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RedefinedMe2You

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endings and beginnings..

it makes sense to me on the last day of the year that I would write my last note on Radiated Cupcakes.. it is time for a change.. and for me to go in a different direction.. I am at the fork in the road..looking to see which path I need to take.. all I know.. all I feel ..is that it is a different path from the one I have been on.  I am stronger than ever.. more determined than before to make a difference each and every day..

this year has been full of ups and downs.. favorite things and disappointments.. in looking back over the year.. my friends and family seem to have taken the spotlight.. pushing away from my mind the constant worry of cancer and stomping down the fear of it returning...there are things that stand out in my mind as I reminisce over this last year..

my friend Anita... one of the best ingredients in my recipe of life ..is moving on to different things due to downsizing at my work and even though I know this is an open door for her to be in a place that acknowledges her for who she is.. I do not know how I will manage without her by my side .. day in and day out.. her gift to me was that I learned to accept who I was.. she helped me understand that trying to do better and change for the better is not being defeated or giving up.. it is actually winning....

my wonderful cousin by marriage GianFranco.. who was "strong like Popeye"  even though he lost his short battle against cancer this year..I think every day of the gift of meeting him this year in Italy.. spending time with his family and learning a bit more about the story of the two brothers.. one that stayed in Italy and one that risked everything by coming to America..I come from a long line of risk takers.. strong stock..

my cupcake runner friends that encourage me to run....or walk ..or just come have coffee.. I realize that I really want to fly like the wind.. even if that is just under a 16  min mile.. and be cheered over a finish line..they have made me believe that all things can be done.. all you need are colorful socks, a St. Anthony medal and maybe a tutu...

I spent this year watching my two lotus blossom daughters come together and walk 60 miles to fight cancer with their brother being the fundraising CEO to help them hit their targets.. they all have their own journeys but share with me a passion to be something more..

and Sweet Tim who is always by my side.. letting me know we can get through anything together and that we will have years more to share. 

as this year comes to an end .. so does this blog... I wish for you a new beginning.. each and every day we get a chance to start over.. do something new.. take your chance.. take a risk..

I Wish You... by Anonymous

I wish you bright mornings and warm, sunny days,
Soft shade to cool you from sweltering rays,
Raindrops, a few, from some cloud floating by,
Rainbows thereafter to color your sky.

M

my mother's gifts...

this will be the second Christmas that my mother celebrates in Heaven.. I am sure by now she is running the place.. making crosses with the Palm Sunday Palms that everyone has displayed on their cloud appropriately.. she probably has hostess cupcakes hidden every where and surely is eating sour cream on everything she can..

my beautiful dark haired West Virgina girl has been sending me hints this week that she plans on celebrating with us this year..and has starting sending gifts for me to open..

the first gift ... the #1 child born .. better know by my mother as "sweet pea"...has decided to carry on the tradition of gag gifts opened on Christmas Eve.. you have to live through the hilarity of opening a box with blow up clown feet, Holiday vests and crazy tshirts to appreciate this Christmas Eve ritual.. names were drawn this week.. and we all have a gift to purchase..

after years of my mother sending fake letters from the Pope, Santa, The Mafia and I think one year... Neil Diamond... to get my husband to open presents on Christmas Eve.. we settled into ripping open mailed boxes that were packed with Pop Tarts and Ding Dong Cakes that cushioned the precious cargo.. my children grew to love this and that memory of her will be with us forever because of this new but same tradition.

the second gift.. at an ornament exchange this week, I met a woman that loved Christmas trees.. she had tons.. in every room.. and collected ornaments.. just like my mother.. we chatted about how there is always room for one more shiny ball.. or feathered plume .. nestled deep in green branches.. my mother loved those kinds of trees... I will have to go out now and find one more ornament..to tuck away for her in the branches of our tree..

the third gift.. movies are being shown that she loved.. at the gym I noticed that instead of disturbing news or sports or stocks on a television a few pieces of equipment down.. a movie.. "Christmas in Connecticut" .. one of my mother's favorites.. it took me a bit by surprise..no one watches movies at the gym.. but I found myself peering down the way.. a few pieces of equipment down the row.. and watched.. and lived for a moment... times with my mother when she would stop everything and talk me into watching one of "those movies"... even though I complained at the time.. I love those movies now..

there are a few days left.. Christmas will be here soon.. celebrated with my mother's gifts...

