the January girls and their stories..

Both of my lotus blossom daughters were born in January.. one mid month and one towards the end.. so this month is full of celebrations.. week long.. no ... month long birthday celebrations.. for both of them..

They are very different.. and in many ways alike.. they believe in stories ..old ones and new ones..

The first born lotus blossom loves stories about journeys.. how we got here.. memories that we have.. she is the historian of our family.. a role that my mother had in her family.... and my first born has inherited that roll .. she saves photos and letters and cards and memories and hands them out when needed.. after my mother passed she found my baby book.. long ago forgotten in a box of my mother's papers.. rescued it and passed it back to me.. She likes peoples stories and hopefully realizes that she builds her own by protecting and keeping safe memories and history of loved ones.

The baby lotus blossom loves stories as well but uses them to heal hurts and hard times.. gently guiding children to tell their stories in order to help them understand themselves...without fear or pain.  She helps them finish stories.. put together words.. brings together page after page and binds them in a healing book..making memories bearable or at least understandable for others..

I am glad that I have the January girls.. they are pages in my book.. stories themselves..

Happy Birthday to you..

topsy turvey.. the world is tilted..

I am not surprised to hear we have all been living a lie .. and we are not the signs we have thought we were.... Not surprised am I... everything the last few years has been backwards, upside down or sideways.. as far as I am concerned.. Our horoscope signs have changed.. because the world has wobbled.. I am not surprised..

I have felt wobbly for a while.. topsy turvy and upside down.. tilted in a direction ..not knowing the road.. trying to follow the signs.. "what is your sign" has more meaning to me than most.. I look for signs.. I look for them everywhere.. I follow rainbows and birds that sing and fly high.. they are signs to help me heal..

Oddly enough .. my sign did not change.. it became more centered.. funny.. just like me.. I moved from a Virgo/Libra cusp..born at 11:01 pm .. in the very last hour that Virgo could  be.. often not sure of who I was.. my entire life.. and now .. as all around me seem confused because their signs have changed.... mine has become more solid.. ..more centered....more sure..

I am finding myself.. in a topsy...turvy and upside down way... sinking into life and love.. following the signs..looking for rainbows and birds that sing..

Namasteee outta my way .. Im going to throw up..

"Candle light yoga".. three little words.. sound sweet.. easy.. gentle... my thought when I saw the class on the monthly calendar at the gym.. yeah!!....... soft mat.. good music.. candles.. zzzzzzzzzz..

..to celebrate the 6th month anniversary of my surgery.. 6 months today.... my decision was to jump back in.. I have been walking.. I have been hula hooping with the little round glasses on her head WI person.. but not with any consistency.. so to celebrate my 6th month anniversary... I headed to the gym.. 2 miles on the treadmill... DONE and then some relaxing candle light yoga... got my mat.. got my water.. chatted .. chatted.. "no.. I really don't do too much yoga.. had some medical problems.. this year" .. "yeah I have taken a few yoga classes but really just wanted to do something relaxing"  "going to take it slow".. and in walks the instructor.. .. snap.. something is wrong here.. tall.. talllll.. skinny like a whip skinny woman ... no smile..high heel boots which she slipped before she lowered the lights and took her position...  ummmmm

"OK ladies and gentleman...let's get started.."..It only took me 15 minutes into the class to realize that a huge mistake had been made.. where were the candles???  and how come my instructor.. all 6ft 90 lbs of her.. HAD NO BONES... Had no bones you ask..??

..... yes HAD NO BONES!  

I know this to be a fact.. because how could she have possibly put her body in those positions if she had bones???  Twist that.. sink into this.. lower your chin to your chest.. The reason there are no candles is quite frankly to keep us from setting her on fire and walking out of the room..

Where is my gentle Mark?.. my youngest lotus blossom's mentor.. Mark of the soft encouraging voice.. the spiritual up lifting stories.. the soft wonderful smile??   Miss NO BONES has taken every vision of Mark from my head and now I am wondering.. "if I wrap that leg of hers a little more around her neck.. I can cut off her breathing and escape.."

While I was plotting my revenge including a law suit for misleading advertisement... I realized that .. hey.. wait.. I can do that.. so my knee is a little bent.. wait I know that pose.. yes I can do that.. and as I stopped focusing on getting rid of Miss NO BONES.. I realized that my body was stretching.. and I was sweating.. and it felt good..

I lite a candle when I got home.. and between the Jasmine smell and the Bengay rub.. realized it is was a good night..

Namaste ~

Dunkin and Louie...

I really ....really .....want a dog.. I have for a long time and have spent many a day trying to talk my sweet Tim in to getting me one.. once I "adopted" a lost baby Springer Spaniel and allllllmooooosssst had Tim talked into keeping it.. when it dug up all of the plants in our living room and left little paw prints alllll over the walls.. the owners showed up and my sweet Tim handed the dog over immediately.. 

I spend a lot of time at Petco or PetSmart or where ever there is an adoption van.. hugging and snuggling doggies that need a home... and have picture in my phone of a favorite and a picked out name of "garbanzo" if by chance I am ever able to wear Tim out and bring home a family addition..

