Planning birthdays and learning to breath..

I celebrate a birthday next week... Celebrating Birthdays - the new Cancer mantra ..

When I was diagnosed with my first bout of cancer.. I remember clearly driving home and talking to God.. I asked him for two more years.. just two so that I could get everything and everyone ready... myself included.. I told him.. if you give me 2 more years.. I think I can get everything ready.. and then I did not..

I mean I started....I wanted to make sure my children realized how much a part of their stepfather's life they were and I was obsessed I believe with telling them.. they had to take care of him if I left them....I came to realize what love is.. not just the fleeting kind.. but the deep, caring love that you feel for friends and family that is real, concrete, solid... but once you are diagnosed with Cancer.. sometimes you get so caught up in the fight.. the exhaustion from chemo and radiation...  you forget your tearful promises.. and need to be reminded....

2 years passed and the fear started to go away.. 3 years passed and I started to feel a calling for different goals..but not really..there was always something that had to be done or fixed.. biopsies came and went.. all clear...I mean I started but not really.. 

Then I got my reminder... that I haven't got everything ready... a reminder that if I want to keep celebrating years and birthdays... I need to keep my promises..that my life is changing and if I keep my promises.. promises will be kept to me as well..

I am getting a chance to have another birthday and constantly amazed by the people that surround me and what they can achieve each day..  I have found the light within me..learning to breath..  and I am seeing that same light in others.. It is all in the breath.. a birthday everyday.. a deep breath in.. a slow breath out.. push out the darkness and bring in the light..

Celebrating birthdays... day by day celebrations really.. learning to breath all over again.. having courage to over come fears and now to help others over come them as well.. reminder.. I need to add that to my promises.. sink into the breath... Happy Birthday to me..no candles needed.... I have my own glow and my  light is on..

Look up .. there is the goal.. stop counting the steps.. look up..

It has been a crazy week... last injection Friday, ran/walked with my running group on Saturday.. I was miserably sore and stretched.... but friendship and encouragement and challenges always make me feel better.. my running buddy Kathy sticks close by.. encouraging.. her husband along with her..

they give me little adjustments.. " .. breath in through your nose... blow out through your mouth.. purse your lips...  look up.. look up"  I have a tendency to put my head down and plow forward.. determined to get through it.. Kathy and hubby are teaching me to look at the goal.. and stop counting the steps.. you get there faster..

we make a team within a team.. Kathy, hubby and I.... one or two people.. or a group of 10... = same goals.. I love being on a team..

this week I was able to help put together some last minute teams in order to take over management of a couple communities.. and after a day of crazy challenges, old pieces of pizza late in the afternoon, cleaning, organizing...I realized that I was practicing my newly learned running techniques.. purse lips... breath in through nose ..blow out through mouth.. look up.. look up at the goal.. I noticed my work buddies helping each other run an entire different race than the one that I ran on Saturday..I realized again that it helps to look up.. to focus on the goal and not put your head down to watch your feet.. look up and see all that is around you.. laughing co workers, all working on the same team.. with the same goals.. brain storming... making things work... I love being on a team.

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.”
Bernice Johnson Reagon quotes (American Historian and Musician. b.1942)

outside of the box... step by step..stair by stair..... become yourself .. if you dare

Tonight is a night for poems and deep thoughts... another friend with a loved one fighting cancer..I am told today..  we can no longer do nothing.. if that is what we have been doing.. we must act in every way we can..... we must.. we must... it is too much to bear tonight and my love for my friends and family overwhelm me.. so lucky and blessed am I..

There are changes coming in my life.. it seems so very clear....

I know they are there.. sneaking around the corner.. coming slowly near....

I am strong and have the courage to fight my biggest fears.... come on changes.. I am right here!


one of my favorites - MY COMFORT ZONE ~ By Author Unknown

I used to have a comfort zone where I knew I wouldn't fail.

The same four walls and busywork were really more like jail.

I longed so much to do the things I'd never done before,

But stayed inside my comfort zone and paced the same old floor.