Merry Christmas Mom..

believe..

everyone has their journey.. it is often easy to lose ourselves in our own efforts to find our way and to not pay attention to others as they wander to their destination.. hopefully we will realize a blessing when someone waves for our attention because they need a bit of help.. it is so much easier to climb a path with someone.. giving a hand up.. or a firm push..  and accepting one in the rough spots... when you are done you turn around and wave.. and start off in a new direction...because you are ready ...you believe in what is ahead..

a blessing came my way recently in the form of a family friend.. a young man that we watched grow from child to young adult.. after many years of different paths.. he has been embraced back to us.. he was a ball player in his youth.. good at every sport.. in my minds eye I always see him in the front yard of his house.. tossing a football or baseball to someone..

I learned a lot about the goodness of people from his parents ...his grandmother taught me that to really read your fortune with cards.. you had "to have a shot first".. I learned to stuff artichokes, make sauce.. hold hands around a temporary table in the basement laden down with tons of food.. my youngest lotus blossom carries his mother's middle name as her own and they made my path easier and fun....

the ball player learned a lot of things from his parents and grandparents as well.. to respect and love them.. to care for them as they grew older.. to do the right thing.. he was blessed that his father had clarity enough before he passed to look him in the eye and tell him what a good son he was....  he cares for his mother in the same loving way.. he knows that her time is short and she misses her one true love .. she is ready.. she believes..

he called recently.. to reach out...for a hand up.. going through a rough spot realizing his mother is coming to the end of her journey.. so  I shared a story of my first born's beginning day at school.. she was full of excitement.. and did not hesitate to get out of the car.. we had helped her prepare for this day.. we told her to trust in her journey.. do not fear the unknown... wonderful things were in front of her.. and she believed..

when she got out of the car.. she walked away.. no tears.. no hesitation.. she knew that this was the start of something great.. at the last minute.. she turned.. smiled and waved.. then she was gone.. I felt such relief..and even though her brother and I were sobbing as we left for home... for that moment I knew that I had done the right thing.. that she was prepared.. that there were going to be rough times.. and wonderful times.. but most of all that I had seen her turn around and wave...she believed...

the beginning of life and the end of life are often the same.. if we have done our job.. no hesitation.. no fear.. they believe in what is ahead... and if we believe as well.. we see them turn and wave goodbye..

in a moment

if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you will become a Relayer..

...it is that simple.. I walk a track every year and have for 5 years to raise money to fight cancer.. I became a Relayer because of one moment.. a second actually 5 years ago.. walking a track with other survivors.. at my first Relay For Life.

the first relay was short for me.. not a relay at all.. I cannot remember how I ended up at the local high school.. walking a survivor lap.. with people that I did not know.. in a blur of not sure what I was doing and why I was doing it.. looking around and seeing others with cancer.. but I did not feel anything.. not a connection at all.. I was there because I did not know where else to go and someone had invited me..

I think it was by invite..via an email.. or maybe it was a phone call.... that time for me is fuzzy.. . I have trouble remembering details..  I know now that cancer patients are kept track of and somehow I got an invite.. to celebrate more birthdays.. to celebrate my survival against all odds.. just a lap is all.. OK maybe two.. the first yourself.. the second your loved ones... then it seems the world flows on to the track to walk the third... and Relay begins.

