if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you will become a Relayer..
...it is that simple.. I walk a track every year and have for 5 years to raise money to fight cancer.. I became a Relayer because of one moment.. a second actually 5 years ago.. walking a track with other survivors.. at my first Relay For Life.
the first relay was short for me.. not a relay at all.. I cannot remember how I ended up at the local high school.. walking a survivor lap.. with people that I did not know.. in a blur of not sure what I was doing and why I was doing it.. looking around and seeing others with cancer.. but I did not feel anything.. not a connection at all.. I was there because I did not know where else to go and someone had invited me..
I think it was by invite..via an email.. or maybe it was a phone call.... that time for me is fuzzy.. . I have trouble remembering details.. I know now that cancer patients are kept track of and somehow I got an invite.. to celebrate more birthdays.. to celebrate my survival against all odds.. just a lap is all.. OK maybe two.. the first yourself.. the second your loved ones... then it seems the world flows on to the track to walk the third... and Relay begins.
I have told this story before I know.. of overwhelming emotion as I took step after step.. I had no direction.. so I followed.. followed the crowd.. the leaders.. you find that you chat with others on that lap..with others around you .. you chat to rid yourself of the fear of others knowing..you have cancer.. there.. it is OUT.. it is IN THE OPEN... you don't know what you are doing.. you are not sure why you are there.. but you follow the crowd.. and the tears are in your throat almost ready to come out..and you walk..
if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you walk next to another woman named Mary.. you chat and tell each other your story.. short.. no details.. and if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. the woman will tell you that "you are walking next to Hope".. because she is a survivor.. for multiple years.. not days.. not months.. not years.. and she walks..
you listen to her.. and start to look around.. you see every ones faces lifted up.. for all to see.. tears and laughter and hope shines through.. how silly not to see it right away.. but in a moment .. it is clear to see.. and you connect... to something so much bigger than a cell out of control.. so much more wondrous than you can imagine.. and the relief flows through you like a ray of light.. and tears are finally released... and you will remember that moment forever.. and how that moment tells you.. you will be there the next year.. and the next year..
...just in case someone needs to walk next to Hope.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
OnStar and the journey
Each journey starts and finishes.. and there are many many that we take through out our lives.. some people think it is one journey but we change so much with each curve in the road and hill we trudge up.. I just don't think that we really are the same people at the beginning.. the middle and the end? I don't think so.. we learn and grow with each wonderful event as well as each heart breaking set back.. and we develop tools to use for each journey that we take.. I wish there was a way I could use just use OnStar..
For those of you that do not know (from all of the commercials) OnStar is a navigating system.. simple.. quick.. you just press the blue button and a person starts talking to you through the radio speakers.. asking you how you are and how they can assist you.... a person that talks through the radio when you press the blue button.. I was blessed with him and or her when I purchased my new car.. free trail offer.. this is exceptionally good for me because I get lost in a grocery store.. all my friends know it.. I have no sense of direction and only knew where I was growing up because of the huge mountain that was west of where I lived..
So far the little blue button has helped me find a number of things when I have "gone too far" as I am always saying . "do you think I have gone too far?" is a statement more than a question and all of my friends have heard it more than once.. Now I never need to ask that again.. I just press the little blue button and some one is kind enough not to laugh that I am lost again.. and downloads instructions that steer me in the correct direction..
Like today for Mayo Clinic.. where I am starting a new journey.. even though the building is huge and has a sky high sign that tells everyone the name.... I felt the need today to tell the him and or her that answered my blue button call the address of my new Gynecological Oncologist.. He was determined to be necessary after my new primary physician... whose name I cannot pronounce (and will be further referenced as Dr. Wy)... spoke to me about the rareness of my first cancer and the need for better follow up than I was getting.. just to make sure.. a better look.. and there it was sneaking around in my mind.. so I decided to let the him and or her give me the directions.. hoping that somehow I would end up at a Dairy Queen or somewhere else.. away from the old fear that will not completely go away..
It stayed with me today as my directions were downloaded and I headed towards the building that I always see from the freeway that I take to my home.. it made me almost cry when reviewing my medical history with a smaller version of Fonzie with an accent of some kind.. I kept thinking this needs to be a giggle moment.. but none came out.. some dysplasia noted tucked away where it could barely be seen.. but he found it..
