celebrating birthdays... and other wonderful events

Today is my sweet Tim's birthday.. I am blessed to be here to spend it with him...that is the Relay for Life motto I think.. Celebrating More Birthdays ....as we survive...

.. . I found a birthday card with a picture that said so much about who we are ...Tim and I.. many of you know him as the quiet tall guy in the background.. always ready to catch what falls over or off..  but this photo on the front of this card.. you know the saying "a photo is worth a thousand words.".

On the front of the card is a photo of two children ...about 9 years old.. a boy and girl.. the boy holding on to the hand of the girl and dragging and pulling her behind him as he jumps in and out of waves rolling up to the beach that they are walking on..she has on a straw hat and is laughing looking at the camera .. and you know she is thinking.. "Oh my gosh..  he never stops!" ... but she keeps holding on to his hand as he drags her in and out of the water as it rolls up to the beach.. He is totally engaged in the fun of it and is pretty sure that she is getting soaked... but he knows that she won't let go.. of his hand.. ever..and he will hold on.. to catch the things that fall over or fall off..

She knows that if he weren't pulling her through the water along the edge of the beach, he would be trying to teach her to body surf on a lime green raft or yelling in her ear "this is the best present you have ever given me" as they are dragged across the desert in a hot air balloon or lifted up and set down wearing waders that went up to her neck ..in a straw hat .. in a river in Montana to fly fish with him...

....always holding her hand..never letting go.. and she holds on..thinking "Oh my gosh..he never stops"  laughing ... he doesn't have to look back.. he knows she will hold on and they will celebrate more birthdays....he got it..the card and what it meant.. my sweet Tim always ready to catch what falls over or off.. he got it..

slightly imperfect...

I am black and blue and bruised.. the next few weeks are the worst I am told.. 3 more visits.. 3 more.. I brought cupcakes with me this time.. coconut ones with cherry fillings and little cherries on the tops.. like slightly imperfect boobies.. a reminder to my doctor of what mine need to look like when he is done.. slightly imperfects.. rounded out with icing.. small flaws hidden with coconut and cherry topping..

Slightly imperfect like me.. .. but that is ok.. I am starting to round out..

The spasms start now as soon as the needle goes in and they had trouble finding the port on the right side.. it has moved.. "great!... the one thing on my body that I counted on to stay in place decided to move closer to my underarm....."butt..moved... waist .moved.. knee caps.. decidedly wrinkled.. and hey are they lower.?"   ... poke and prod and push.. "aha.. here it is.."  too late.. tears..  no sleep..no walking early Saturday morning.. so about noon.... I started doing what I do best.
I baked..

cupcakes for a baby shower with a cake topper.. rich chocolate cupcakes.. even when I am sore and tired and cranky.. cooking soothes me.. maybe it is the rhythm of mixing and tasting and watching cupcakes raise.. cakes puff up and round out.. icing swirls on in beautiful colors.. 

I feel at home when I cook and bake.. I have blown cupcakes up in the over and sank them like cement by shutting an oven door too hard.... they can always be used.. as a layer for tiramisu.. with a sprinkling of chocolate fudge and zablaiogne creme.. there is a use for everything.. even slightly imperfect.... add one or two things and it becomes perfection...

I wonder more and more what my "use " should be.. I am meant for things.. but what?  How do I find the answer.. what things must I add to round out and puff up the slightly imperfect me?  time will tell....

I am thinking more and more about my yoga class with musical voiced Mark.. and his steady insistence that we are not fearless but can push ourselves and our limits.......... with courage.. " answers always come..be patient"  as my boss once told me.. Do I have the courage to hear them..

You never know ...when blessings jump in the way..

This weekend started out with an early Saturday.. goals reached..2 miles walked..  the bar set a bit higher.. wonderful movie (Eat, Pray, Love) that really struck some musical cords with me because it is about a person finding themselves...finding joy.... weekends full of friends and fun .

...I am starting to really feel the pain of my muscle walls stretching more and more.. it is different from when it first started..it is exhausting ..  I spent a bit of time weeping because I had decided I was tired of it.. just for a moment..but then my blessings jump in the way.. wipe the tears and save the day..

..I made myself stop a number of times this weekend to count my blessings as they were sitting around a table sharing funny stories, margaritas, great wine.. and chocolate deserts.. laughter so hard that your muscles hurt and you are so thankful that they have been guided your way..how would I survive without them.. they are my focus.. my pain killers.. my strength and courage..    I found a poem that tells it all..