I have told this story before I know.. of overwhelming emotion as I took step after step.. I had no direction.. so I followed.. followed the crowd.. the leaders.. you find that you chat with others on that lap..with others around you .. you chat to rid yourself  of the fear of others knowing..you have cancer.. there.. it is OUT.. it is IN THE OPEN...  you don't know what you are doing.. you are not sure why you are there.. but you  follow the crowd.. and the tears are in your throat almost ready to come out..and you walk..

if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you walk next to another woman named Mary.. you chat and tell each other your story.. short.. no details.. and if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. the woman will tell you that "you are walking next to Hope".. because she is a survivor.. for multiple years.. not days.. not months.. not years.. and she walks..

you listen to her.. and start to look around.. you see every ones faces lifted up.. for all to see.. tears and laughter and hope shines through.. how silly not to see it right away.. but in a moment .. it is clear to see..  and you connect... to something so much bigger than a cell out of control.. so much more wondrous than you can imagine.. and the relief flows through you like a ray of light.. and tears are finally released... and you will remember that moment forever.. and how that moment tells you.. you will be there the next year.. and the next year..

...just in case someone needs to walk next to Hope.

OnStar and the journey

Each journey starts and finishes.. and there are many many that we take through out our lives.. some people think it is one journey but we change so much with each curve in the road and hill we trudge up.. I just don't think that we really are the same people at the beginning.. the middle and the end?  I don't think so.. we learn and grow with each wonderful event as well as each heart breaking set back.. and we develop tools to use for each journey that we take.. I wish there was a way I could use just use OnStar..

For those of you that do not know (from all of the commercials) OnStar is a navigating system.. simple.. quick.. you just press the blue button and a person starts talking to you through the radio speakers.. asking you how you are and how they can assist you.... a person that talks through the radio when you press the blue button.. I was blessed with him and or her when I purchased my new car.. free trail offer.. this is exceptionally good for me because I get lost in a grocery store.. all my friends know it.. I have no sense of direction and only knew where I was growing up because of the huge mountain that was west of where I lived..

So far the little blue button has helped me find a number of things when I have "gone too far" as I am always saying . "do you think I have gone too far?" is a statement more than a question and all of my friends have heard it more than once..  Now I never need to ask that again.. I just press the little blue button and some one is kind enough not to laugh that I am lost again.. and downloads instructions that steer me in the correct direction..

Like today for Mayo Clinic.. where I am starting a new journey.. even though the building is huge and has a sky high sign that tells everyone the name.... I felt the need today to tell the him and or her that answered my blue button call the address of my new Gynecological Oncologist..  He was determined to be necessary after my new primary physician... whose name I cannot pronounce (and will be further referenced as Dr. Wy)... spoke to me about the rareness of my first cancer and the need for better follow up than I was getting.. just to make sure.. a better look.. and there it was sneaking around in my mind.. so I decided to let the him and or her give me the directions.. hoping that somehow I would end up at a  Dairy Queen or somewhere else.. away from the old fear that will not completely go away..

It stayed with me today as my directions were downloaded and I headed towards the building that I always see from the freeway that I take to my home.. it made me almost cry when reviewing my medical history with a smaller version of Fonzie with an accent of some kind.. I kept thinking this needs to be a giggle moment.. but none came out.. some dysplasia noted tucked away where it could barely be seen.. but he found it..

"Not to worry" he said.. and I felt the fear start up my spine.. "better safe than sorry...we will check it out.. no signs of cancer but we want to look a bit closer at this one area.. don't worry.. a little laser if need be and done".. Dr. Fonzie with the accent shook my hand and said.. "you know it is good that you have more follow up"..he said with smile..

So back to the car... press the blue button.. I am going to need assistance....I am looking for the directions to cancer free.

I think I am Lois Lane ..and why she is a Super Hero..

So I think I am Lois Lane.. I had to pick a Super Hero that I wanted to be in order to have a Relay For Life alias and I immediately picked Lois Lane..  I am on the committee this year and working with other Heros of Hope to put together a night of magic.. in which survivors and caregivers are welcomed and celebrated.. I have written before about Relay and how I found my footing on the track with my teammates of life.. I trust them.. listen to those teammates.. but there is a problem with them lately.. ..no one thinks Lois is a Super Hero..