I said it didn't matter that I wasn't doing much.

I said I didn't care for things like commission checks and such.

I claimed to be so busy with the things inside the zone,

But deep inside I longed for something special of my own.


I couldn't let my life go by just watching others win.

I held my breath; I stepped outside and let the change begin.

I took a step and with new strength I'd never felt before,

I kissed my comfort zone goodbye and closed and locked the door.



If you're in a comfort zone, afraid to venture out,

Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt.

A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true.

Reach for your future with a smile; success is there for you!
 
 
Outside of your box.. step by step .. stair by stair.. become yourself.. if you dare.

"are this a little high??" and other areas of concern..

My boobs are too high..

yep..yep... they are.. I have one more trip to "never give up" Leighton for 80 ccs more of sloshing saline solution and I am at my 500 ccs.. which is where I want to be. I feel like I have golf balls in my arm pits, my "port has moved", I am cranky, my shoulders hurt..blah blah blah...and I am stretched from my collar bone to my arm pits to my rib cage..

For those are wondering if I will have to be a survivor with breasts up to my throat...not true.. I am stretching and growing new skin...making room under my chest wall muscle... I have been assured that although not to my knees as most woman my age.. my new boobies will be reasonably placed and not at my neck..

...the best part of the week my taking chocolate cappuccino cupcakes to the doctors office and getting emails from the entire staff including Leighton with descriptions that they were the best they had ever had.. reminder.. that is how I want my boobies... the best I have ever had.

Such silly things to worry about.. I am cancer free today.. I am cancer free today.. but so many are not and the fight continues.. adding warriors every day.. EVERY DAY..

This last week I became aware that 3 wonderful women that I am associated with.. fellow survivors as well as first time fighters have cancer.. 3 wonderful women...


no family history = stage 3, double mastectomy with chemo and radiation...

cervical cancer = a young mother having to make decisions no one should make..

a survivor = with returning cancer that may be in bone..


..and I complain and am cranky....and feel guilty because I am so blessed ...and so lucky and so here.. my boobs could be on my head.. and I am still here.. not vomiting from chemo, not burning from radiation, not trying to explain to young children that I have cancer...

Yep my boobs are too high and I am cancer free today...

a lesson on how to survive and running buddies..

Many of you know ....if you are a face book buddy or a good friend that I belong to a run/walk group here in Anthem called the Cupcake Runners..  started by a few gals (the bakers) that decided they were going to be runners.. complete not compete . and turned loose every Saturday morning women (and some men) of all shapes and sizes with one thing in common.. to show "they could do it".. no matter if it were a block, from one light pole to the next, walk run walk run..

.....because of their support I ran the Emma's Run 5K.. me ..me ...who never thought of herself as a runner.. ran a 5K.. and through them .. the cupcakes... I was introduced to Irma..

Irma doesn't know about that day because I was blocks behind her on a Saturday morning.....

We were running the relay route and one of the "bakers" from the cupcake group slowed down and ran with me to encourage me...

"keep going Mary... 60 more seconds.. you can do anything for a minute'" she said.. I not only did not believe her at that minute..but really for a moment thought.. "I 'm not sure if I like this at all.. someone running next to me.. making me not give up..".. then she said this.. "See the girl ahead of us?".. "yes, I replied"... "That's Irma...She has breast cancer and she ran the 1/2 PF Chang after her surgery..two weeks Mary.. after her surgery".. "really?? I replied... "Yep she said.. really... you know Mary.. you can do anything for 60 seconds.. just go 60 seconds more".. "ok.. sixty seconds more.. ok." 

and I did it.. I did it because of Irma.. We meet for real at the 2010 Cancer Relay for Life event.. as survivors we joined the cupcake team to raise money to fight cancer... walked the track together as survivors... and have become friends with much in common..we have found that spiritually we are very alike.. we laugh a lot... and we both are blessed by a loving support group, friends and family.. ...she is my "meet at Starbucks Green Tea" buddy.  She probably doesn't know I ran Emma's Run 5K because of her..  