"Not to worry" he said.. and I felt the fear start up my spine.. "better safe than sorry...we will check it out.. no signs of cancer but we want to look a bit closer at this one area.. don't worry.. a little laser if need be and done".. Dr. Fonzie with the accent shook my hand and said.. "you know it is good that you have more follow up"..he said with smile..
So back to the car... press the blue button.. I am going to need assistance....I am looking for the directions to cancer free.
For those of you that do not know (from all of the commercials) OnStar is a navigating system.. simple.. quick.. you just press the blue button and a person starts talking to you through the radio speakers.. asking you how you are and how they can assist you.... a person that talks through the radio when you press the blue button.. I was blessed with him and or her when I purchased my new car.. free trail offer.. this is exceptionally good for me because I get lost in a grocery store.. all my friends know it.. I have no sense of direction and only knew where I was growing up because of the huge mountain that was west of where I lived..
So far the little blue button has helped me find a number of things when I have "gone too far" as I am always saying . "do you think I have gone too far?" is a statement more than a question and all of my friends have heard it more than once.. Now I never need to ask that again.. I just press the little blue button and some one is kind enough not to laugh that I am lost again.. and downloads instructions that steer me in the correct direction..
Like today for Mayo Clinic.. where I am starting a new journey.. even though the building is huge and has a sky high sign that tells everyone the name.... I felt the need today to tell the him and or her that answered my blue button call the address of my new Gynecological Oncologist.. He was determined to be necessary after my new primary physician... whose name I cannot pronounce (and will be further referenced as Dr. Wy)... spoke to me about the rareness of my first cancer and the need for better follow up than I was getting.. just to make sure.. a better look.. and there it was sneaking around in my mind.. so I decided to let the him and or her give me the directions.. hoping that somehow I would end up at a Dairy Queen or somewhere else.. away from the old fear that will not completely go away..
It stayed with me today as my directions were downloaded and I headed towards the building that I always see from the freeway that I take to my home.. it made me almost cry when reviewing my medical history with a smaller version of Fonzie with an accent of some kind.. I kept thinking this needs to be a giggle moment.. but none came out.. some dysplasia noted tucked away where it could barely be seen.. but he found it..
"Not to worry" he said.. and I felt the fear start up my spine.. "better safe than sorry...we will check it out.. no signs of cancer but we want to look a bit closer at this one area.. don't worry.. a little laser if need be and done".. Dr. Fonzie with the accent shook my hand and said.. "you know it is good that you have more follow up"..he said with smile..
So back to the car... press the blue button.. I am going to need assistance....I am looking for the directions to cancer free.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I think I am Lois Lane ..and why she is a Super Hero..
So I think I am Lois Lane.. I had to pick a Super Hero that I wanted to be in order to have a Relay For Life alias and I immediately picked Lois Lane.. I am on the committee this year and working with other Heros of Hope to put together a night of magic.. in which survivors and caregivers are welcomed and celebrated.. I have written before about Relay and how I found my footing on the track with my teammates of life.. I trust them.. listen to those teammates.. but there is a problem with them lately.. ..no one thinks Lois is a Super Hero..
Lois was a tough reporter...and in my mind.. if she had not discovered all of those stories in the first place.. Clark Kent / Superman would have just been hanging around adjusting his tights.. I don't think of her as a victim at all.. she was a writer.. I am a writer.. she leaps before thinking.. I am constantly doing that.. she is analytical and often reads things into situations that may be a bit over the top.. soooo me.. She loves life and adventure and there would not BE a Superman without Lois.. they are one.. Because of her the world was rotated backwards and Superman saved everyone.. she is the reason he is Superman..
I was very much Lois earlier this week when I had my first well check up in years.. yes a well check up.. that means nothing is wrong of much importance.. you get blood work done, knees tapped..."open wide.. say aaaaahhhhhh"... follow the light with my eyes.. the Lois in me had a list of questions.. it was an interview of sorts. No I did not have my pencil behind my ear.. but I did carry my note pad ready to jot down each fact as it came out in the investigation..
Even though I appreciate all they have done and the efforts they have made to save my life.. I have always considered my doctors a bit of "the Villains".. I think from the beginning there is going to be a snip or a poke or a machine circling around me to tell me things I do not want to hear.. only a Villain would tell you "if you are going to have cancer.. this is the best kind".. right?