Lois was a tough reporter...and in my mind.. if she had not discovered all of those stories in the first place.. Clark Kent / Superman would have just been hanging around adjusting his tights.. I don't think of her as a victim at all.. she was a writer.. I am a writer.. she leaps before thinking.. I am constantly doing that.. she is analytical and often reads things into situations that may be a bit over the top.. soooo me.. She loves life and adventure and there would not BE a Superman without Lois.. they are one.. Because of her the world was rotated backwards and Superman saved everyone.. she is the reason he is Superman..

I was very much Lois earlier this week when I had my first well check up in years.. yes a well check up.. that means nothing is wrong of much importance.. you get blood work done, knees tapped..."open wide.. say aaaaahhhhhh"... follow the light with my eyes..  the Lois in me had a list of questions.. it was an interview of sorts.  No I did not have my pencil behind my ear.. but I did carry my note pad ready to jot down each fact as it came out in the investigation..

Even though I appreciate all they have done and the efforts they have made to save my life.. I have always considered my doctors a bit of  "the Villains".. I think from the beginning there is going to be a snip or a poke or a machine circling around me to tell me things I do not want to hear.. only a Villain would tell you "if you are going to have cancer.. this is the best kind".. right?

So I was a bit thrown off when Wonder Woman walked into the room.. tall, dark haired and wait... yep she has on the bracelets..  I told her about my fatigue and after taking the "9 point test for depression" she realized my problem was not depression but too many Oreos and put me on a "watch everything you put in your mouth " calorie diet.. "it doesn't matter how many miles you go Mary.. it is the calories" she said.. I immediately think.. Could this be Lex Luther in disguise?..

As the visit went on I realized that she was in fact one of the good guys.. easy to talk to.. funny and smart.. it became clear that it going to be hard to argue with Wonder Woman.. even if you are Lois Lane..

Where is that Superman when you need him.. someone is going to have to hide the Oreos!

strong like Popeye

Gianfranco did the Popeye pose.. arms up.. showing his muscles as he told me.. "Don't worry.. I am strong like Popeye'.. this comment coming after telling me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer..


Our visit to Italy this last year to visit family living in an ancient city just outside of Rome started with the revelation that even in this beautiful land.. cancer still surrounded me. The next few days were a whirl of churches, wonderful food and loving people.. all with the haziness of foreboding that these were to be our last memories of a long lean Italian with a wonderful sense of humor..

Gianfranco, the husband of my cousin Mara, lost his battle this last week against cancer.. at the same time I was listening to inspirational stories about survivors at a Relay for Life Summit.. Gianfranco took his last breath surrounded by his wife, son and daughter whom it was very clear in a two day visit that he adored..and they adored him..

When you are surrounded by survivors.. you forget.. even if for a minute, an hour or a day.. that people do not survive.. there are some that pass on surrounded by love and people whose hearts are broken.

As Mara, my cousin, said in her email.. " I thank you for the prayers but they aren't be enough for holding back him with us, however follow to pray for him and for us that are lost without him"..

My heart is broken over and over as I lose strong and determined friends and family.. but I think I will try to "be strong like Popeye".. make the muscle arm.. and remember Gianfranco in my heart forever..

it's only Tuesday and the basil is dead..

Today I had to be told it was only Tuesday even though I could SWEAR it was Wednesday... and then to top the day off...I realized the basil plant outside my door had succumbed to the 110 plus degree heat.. and .. OK.. lack of water..  this leads me to believe .. I need to slow down..

I became a farmer this year.. yes .. I planted crops in pots all over the place.. strawberry plants.. (dead).. tomato plants.. (lived long enough to harvest two very tough tiny tomatoes)... and basil.. green .. wonderful.. fragrant basil.. or as my friend Marie at work says... "Italian Marijuana".. because it is addictive.. washed, rolled and chopped into long slivers .. added to red sauce or toasted pine nuts, garlic and olive oil...sigh.. it's dead.. from heat, lack of water and a too busy schedule..