....until this weekend.. this weekend I got to babysit my oldest lotus blossom's two dachshunds... Dunkin and Louie.. wiggly.. smushy.. chunky... Dunkin and Louie are at my house for the weekend..

Two incredible events have occurred.. my sweet Tim gave in to having dogs in the house over the weekend..and my oldest lotus blossom daughter trusted her two beloved pets to me.. a prim and proper one that acts like his heart is broken if she is even out of the room and is known to refuse to eat and drink while she is gone..  and the other that will chase the light from a flashlight all over a room for hours.. thinking he can catch it and when held is somewhat like a slinky toy..the REAL Toy Story dog.

I have spent the weekend stepping out of the shower to face to two waiting dachshunds.. . tried to eat ice cream in front of two waiting dachshunds.. almost hung myself while trying to walk two wild and crazy dachshunds around the block on two different leashes.. (PS we have 1,200 zillion bushes to investigate on my street) ... coaxed one dachshund to eat and drink while the other tried to lick my face from top to bottom trying to get the food... it is heaven..

Hey.. Dunkin .. Louie.. where is that flashlight??

from one extreme to the other..

Today I said goodbye to my friend Linda.. along with hundreds of others..caregivers.. cancer survivors.. cancer fighters all gathered in the embrace of St. Rose's Catholic Church.. an embrace much like Linda's on Saturday mornings when I would see her.. during a run.. after a walk.. at Starbucks ..warm.. welcoming.. full of spirit and determination.. If you did not have on lime green Team Wish shirt.. you were given a Team Wish bandanna to wear around your neck.. that proudly proclaimed "Walking in Spirit and Hope"..

The priest read a message to us from her husband in which he wrote that he could not understand why she would be taken from us.. so vibrant .. so young.. and that the only thing he could think of was that Linda was tired of waiting for a cure.. and decided to have a "one on one" conversation with God about that.. We all laughed.. it was the only time that I stopped crying.  I have written about finding "normal" and I thought how ironic things in our lives can be as I left the church to go to my 6 month check up with my breast surgeon..

As she asked the questions of "what vitamins are you taking?" .."any pain or trouble with movement.. problems with hardness or scaring?"... I wanted to say .."before I answer those can you tell me...how could this have happened?..  How after years and years of remission can cancer come back and kill you in 5 weeks? How was I so lucky to have made Linda's acquaintance.. and had her hugs and prayers..even for this short time?...will this happen to me??..will I have made an impact on the people in my life.. will they remember me for good or bad?.. do I look as scared as I am??

But my list of questions went away as determined Nedra found "everything perfect".. "this looks great"... "you are doing wonderfully and things are as they should be" results in my exam.. They will see me in 6 more months..

from one extreme to the other.. finding my normal..

I resolve to.....

today is a day to reflect on the previous year and set goals for the next one..or do nothing but watch football.. your choice..

Cancer has a tendency to force you to set goals that normally you would not.. daily.. but for the record I do have some resolutions for 2011..

When it hits 115 degrees I will not park in a McDonald's parking lot and flip a quarter to see if I get "heads" and can justify buying an ice cold diet coke - large!  I have given up diet coke.. I have given up diet coke..

I will not use the excuse of a double mastectomy in order to not have to vacuum the house - after January though.. we have a lot of company till then

I will stop eating sugar - once the Sees candies are gone

I will stop trying to get my son to fix all of our i pods, computers and cameras - he leaves back to DC in 3 days

I will continue to be grateful that my family and friends put up with me day after day and my weird ways

I will not change my weird ways ...

I will face fear and breath deep.. sink into the breath and find courage when everything around me seems to be not what it should be..

I resolve... Happy New Year!

my mother's gifts

if you have read my blog .. you know that my mother passed away this year unexpectedly.. her absence was even more apparent to me on Christmas Eve..

for those that do not know the story.... after many battles a compromise was made between my mother and my sweet Tim on when presents were to be opened..

for my mother... Christmas Eve was magical and that was when presents were shared.. Santa came and really strong egg nog was had.. she used rum and a lot of it in her homemade egg nog.... I guess that is why my siblings and I were all close to our teens when we... one by one....realized that there was not a Santa delivering gifts.. we were not naive.. evidently we were drunk..

Over the years it became tradition in our house that each and every Christmas Eve was reserved to open gifts from my mother.. mailed from Colorado.. wrapped individually .. and shipped in a box.. usually with packaged pop tarts and ding dongs to protect the contents..

no presents came by mail this year.. no funny gifts of Christmas vests or light up Santa hats..and for a minute or two I felt her missing.. felt that she was really gone.. then as I looked around at my children .. all here gathered in my house.. I realized that her gifts were right in front of me..

my children have a number of my mother's gifts inside them.. they are strong, courageous..my mother was a fighter.. a never give up girl from West Virginia.. my children fight to the finish for things they believe in.. passionate about what is right.. and determined to change what is wrong..they laugh at the same things with the same sense of humor.. belly laughs and giggle giggle giggling sometimes takes over and they cannot stop..they love life and each other so much.. 

many of these are my mother's traits.. and she has passed them on for me to open each and every time we are together as a family..... my mother's gifts..

Merry Christmas...