You Never Know ~ Author Unknown
You never know when someone - May catch a dream from you.
You never know when a little word - Or something you may do
May open up a window - Of the mind that seeks the light
The way you live may not matter at all - But you never know - it might.
And just in case it could be - That another's life through you.
Might possibly change for the better - With a broader brighter view.
It seems it might be worth a try - At pointing the way to the right.
Of course, it may not matter at all - But then again it might.

Thank you.... all of my blessings..... for always jumping in the way.. wiping  the tears and saving  the day..

Stripped down to zero and other serious conversations...

"Having had cancer, one important thing to know is you're still the same person at the end. You're stripped down to near zero. But most people come out the other end feeling more like themselves than ever before" ~Kylie Minogue

This week has been full of "serious" conversations with friends and co workers about who we are .. why we are here.. what kind of power we can pull from inside us to fight our foes..working on not being fearless but having courage..

During these conversations I have become more and more convinced... my heart is pure and I am who I am because of what I have been through.. I like who I am and where I am going.. spiritually, physically, mindfully with courage and purpose..  I feel my heart is pure..  I feel joy, I laugh more, I love more, I am more... because I had to start over..

Yes.. it is true.... when you are told you have cancer.. for a moment, a day, a week or maybe forever ..you are "stripped down to zero"...If you are blessed like me.. if you are lucky like me... you start over.. what a wondrous opportunity.. to start over.. so many of us go through life ...each day the same.. with never a thought of anything deeper than.. "I need a haircut".. or "ugh..what a day at work"..  They do not see the opportunity of each day ..no each minute.. to start over..

Don't misunderstand me.. my mind will still wander in that direction ..today for some reason I decided to visit Kohls and try on bras.. pretty ones.. size B.. nope that did not work well and was a bit depressing.. but more often than not..my mind wanders in the direction of how much I enjoy the people around me..especially my children.. they are incredible human beings...and my friends... all I want is to lift them into the light.. with a shoulder, a hug, cupcakes and encouragement.. we cannot fail.. we only learn who we are..

once we are stripped down to zero..

where you belong... and who belongs with you ..

Friday's visit to get "enhanced" was over in minutes.. I had a threesome.. yup.. me, my plastic surgeon and the medical student.. did a threesome.. each one had a syringe.. added 60 ccs and I closed my eyes.. that is what "never give up" Leighton called it.. well having your chest enlarged by 60 ccs a week is rather intimate..

I noticed the medical student that I am training had beautiful earrings on and she liked mine.. funny how things just become normal because they are repeated.. and then sometime this weekend I noticed that I was getting cleavage!  higher than I am normally used to seeing it but I have been assured it is where it is supposed to be..

I did better this time.. Friday night is a nightmare - uncomfortable and cranky - I told Tim.. OK this is as big as I want..  but the next day was better.. each next day is always better..

My sweet Tim.. wakes me up most Saturday morning after he has already been up for hours...sleeping till 7 is a sleep in day for him.. He always makes me feel that he wakes me up because he needs my company... even if I know it is to help finish the grocery list.. it's OK.. that feeling of "he needs my company"  has lasted over 20 years and I realize where I belong and who belongs with me... it does us pretty good..

...this week it was up and out of the house.. move... move ...stretch ...stretch... this Saturday it got me through having lunch out.... a visit to Costco where I resisted the freebies and focused on veggies and good stuff.. it even got me after a nap to the movies.. Tim's choice...

it only got better.. Sunday I made it to tea with a cupcake runner who is also a breast cancer survivor.. we got to share some tears that only survivors can share.. I love her sense of humor and her passion for her family... we both believe we have paths to follow and we are meant to be something to someone..support or belief or faith.. I was again where I belonged.. with someone that belonged with me..

I find myself listening to see if I hear those stories.. of being where you belong and who belongs to you.. I love that I have a place on this earth that is so mine.. I belong.. find your place..do you see it..??  it is there for all of us.. lesson learned = look around... find your place... enjoy your life.. and always wear great earrings!  someone will notice..

New beginnings - a note from my niece Nicole

I asked permission to reprint this .. a wonderful insight into the heart of one of my nieces.. I was thinking today that my focus should be more on others..I am impatient with my recovery.. wondering what the rest of my life journey should mean... it is always about me when I blog.. how I feel..what hurts,, what helps.. just proves the point that as human beings we sometimes become so focused on ourselves.. we do not have the same perception of our disease, attitude or actions that others may have about the exact same experiences...Lessons learned = I have found that a sign always comes.. a bird flies close to me and reminds me of my dear Grandmother..or a note floats through the air and lands on a facebook page that so profoundly touches you.. as my number 1 daughter noted.. "I could barely read it through my tears" and you know... you just know you are here for a reason and you do not need to know what it is or plan it out.. you just live in the moment.. living with joy...