I am grateful every day that I continue to be cancer free.. that my sweet Tim never forgets to kiss me good night.... for my lessons learned and the new recipes of life to try.. but when an Italian's basil plant dies.. it is a sign to slow down..

I have added lots to my plate other than tough tomatoes and green fragrant basil.. budgets at work.. new employees, Relay for Life 2012..working out and trying to be a real runner..  I want to be a thriver not just a survivor.. but my basil died.. I want to stop eating sugar, drink more tea, eat healthier foods, get plenty of rest, exercise exercise ... but I have realized today.. I want most of all to remember what day it is..

...... and to water my basil..

the deal maker...

I am remembering asking for 2 more years.. 5 years ago.. making a deal.. asking for more time.. I figured I could get ready if I had 2 more years.. I said it out loud.. in my car .. driving home.. I need ..hummm.. 2 more.. you HAVE to give me 2 more... and as the 2 years went by.. turning into 3.. nudging up to 4.. I forgot that I made promises.. made deals... until the second knock on my door.. cancer again..it brought me back.. to the day in my car.. when I promised I would get ready if I could get 2 more years..

I know that I pushed from my mind with each birthday that went by.. the deal I made a lifetime ago..  the promises ..because you are never ready.. not really.. but I was willing to negotiate again.. the deal this time had to be different.. I figured if I could get ready if I just had a lifetime.. yes.. a lifetime..  to grow old with my loved ones.. to really try to run... to never forget to say I love you to my husband.. to always kiss my children.. to make all of the arrangements that everyone must.. cancer or no cancer..

So I've tried to get ready.. .. to live with an open mind.. to appreciate every minute... and take care of details..... this year I planned my funeral.. picked out where I want to float over the earth to the ground... and I had to think of what I would say to summarize a life.. at the end of a life?.. so as I get ready to celebrate another birthday I thought I would share with you my summary.. 

She died of natural causes at a very old age and she never really believed she aged past the moment she met her sweet Tim...

She not only loved her family each and every day she was amazed by them and they knew it..

She took up the cause to fight a dreaded disease with her most important hope being to lead fellow fighters into the light.. the light of knowledge, strength and courage..

She loved to cook.. and spent her last years .. eating ANYTHING she wanted.. including ice cream (EVERY DAY)..

Her life changed when she stopped asking God for things.. and started thanking him for moments..

She died of natural causes at a very old age and she was VERY good at making deals..

yep.. this is a good deal..

the candle

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I should think what it means to hold this fragile light

Should I walk a lap or maybe two and memorize the names

Of all the loved ones whose lives won’t ever be the same

Before I light this candle and protect it from the wind

Should I read the stories of what was and what has been

Before I light this candle and read the sad goodbyes

Should I promise that I will always cry

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I have to promise you that I will always fight

Relay 2012

it is time.. the journey to normal

it is time.. time to recognize what the new normal has become..my entire year has been finding my normal.. and realizing suddenly recently.. that seeking.. learning.. growing every moment has become my normal now..it is just like trying new recipes.. some work.. some don't .. the favorites you tuck away to bring out again when you need them..

it is time..time to realize that I find normal every day.. with new habits.. learned things.. great friends .. overcoming fear.. I have overcome fear.. it is normal for me to push it down and conquer it..

I am starting to recognize myself again.. me.. only different..I feel stronger.. wiser.. and more unwilling to give up.  I am here for a purpose.. a destiny.. a life.. I am looking in the mirror and it is coming in to focus..

it is time.. time to understand that the journey continues.. it doesn't end.. what is normal today will change tomorrow and it is exciting.. fulfilling and hopeful.. the recipe changes with a new spice here.. and wonderful found flavor there..

it is time.. time to celebrate there is no end to the journey.. and that feels wonderfully normal

the one minute rewards..

we are gearing up.. for 5Ks and longer runs.. my Saturday friends.. the cupcakes.. the runners.  I am more of a walker than a runner.. I always do the 2 miles and often am waiting at the end for the longer runs to finish..