So I was a bit thrown off when Wonder Woman walked into the room.. tall, dark haired and wait... yep she has on the bracelets.. I told her about my fatigue and after taking the "9 point test for depression" she realized my problem was not depression but too many Oreos and put me on a "watch everything you put in your mouth " calorie diet.. "it doesn't matter how many miles you go Mary.. it is the calories" she said.. I immediately think.. Could this be Lex Luther in disguise?..
As the visit went on I realized that she was in fact one of the good guys.. easy to talk to.. funny and smart.. it became clear that it going to be hard to argue with Wonder Woman.. even if you are Lois Lane..
Where is that Superman when you need him.. someone is going to have to hide the Oreos!
Lois was a tough reporter...and in my mind.. if she had not discovered all of those stories in the first place.. Clark Kent / Superman would have just been hanging around adjusting his tights.. I don't think of her as a victim at all.. she was a writer.. I am a writer.. she leaps before thinking.. I am constantly doing that.. she is analytical and often reads things into situations that may be a bit over the top.. soooo me.. She loves life and adventure and there would not BE a Superman without Lois.. they are one.. Because of her the world was rotated backwards and Superman saved everyone.. she is the reason he is Superman..
I was very much Lois earlier this week when I had my first well check up in years.. yes a well check up.. that means nothing is wrong of much importance.. you get blood work done, knees tapped..."open wide.. say aaaaahhhhhh"... follow the light with my eyes.. the Lois in me had a list of questions.. it was an interview of sorts. No I did not have my pencil behind my ear.. but I did carry my note pad ready to jot down each fact as it came out in the investigation..
Even though I appreciate all they have done and the efforts they have made to save my life.. I have always considered my doctors a bit of "the Villains".. I think from the beginning there is going to be a snip or a poke or a machine circling around me to tell me things I do not want to hear.. only a Villain would tell you "if you are going to have cancer.. this is the best kind".. right?
So I was a bit thrown off when Wonder Woman walked into the room.. tall, dark haired and wait... yep she has on the bracelets.. I told her about my fatigue and after taking the "9 point test for depression" she realized my problem was not depression but too many Oreos and put me on a "watch everything you put in your mouth " calorie diet.. "it doesn't matter how many miles you go Mary.. it is the calories" she said.. I immediately think.. Could this be Lex Luther in disguise?..
As the visit went on I realized that she was in fact one of the good guys.. easy to talk to.. funny and smart.. it became clear that it going to be hard to argue with Wonder Woman.. even if you are Lois Lane..
Where is that Superman when you need him.. someone is going to have to hide the Oreos!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
strong like Popeye
Gianfranco did the Popeye pose.. arms up.. showing his muscles as he told me.. "Don't worry.. I am strong like Popeye'.. this comment coming after telling me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer..
Our visit to Italy this last year to visit family living in an ancient city just outside of Rome started with the revelation that even in this beautiful land.. cancer still surrounded me. The next few days were a whirl of churches, wonderful food and loving people.. all with the haziness of foreboding that these were to be our last memories of a long lean Italian with a wonderful sense of humor..
Gianfranco, the husband of my cousin Mara, lost his battle this last week against cancer.. at the same time I was listening to inspirational stories about survivors at a Relay for Life Summit.. Gianfranco took his last breath surrounded by his wife, son and daughter whom it was very clear in a two day visit that he adored..and they adored him..
When you are surrounded by survivors.. you forget.. even if for a minute, an hour or a day.. that people do not survive.. there are some that pass on surrounded by love and people whose hearts are broken.
As Mara, my cousin, said in her email.. " I thank you for the prayers but they aren't be enough for holding back him with us, however follow to pray for him and for us that are lost without him"..
My heart is broken over and over as I lose strong and determined friends and family.. but I think I will try to "be strong like Popeye".. make the muscle arm.. and remember Gianfranco in my heart forever..
Our visit to Italy this last year to visit family living in an ancient city just outside of Rome started with the revelation that even in this beautiful land.. cancer still surrounded me. The next few days were a whirl of churches, wonderful food and loving people.. all with the haziness of foreboding that these were to be our last memories of a long lean Italian with a wonderful sense of humor..
Gianfranco, the husband of my cousin Mara, lost his battle this last week against cancer.. at the same time I was listening to inspirational stories about survivors at a Relay for Life Summit.. Gianfranco took his last breath surrounded by his wife, son and daughter whom it was very clear in a two day visit that he adored..and they adored him..