I am sharing an article with you about Irma.. my Green Tea buddy, one of my blessings and how she turned to her running group "the cupcakes" for support.. not knowing that was exactly what she was giving to someone a few blocks behind her.. 'sixty seconds more".. is going to add  up to a lifetime of never giving up.. enjoying life... and a thank you to Irma..

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fsharing.mayoclinic.org%2F2010%2F08%2F24%2Firma-p-far-fro&h=1d45f  

celebrating birthdays... and other wonderful events

Today is my sweet Tim's birthday.. I am blessed to be here to spend it with him...that is the Relay for Life motto I think.. Celebrating More Birthdays ....as we survive...

.. . I found a birthday card with a picture that said so much about who we are ...Tim and I.. many of you know him as the quiet tall guy in the background.. always ready to catch what falls over or off..  but this photo on the front of this card.. you know the saying "a photo is worth a thousand words.".

On the front of the card is a photo of two children ...about 9 years old.. a boy and girl.. the boy holding on to the hand of the girl and dragging and pulling her behind him as he jumps in and out of waves rolling up to the beach that they are walking on..she has on a straw hat and is laughing looking at the camera .. and you know she is thinking.. "Oh my gosh..  he never stops!" ... but she keeps holding on to his hand as he drags her in and out of the water as it rolls up to the beach.. He is totally engaged in the fun of it and is pretty sure that she is getting soaked... but he knows that she won't let go.. of his hand.. ever..and he will hold on.. to catch the things that fall over or fall off..

She knows that if he weren't pulling her through the water along the edge of the beach, he would be trying to teach her to body surf on a lime green raft or yelling in her ear "this is the best present you have ever given me" as they are dragged across the desert in a hot air balloon or lifted up and set down wearing waders that went up to her neck ..in a straw hat .. in a river in Montana to fly fish with him...

....always holding her hand..never letting go.. and she holds on..thinking "Oh my gosh..he never stops"  laughing ... he doesn't have to look back.. he knows she will hold on and they will celebrate more birthdays....he got it..the card and what it meant.. my sweet Tim always ready to catch what falls over or off.. he got it..

slightly imperfect...

I am black and blue and bruised.. the next few weeks are the worst I am told.. 3 more visits.. 3 more.. I brought cupcakes with me this time.. coconut ones with cherry fillings and little cherries on the tops.. like slightly imperfect boobies.. a reminder to my doctor of what mine need to look like when he is done.. slightly imperfects.. rounded out with icing.. small flaws hidden with coconut and cherry topping..

Slightly imperfect like me.. .. but that is ok.. I am starting to round out..

The spasms start now as soon as the needle goes in and they had trouble finding the port on the right side.. it has moved.. "great!... the one thing on my body that I counted on to stay in place decided to move closer to my underarm....."butt..moved... waist .moved.. knee caps.. decidedly wrinkled.. and hey are they lower.?"   ... poke and prod and push.. "aha.. here it is.."  too late.. tears..  no sleep..no walking early Saturday morning.. so about noon.... I started doing what I do best.
I baked..

cupcakes for a baby shower with a cake topper.. rich chocolate cupcakes.. even when I am sore and tired and cranky.. cooking soothes me.. maybe it is the rhythm of mixing and tasting and watching cupcakes raise.. cakes puff up and round out.. icing swirls on in beautiful colors.. 

I feel at home when I cook and bake.. I have blown cupcakes up in the over and sank them like cement by shutting an oven door too hard.... they can always be used.. as a layer for tiramisu.. with a sprinkling of chocolate fudge and zablaiogne creme.. there is a use for everything.. even slightly imperfect.... add one or two things and it becomes perfection...

I wonder more and more what my "use " should be.. I am meant for things.. but what?  How do I find the answer.. what things must I add to round out and puff up the slightly imperfect me?  time will tell....

I am thinking more and more about my yoga class with musical voiced Mark.. and his steady insistence that we are not fearless but can push ourselves and our limits.......... with courage.. " answers always come..be patient"  as my boss once told me.. Do I have the courage to hear them..