I watch them come up the hill and have learned to recognize their strides.. fast and floating.. one seems to skim over the ground.. another is bouncy and light...so light on her feet that she seems like she is bouncing her way up the hill.. like an adorable Tigger.. but with running shoes..

you learn a lot from a group of women.. especially if they are runners and you share Saturday coffee at Starbucks.... they train each other.. really it is nurturing and not training.. I always try to listen to the messages around me when I am with them..

"you will feel wonderful when you finish the half.. you can do it and you will always remember it"... (dream big and always look for the finish)..

"run and then walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. walk for a minute" ..(take a minute for yourself when things are crazy hectic.. even if just to catch your breath)..

"test the gummie things before a race... they might not agree with you and then it's too late".. (have a plan and be prepared...you might have to throw up!)..

my one minute rewards this year have not come from walking between runs.. but rather runners themselves..making their way across the finish line.. cheering each other on.. sipping coffee and laughing around a table that should only fit 4 but accommodates 10 if need be..

so don't forget .. walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. for one wonderful minute

I'm Julie Andrews...

There is a part in the move "The Sound of Music" were Julie Andrews is singing atop a beautiful mountain...  her arms flung open.... singing about the hills being alive.. she can't help it.. her heart is so full and she feels the beauty of everything around her.... today I am Julie Andrews... but instead of a mountain I am laying back at the end of my checkup.. waiting for my doctor to say those dreaded words I have heard over and over this last 5 years.. "I think we need to biopsy this one little area"....

"Things look great Mary".. the eagle eyed Patricia said.. "REALLY?".. I had to prop myself up on my elbows and look at her... make eye contact.. after all she was the one that found it first.. where it never should have been.. unexpected and almost missed.. except for eagle eyed Patricia.."REALLY??"
"See you in 6 months" she said with a very big smile.. "REALLY??"

I know that I can spin around on this thing.. with my arms flung open.. singing about the feeling of being alive and the beauty of everything around me.. I might look a bit silly but after chemo and radiation and all the things that come with it.. silly isn't bad. 

You can call me "Ms. Andrews"..

always rainbows

my son is driving in a truck today.. taking a trip from Nashville TN back to Washington DC with his darling girlfriend's items.. I always think of her as the Princess in Tangled.. not that she is stuck in a tower in any way.. but every time I see that movie ( it is a favorite) and watch the Princess using that long long hair to swing over the green grass.. touching her tippy toes down to experience something for the first time.. and then yelling with joy .. it always reminds me of her..

this week she was facing the unknown, tippy toe at a time, moving from Nashville to Washington when her grandmother passed..Tony had gone down to collect things and attend the services and on his drive back we talked about remembrances and things that he felt were moving during the services.. and we talked about signs..

I am a big believer in signs..

when birds fly close I always think of my own grandmother.. maybe because she set me free... always there to give hope and guidance, love, hugs and assurance... she allowed me to soar when I had no wings.. so now when I see the swooping and graceful turns of birds.. I think of it as her message to me.. to glide with the wind.. fly up as high as you can go.. then lay back and let the air carry you to your destination..

My son and I talked about how he was so touched by the eulogy and how he thought it was such a great idea for us to journal so that our loved ones would be able to share memories and stories about our life after we are gone.. so often important messages come across in stories.. ones that we are unable to see when our loved ones are here.. I mentioned that I thought often about my mother's passing and how it was so abrupt.. I did not think she was ready and I worried that she felt lost.. when he said "there is a rainbow here mom... and it is not even raining."  

