The words came tumbling out...

I had told my dear friend Michael that I had seen a brilliant blue in my minds eye while he stood at the top of my head during my Reiki experience... Michael commented that is the color of the third chakra.. my throat..my voice.. my words.. the brilliant blue so strong.. this color is still etched in the back of my mind and I can close my eyes and see it.. clearly.. Michael told me he thinks that my angels guide my voice and that my voice is strong.

I was speaking of this to another friend today.. a friend that I have shared growing into myself pains.. that helped me find myself when I was younger.. a friend with whom my path moved away for a bit during my life only to discover that our paths have again come together to fit nicely side by side.. together in the same garden.. full of children grown, grandchildren promises and a lot of lessons learned..

.....sometimes the words wake me up at night.. straining to be heard.. and painful to hold back... I must make sure that everyone understands the preciousness of being alive and enjoying every moment.. even when sad.. even when frightening... not being fearless but having courage to stay the path.. no matter what it may be.... courage comes easier each day..

We must see the gifts we have each day.. the people that come to us to heal and help and make us laugh and to help us see.. they are coming in to my life fast and furious .. women that have had the same plastic surgeon.. the same cancer.. made the same decisions.. I find myself in the same room with them.. not by accident I am sure..

This week is a week of checking off lists.. getting things together.. calming my loved ones and sinking into the breath when I find my heart starting to race.. my heart starting to palpitate .. turn this over.. my important ingredient friend Anita told me at the beginning.. turn this over..turn this over..

blue.. royal.. deep blue.. so rich and thick it seems like I can dip my finger in to it like paint.. and the words came tumbling out..

" Gather your army "..

Reiki - a method of spiritual healing.. promotes healing through life force energy.. I believe in life force energy.. it is what gives us the extra we need to survive in crisis.. to lift cars and move mountains.. and today my dear friend Michael invited me to participate in a Reiki session..
accepted....

I discovered a number of things... I CAN push the things I want to leave my body through and down and out of my body into the earth..and I CAN fill myself up with white brilliant light that starts at my head and whooooosesss through my body..lightness in my mind.. healing my spirit.

slow breathing... pushing the bad stuff out ..

deep breathing .. bringing the good stuff in..

I felt the distinct presence of my grandmother.. my protector all my life.. I remember from my childhood laying my head in her lap while she rubbed my back.. all the time continuing to talk .. safe.. protected..

Michael told me that I am surrounded by Angels and people that have gone on.. they form an army of protection.. they will make sure with God's help that the people I need will be brought into my life.. when I need them they will be there for me.. my circle of protection..

close my eyes.. breathe in good.. breathe out bad...
...........sink into the breath............ gather my army.......... ready to fight.

"Rest your head on my shoulder"

Today was a shoulder day..

You know ... people have hump day..... TGIF days..

Well today was my official shoulder day.... I rested on a few today.. the great thing about my shoulder day is that is seems to come with hugs....

... one from my boss Deb, who let me lay my head on her shoulder for a big hug..replying calmly while I sobbed 'everything seems out of control today"..it's not Mary.. it's not".. and I always believe her..

.... one included a bag with "mu mu' dresses that button up the front to wear while I recover.. heal... cry and get stronger (I LOVE THEM and plan on wearing them drinking a tropical drink this weekend) from one of "my girls" (wonderful ladies that are part of my team).

.....one was accompanied by a bath bomb shaped like a cupcake (yeah) from Angie..who carried it on a plane to keep it safe while coming back from vacation

...one jumped out at me from a funny wacky card that my dear friends "the Mikes" constantly send me to make me laugh and wonder about their sanity..

.... one from my sweet Tim who with one look at my face as I walked in the door said "come sit by me and let me hug you" and pulled my head to his shoulder while we sat for a few quiet minutes taking about my day..

"put your head on my shoulder.. whisper into my ear .. baby"

sigh.. all better

time to get real..

dates are set.. July 13th.. lists are made.. one - two nights in the hospital then home .. items marked off..

Large shirts that button up the front.. because I won't be able to put my hands over my head.. check..

Foam wedge to lay on in bed so I am able to sleep somewhat upright.. check..

Tylenal.. Tylenal.. Tylenal.. check

little step stool to get up into the car and the bed.. check..