So please take a moment to meet my niece... long legged..used to have pony tails that were never straight.. beautiful Nicole.. and her "New Beginnings"...

From Nicole...
After reading my Aunt's powerful blog on how she is getting through her breast cancer, I am realizing that I take advantage of life. She has been writing since May, when she first found out she has cancer for the second time. I've been too afraid to read it. When I was 8, I lost my best friend to cancer: My grandpa. My family and my grandparents lived about 20 or 30 minutes away from each other, us in Woodland Park, and them in Colorado Springs. After school almost everyday, we would go see them and that was the best part of my day. We would get there, and he would get me a big bowl of ice cream, and we would sit and watch Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy. Although being so young and not knowing how either show worked, it was the happiest of times for me. He had three different types of cancer, two he beat, and the last one that finally took his life. At 8 years old, I didn't know a lot about death. I did watch him take his last breath, something I wish could be taken away from my memories, but also something important to me (although it's hard to explain why I would want to keep the memory of literally watching my grandpa die.) Ever since then, as I have grown older and learned more of death and disease, I am afraid of cancer. So when I first found out both times that my Aunt, my hero, one of my best friends, got cancer, I freaked. She posts the link to her blog every once in a while and describes her journey, but I could never work up the nerve to read it. Finally, over the past hour, I have read it. And I'm glad I did.



Now I just feel selfish. Because although, I have my health, I have a fully functioning body, I'm getting an education, I live in a great house, have an incredible family, and wonderful friends, I take advantage of every single part of it. In May, when I got broken up with by a guy I dated for four months, I felt like it was the end of the world. I am still hurting. But that happens when you fall in the love for the first time then get your heart broken. Either way, there are way worse things that can happen. Cancer can happen.


Then I went on a trip to Las Vegas for my orientation at UNLV. I was there, ID card, schedule, dorm assignment. We came back and my parents told me we wouldn't afford it (*not because we are "poor", but because it's $35,000 a year, with only about 4,000 dollars in financial aid a year, just for the record). I was devastated. Which also is allowed when it's the only college you apply to because it's the only life you have planned since Freshman year of high school. I laid in bed for two weeks, barely talking to anyone but family and my best friend. But again, there could be much worse things. Cancer is worse.


There are so many people out there that don't have their health, that have lost a battle to cancer, or diabetes, or AIDS, or much more. I have my health, except for a few little problem, otherwise, good heart, good organs, and a functioning brain (most of the time, other than my reoccurring "blonde moments" even though I am a natural brunette.)

My dad, was a police officer for 17 years, a sergeant. Which in fact can be a burden on my part as a teenager :P But the fact is, him being a police officer as I was growing up, made me who I am. I am mostly called a "goody goody" but I am proud of it. I don't want to get myself in stupid situations. My future means too much to me. I want to succeed in doing what I want to do. Anyways, while trying to arrest a drunk man one day, he was injured by this drunk man and forced to medically retire, where now, he lives with Rheumatoid Arthritis, a disease whereas he can't hardly move most of the time, where he can literally only eat about 10-15% of the food out there, without wheat, gluten, dairy, shellfish, meat, most veggies, most fruit, and much more. I dare you to go to the store and find ten things without all of those ingredients. It's mostly impossible. He has lived with this for about ten years, where we help him get up, get dressed, make food, cut a vegetable, open jars, get in and out of the car and even sometimes walk depending on how he is feeling. I used to play soccer with him at the park when I was little. He helped me practice through the six years I played soccer. He helped through the first 3 or 4 years, and by the last season, before we moved to Arizona for his health he could only sit and watch my games. My point is, he doesn't have his health. If he gets sick, he's in the hospital, if he got the swine flu (now pretty much gone) he dies. So when my mom and I both had the swine flu at same time last year, we both sat in my room watching movies, never allowed to leave the room. I take advantage of my dad. He helps me with anything I need, and all I do is give him attitude and fight with him nonstop.



Then there's my aunt. When we moved to Arizona five years ago, she was incredible to us. Found us a house, made us dinner almost every night, picked me up at school and brought me to her house where she would make me food and we would watch TV and do homework. Now she is fighting hard to cure her breast cancer, just getting out of surgery and recovering for the next month or so.


So much worse things can happen to my life than getting my heart broken, or not being able to go to the school I want. I'm still going to college in August, even if it's a place I wasn't planning on going to, it's an education, and it's going to get me back to Colorado or wherever I choose to go to University in two years. I do have my health, although I eat more sugar and junk food than I should, and I probably should actually start working out. But the thing is, I complain and refuse something as small as getting my wisdom teeth out, while my aunt just had Breast Cancer surgery. It's ridiculously selfish of me.


