only life you have planned since Freshman year of high school. I laid in bed for two weeks, barely talking to anyone but family and my best friend. But again, there could be much worse things. Cancer is worse.
There are so many people out there that don't have their health, that have lost a battle to cancer, or diabetes, or AIDS, or much more. I have my health, except for a few little problem, otherwise, good heart, good organs, and a functioning brain (most of the time, other than my reoccurring "blonde moments" even though I am a natural brunette.)
My dad, was a police officer for 17 years, a sergeant. Which in fact can be a burden on my part as a teenager :P But the fact is, him being a police officer as I was growing up, made me who I am. I am mostly called a "goody goody" but I am proud of it. I don't want to get myself in stupid situations. My future means too much to me. I want to succeed in doing what I want to do. Anyways, while trying to arrest a drunk man one day, he was injured by this drunk man and forced to medically retire, where now, he lives with Rheumatoid Arthritis, a disease whereas he can't hardly move most of the time, where he can literally only eat about 10-15% of the food out there, without wheat, gluten, dairy, shellfish, meat, most veggies, most fruit, and much more. I dare you to go to the store and find ten things without all of those ingredients. It's mostly impossible. He has lived with this for about ten years, where we help him get up, get dressed, make food, cut a vegetable, open jars, get in and out of the car and even sometimes walk depending on how he is feeling. I used to play soccer with him at the park when I was little. He helped me practice through the six years I played soccer. He helped through the first 3 or 4 years, and by the last season, before we moved to Arizona for his health he could only sit and watch my games. My point is, he doesn't have his health. If he gets sick, he's in the hospital, if he got the swine flu (now pretty much gone) he dies. So when my mom and I both had the swine flu at same time last year, we both sat in my room watching movies, never allowed to leave the room. I take advantage of my dad. He helps me with anything I need, and all I do is give him attitude and fight with him nonstop.
Then there's my aunt. When we moved to Arizona five years ago, she was incredible to us. Found us a house, made us dinner almost every night, picked me up at school and brought me to her house where she would make me food and we would watch TV and do homework. Now she is fighting hard to cure her breast cancer, just getting out of surgery and recovering for the next month or so.
So much worse things can happen to my life than getting my heart broken, or not being able to go to the school I want. I'm still going to college in August, even if it's a place I wasn't planning on going to, it's an education, and it's going to get me back to Colorado or wherever I choose to go to University in two years. I do have my health, although I eat more sugar and junk food than I should, and I probably should actually start working out. But the thing is, I complain and refuse something as small as getting my wisdom teeth out, while my aunt just had Breast Cancer surgery. It's ridiculously selfish of me.
I am going to take this newly planned life I have and embrace it. I just got lucky to have received two new jobs while I am here within a two week time period. Not to mention that I was going to Vegas on my own, with no one, six hours away from my family, and however much every graduate heading off to college dreams of being so far away on their own, it would have never given me the chance to be able to go to back to Colorado in two years. Plus, I may have a chance to living with my best friend there and being with all of my other family. I am going to cross things off the bucket list we made for a final project in Free Enterprise, that I couldn't do in Vegas. With all the money I am going to be saving with going to community college, I could go to New York for Christmas and New Years, and travel Europe or see a professional ballet or New York Broadway show. But first, I am going to cross a very important one off of my list:
I am going to walk the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K October 10th, 2010 with my [now] recovering Aunt. The Breast Cancer Survivor.
Well done Nicole.. Defying Gravity ... and living in Joy.. every moment a new start.. Aunt Mary
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