Bras.. Bras that I can wear during reconstruction.. they have to be ordered.. it is hard to find a 38 A cup.. they don't exists.. order on line.. check..

Try to explain to husband why you do not want to just wear one and not worry about the empty cups.. check and check again..

pillow to cry hard into.. check..

"we're going to fix that"..

My plastic surgeon's name is William Leighton.. both he and his nurse (scheduler) came into the room wearing t-shirts, hiking shoes and pants.. they had been to the "camp" he said.. and came directly back to the office.. to see me..

Now...Dr. Leighton has retired once... got very bored.. and then came back to work. He works predominately on burn victims.. putting their lives back together .. .with pieces and parts..

He has worked on Jason Schechterle.. the police officer that was trapped in his burning patrol car when it was struck from behind.. and exploded.. and he works on kids..mostly kids.. he "fixes them"..

They had been to Camp Courage in Flagstaff that morning.. and they were still in "camping gear".. Dr. Leighton donates his time to "fix" kids that have been burned beyond what we think is repairable.. His nurse told me they do the other stuff to pay the bills.. but they are here for the kids.. he showed us picture after picture of children he had "fixed". . it made my cancer seem like nothing and again reminded me of the goodness of my life.

Both of them were funny and worked together like a comedy team.. they had worked together before his retirement and they were a team again.. old friends.. both committed to a causes and for the moment... to me..

Another discussion of procedures..photos of me.. up close and personal.. (during which he asked totally dazed sweet Tim..."want copies"...and handed him C cup size ball of silicone implant to play with). I was examined and poked and prodded...

"a bit droopy.." Dr. Leighton stated.. "we're going to fix that"

ok.... I am in love with my plastic surgeon... yeah.. just add him to the list of my loves.. Yoga Matt.. shiny Carol.. determined Neidra... and now never give up Leighton..

amazing how our lists of angels on earth grow and grow when we start paying attention to others instead of our selves.. those "fixers" who walk among us.. who realize that there are always someone that needs "fixed" and they are willing to do that because that is who they are.. authentic to themselves.. with tenacity and courage as Yoga Matt says..

lesson learned = look outside yourself .. there are heroes and angels around us.. making life good.. who have no doubts that "we're going to fix that"

"To B or not To B (cup)

Tomorrow is my visit to the plastic surgeon... my first visit ever (in real life lol).. now that the decision has been made.. lists to make.. ingredients for a successful recipe to put together.. what ones will make this work easily or easier.. or just plan work..

.......quite honestly ..something fun.. yes fun... the next decision is what goes where.. and what size.. needless to say Tim is excited about this part of the decision.. new breasts.. what 56 year old would not love that! A somewhat radical way to get them I admit.. not my first choice... yes I know...but I am really working on finding the silver lining in everything..

"To B or not To B.. or maybe a C"

"an excellant choice"

You know how when you go to a restaurant....

...and you are considering and considering what entree you will order.. hummm.. think ..think.. so many choices.. and you finally decide.. your waiter who has calmly waited as you reviewed all parts of each choice.. firmly states ...."an excellent choice!"

This is exactly what my Dr. Harrison stated when I told her I agreed to a double mastectomy.. there I wrote it down.. it is real.. and now to be planned. The second thing she stated after we talked and talked about my choice.. was "let me write that on your chest... oh for Pete's sake.. I mean your CHART!".. ok.. I am in love with my doctor.. I was a hold out.. but not now.. I am adding her to my yoga Mark and her shiny sister the office manager Carol....

I have made the choice.. due to my history and the fact that this cancer may be lurking.. hiding behind and below and within my other breast.. to remove the fear and reduce the chance it has from ruling my life. It really wasn't a difficult decision.. emotional now that it is actually made.. and my first born smartest in the world child helped me realize why..

You see God holds me close to him.. and has guided people to me in my life for the very reason that I will need them now.. Julia and I were talking about how amazing and fortunate I am really.. and how wondrous god is.

This last year old friends have returned from long absences, I have been surrounded by new friends with compassionate hearts that value others .. sincerely.. involved with the running club, picked up and hugged by the leaders of Team Wish (my daughter's Susan G Komen 3 day walk team) who yelled out in Starbucks.. 'WE ARE WALKING FOR YOU MARY!" and prayed for every moment of every day.. a circle of love as my friend Anita would say..

who could have a better life.. not me...."let me write that on my chest :) "