I am going to take this newly planned life I have and embrace it. I just got lucky to have received two new jobs while I am here within a two week time period. Not to mention that I was going to Vegas on my own, with no one, six hours away from my family, and however much every graduate heading off to college dreams of being so far away on their own, it would have never given me the chance to be able to go to back to Colorado in two years. Plus, I may have a chance to living with my best friend there and being with all of my other family. I am going to cross things off the bucket list we made for a final project in Free Enterprise, that I couldn't do in Vegas. With all the money I am going to be saving with going to community college, I could go to New York for Christmas and New Years, and travel Europe or see a professional ballet or New York Broadway show. But first, I am going to cross a very important one off of my list:

I am going to walk the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K October 10th, 2010 with my [now] recovering Aunt. The Breast Cancer Survivor.
 
 
Well done Nicole.. Defying Gravity ... and living in Joy.. every moment a new start..   Aunt Mary 

butterfly kisses... love notes and valium..

Back to work part time..moving to full time.. but hard to focus.. I keep finding wonderful music, thinking about movies I want to see... and working all week to prepare for the Friday pump up visits...This is my challenge...

it is not 6 ccs now.. it is 60 ccs.. and muscle spasms that move right down the insides of my arms start almost right way.. Friday and Saturdays are hard days....most days I am sore.. really sore.. ..but Friday nights and Saturdays are hard work..my muscles want to go back to where they were.. they fight to go back.. but I'm not letting them at all.. nope not giving up ... I WANT BOOBIES! there I said it out loud.. that makes it so.. say it and it is.. as my #1 lotus blossom daughter will tell me.. defying gravity... courage courage Mary...

This week a medical student and a new nurse assistant joined us... I was used to demonstrate how to use the "port finder" so the doctor knows where to insert the zillion foot long syringe.. "never give up" Leighton always calls it a "stud finder" and always puts it on his forehead saying .. 'damn it always goes to me first!" he he.. love love love.. that is my clue to close my eyes...

Tim goes with me as I walk almost every night and faster than I thought I could .. because my sweet Tim's legs are so long it is 3 steps to his one.. not running by any means.. but Enjoying life.. being woken up by butterfly kisses and sweet love notes hidden in drawers makes life's challenges so incredible easy to endure..

Enjoying life.. and butterfly kisses..

eat healthy, start to add things back to your routine slowly.. .Enjoy your Life

My perception of breast cancer and cancer all together is taking a turn...the change has been coming on for a while.. but it is very noticeable to me lately... maybe because my higher power has placed my being in the hands of some incredible people.. or because he/she has placed my mind in an incredible place.. I am not sure.. but my courage and joy grows day by day..

Each new person added to my team is somehow brought to me through others..... recommendations.... mentions in conversations and I am led to joy almost each day due to that...

Let me introduce you to the last of the doctors that make up my "reconstructed Mary" journey..he is a good humored, easy and softly speaking medical oncologist by the name of Dr. Kato... that welcomed Tim and I to his office by taking away all of the paperwork I was trying to complete (with the same hundred questions..of when you had childhood diseases that have NOTHING to do with cancer)....

...starting our visit by saying.."let us do that for you.. I have all your stuff that I need".. love love love... why do I fall in love so easily these days..

Dr. Kato in his lime green plaid shirt... calmly went through my pathology, notes from other doctors and then looked calmly up and said "questions?"

I confirmed with him (because I wanted him to say it out loud) no chemotherapy, no radiation.. "Nope, your margins are fantastic..no cancer there..no chemotherapy ..no radiation..."

"OK", I ask "what next?".... there is always something else.. a just in case.. a "we think this will be more protection".. like hormone inhibitors that case incredible bone pain.. which is what I was expecting to be told I had to take..

The green plaid shirt calmly told me.. "nothing really...you do not need the inhibitors because you chose a double mastectomy..you do not have a second breast for the cancer to come back to and that is what those are to prevent.... add things back to your routine slowly...remember you have had a traumatic surgery.. it will take months to heal...manage your fatigue...the process of stretching your wall muscles for your implants will be painful.. so don't be frightened by that.. come back to see me in 6 months.. have an ultrasound in a year and Mary... Enjoy your Life"...

Lessons learned = Living in Joy and defying gravity... enjoying your life.. all of these reminders of how we are to live each day... sink into the breath.... open your heart.. and thank the universe for putting such incredible beings within my grasp..a cosmic and universal recipe of ingredients of family, friends, angels and joy..

Enjoy your Life!