I am a big believer in signs

I know she has found her way.. as we all will.. and that gives me the courage to fly..

no matter where you sneak

no flowers.. no jewelry.. no dinners or wine.. one year ago tomorrow, I made the decision to remove faulty parts.. cut out evilness and put myself in God's hands again.  I will celebrate my 1 year mastectomy surgery anniversary tomorrow with a workout, green tea, stubbornness and strength..

stronger on my mind is my 5 year anniversary of the first cancer.. the first one found by an eagle eyed doctor... that 5 year mark that everyone talks about and I have found means nothing.. I know too many that have gone past the 5 year, the 6 year, the 10 year.. only to fight again.. but the mark looms in the my future this year.. that anniversary is in November and even though I say it means nothing.. it seems to mean everything instead.

a Saturday conversation with a sweet running friend brought up an "inside my head conversation" that I go over and over each time I hear of someone with cancer.. she had experienced with a friend in college that friend's fight against cancer.. and when a child of hers was sick recently.. some of those memories swirled around in her head.. familiar symptoms.. making her stomach tight with an empty feeling I am sure.. until she knew for sure it was nothing.. nothing more than a childhood illness.. but memories were brought back.  She said she thought of me and other cancer survivors ... how the memories must always be tip toeing around.. in the back of our minds..

a very perceptive statement  .. something will trigger a memory ..it could be a smell or an ache that starts heart pounding feelings and all of a sudden .. you feel it tip toeing around your mind... not up front.. but lurking.. sneaking up ..

there is a game that I recall playing as a child.... where you have a mallet and you stand in front of the game machine..waiting ..watching for plastic heads to pop up and you smack them down as hard as you can.. beware things that tip toe around my brain.. I am very very good at that game..


The anniversaries.. they come and go

I count the days one by one you know
I celebrate the breath of life
And fight to keep in warm sunlight
You cannot hurt me.. you are weak
I will live my life no matter where you sneak
One more year.. I am cancer free
Thank you god for what you have given me

Happy Anniversary to me... <3

from the inside out...

today I attended a team building seminar that included some building blocks of how to do "the work" ..  to help us be happier... more productive... better communicators..  I have been working on how to do "the work" for a while ...especially this last year....

one sentence in the literature we were given stood out...not bold letters, underlined or really big font... but my eye settled on it right away... "work from the inside to the outside"..

one of the things I am finding in common with other cancer survivors.. the ones that Thrive.. not just Survive.. is that we are working from the inside.. we change our priorities.. we set new standards.. we forgive .. love harder... share more of ourselves (sometimes more than people want us to).. and turn ourselves inside out in our journey to leave a legacy..

the best thing ..from my point of view... about from the inside out.. is that there is immediate effects..pleasure.. profound appreciation.. it is not something you have to make a plan for other than to start.. you can choose one minute to find gratitude in something from your day.. one second to be flexible or offer service.. a glimmer of time to tell someone you love them.. hug them ..

it is not a goal that you have to work up to... even thinking about it is a start.. shining up the insides.. glowing through all the hurt, pain, scary things that we deal with.. it is hope that ends up shining through.. from the inside out.. it is hope..

start at 100 lbs ...

this last week I attended The Susan G Komen Survivor Education and Empowerment Conference with a fellow breast cancer survivor.. I was ready.. I need empowerment.. and I came away with one statement that I keep going over and over in my mind... if you are 5ft... start at 100 lbs..

the conference was full of information, stories shared and wonderful viewpoints..

Anne of  The Wellness Center here in Phoenix told her story of change, taking charge and trying to find her way to normal.. while her husband wanted to prepare for the future and a rainy day.. she wanted to experience life to the fullest and never miss a moment.. at odds with each other it took 23 years of survivor ship to meet lovingly in the middle.. I found myself nodding at words she used to describe her journey..those are my words.. we are the same in so many ways..

Donald of Mayo Clinic told us about wonderful trials and treatment changes that have resulted from research...the fact that he looked like Fonzie from Happy Days..only with gray hair and a sports jacket instead of leather.. just made us all lean forward and listen to his confident words.. any moment I was waiting for him to walk over to a juke box.. hit it somewhere in the middle and music would come spilling out across the auditorium..

and then came Barbara of Cancer Treatment Centers of America with her list of cancer fighting foods, the importance of eating not just "well".. but "right" and how you start at 100 lbs..being over weight is not something you want to be if you are fighting cancer.. fat holds things ..like cancer causing estrogen .. and you need to make that go away..  if you are 5 ft.. you start at 100 lbs.. and for every inch more of you.. add 5lbs..

that makes my goal 115 lbs... really.. ok wait... really...  if I start at 5 ft .. and I add 5 lbs for each of my 3 inches = 115 lbs.   Considering my purse on grocery day weighs that .. and I have not since I was 14 yrs old.. I felt a bit discouraged.. starting at 100 lbs..

In the end.. I did feel empowered.. I felt confident.. I realized I cannot do everything today.. this minute.. in a breath.. I don't have to return to normal today or tomorrow... I can sigh and lean forward to listen to the Fonz talk about medications and new research that tells us they work.. and I don't have to start at 100 lbs today... I have to just start... so.. as I sit here eating my no sugar added fudge pop...I am determined to keep doing the 2 miles 4 times a week, eat my veggies.. continue to envy people that drink diet coke.. sink into the breath and NEVER GIVE UP... oh and make a  mental note to empty that heavy purse out...

the needle guy at Melonhead...

My journey never stops.. it moves and flows .. sometimes crazy.. sometimes slow.. and if you are lucky..lucky like me.. here and there you receive special gifts... I have received a  present.. ..  remarkable Jose... my friends The Mikes brought him to me..

The Mikes are a moving part of a wonderful thing called the Melonhead Foundation.  This is place of nurturing for families of children with cancer.. and for others that need healing..like me..  My sweet Tim and I are lucky.. we have insurance.. we make a living that has enabled us to pay for the cost of fighting cancer.. I was an adult when I was diagnosed...  not a child.. not a parent of a child that had to leave their job to cradle their babies fighting to stay alive.. not a parent of a child that did not know where the money was going to come from to pay electric bills, rent or buy gas to get to treatments.. At Melonhead they help those parents and children..They do wonderful things at Melonhead ..  including bringing me the remarkable Jose..

Jose is a needle guy.. acupuncture is a wonderful thing... a new thing for me.. and ..ok I am going to share this ... it makes me ping..

For those of you that have never pinged... it is when you feel like all of the neutrons in your body are zapping back and forth.. like a pin ball machine.. remarkable Jose walks around you...putting a needle here... a needle there..  and before you know it.. you fill balanced, relaxed and energized at the same time.. and you ping..

to the needle guy at Melonhead.. thanks

http://www.melonhead.org/   

mother's day messages...

this weekend, some friends and I visited another Relay for Life.. our local Relay had been cut short.. wind blowing tents, chairs and luminaries everywhere.. although satisfying in many ways.. many of us felt
the night was unfinished and rushed... halfway through the night we had to breakdown, pack up, give up against the wind and the dust.. so this weekend.. heading into Mother's day.. we thought to visit one more..

one of the stories told at our Relay by a young son of a survivor talked about how he and his mother visited many relays.. they always picked a name from among the white decorated glowing bags and walked a lap for that person.. the story touched me in so many ways.. we often think only of ourselves.. we are so focused on the fight that we don't take the time to pray for others.. walk for others.. so heading into Mother's day some of my team mates and I piled into a car and made our way to walk more laps..

there was no wind.. it was very calm.. and as we got there...luminaries lined the track as well as spelled out HOPE on the bleachers.. no wind.. just beautiful clear skies full of stars.. looking down on the hundreds of people..walking .. so we began to look.. to pick out the person we were going to walk for.. and we started reading.. not just names but messages.. written in crayon, magic marker..pasted flowers, heart felt words and designs...  to moms..

"I will love you forever".. "I miss you Mom"... "In memory of".. "my heart is with you"... "fight.. fight.. fight".. all messages... mother's day messages to those here and gone.. and when the candles were lit.. they glowed.. the words.. the messages.. the hope and the love.. they flowed up and out of the bags.. swirling around us.. and on to the stars.. those mother's day messages.. and we each walked a lap.. for someones mom.. and sent our own mother's day messages..

Happy Mother's Day