When you are surrounded by survivors.. you forget.. even if for a minute, an hour or a day.. that people do not survive.. there are some that pass on surrounded by love and people whose hearts are broken.
As Mara, my cousin, said in her email.. " I thank you for the prayers but they aren't be enough for holding back him with us, however follow to pray for him and for us that are lost without him"..
My heart is broken over and over as I lose strong and determined friends and family.. but I think I will try to "be strong like Popeye".. make the muscle arm.. and remember Gianfranco in my heart forever..
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
it's only Tuesday and the basil is dead..
Today I had to be told it was only Tuesday even though I could SWEAR it was Wednesday... and then to top the day off...I realized the basil plant outside my door had succumbed to the 110 plus degree heat.. and .. OK.. lack of water.. this leads me to believe .. I need to slow down..
I became a farmer this year.. yes .. I planted crops in pots all over the place.. strawberry plants.. (dead).. tomato plants.. (lived long enough to harvest two very tough tiny tomatoes)... and basil.. green .. wonderful.. fragrant basil.. or as my friend Marie at work says... "Italian Marijuana".. because it is addictive.. washed, rolled and chopped into long slivers .. added to red sauce or toasted pine nuts, garlic and olive oil...sigh.. it's dead.. from heat, lack of water and a too busy schedule..
I am grateful every day that I continue to be cancer free.. that my sweet Tim never forgets to kiss me good night.... for my lessons learned and the new recipes of life to try.. but when an Italian's basil plant dies.. it is a sign to slow down..
I have added lots to my plate other than tough tomatoes and green fragrant basil.. budgets at work.. new employees, Relay for Life 2012..working out and trying to be a real runner.. I want to be a thriver not just a survivor.. but my basil died.. I want to stop eating sugar, drink more tea, eat healthier foods, get plenty of rest, exercise exercise ... but I have realized today.. I want most of all to remember what day it is..
...... and to water my basil..
I became a farmer this year.. yes .. I planted crops in pots all over the place.. strawberry plants.. (dead).. tomato plants.. (lived long enough to harvest two very tough tiny tomatoes)... and basil.. green .. wonderful.. fragrant basil.. or as my friend Marie at work says... "Italian Marijuana".. because it is addictive.. washed, rolled and chopped into long slivers .. added to red sauce or toasted pine nuts, garlic and olive oil...sigh.. it's dead.. from heat, lack of water and a too busy schedule..
I am grateful every day that I continue to be cancer free.. that my sweet Tim never forgets to kiss me good night.... for my lessons learned and the new recipes of life to try.. but when an Italian's basil plant dies.. it is a sign to slow down..
I have added lots to my plate other than tough tomatoes and green fragrant basil.. budgets at work.. new employees, Relay for Life 2012..working out and trying to be a real runner.. I want to be a thriver not just a survivor.. but my basil died.. I want to stop eating sugar, drink more tea, eat healthier foods, get plenty of rest, exercise exercise ... but I have realized today.. I want most of all to remember what day it is..
...... and to water my basil..
Thursday, September 1, 2011
the deal maker...
I am remembering asking for 2 more years.. 5 years ago.. making a deal.. asking for more time.. I figured I could get ready if I had 2 more years.. I said it out loud.. in my car .. driving home.. I need ..hummm.. 2 more.. you HAVE to give me 2 more... and as the 2 years went by.. turning into 3.. nudging up to 4.. I forgot that I made promises.. made deals... until the second knock on my door.. cancer again..it brought me back.. to the day in my car.. when I promised I would get ready if I could get 2 more years..
I know that I pushed from my mind with each birthday that went by.. the deal I made a lifetime ago.. the promises ..because you are never ready.. not really.. but I was willing to negotiate again.. the deal this time had to be different.. I figured if I could get ready if I just had a lifetime.. yes.. a lifetime.. to grow old with my loved ones.. to really try to run... to never forget to say I love you to my husband.. to always kiss my children.. to make all of the arrangements that everyone must.. cancer or no cancer..
So I've tried to get ready.. .. to live with an open mind.. to appreciate every minute... and take care of details..... this year I planned my funeral.. picked out where I want to float over the earth to the ground... and I had to think of what I would say to summarize a life.. at the end of a life?.. so as I get ready to celebrate another birthday I thought I would share with you my summary..
She died of natural causes at a very old age and she never really believed she aged past the moment she met her sweet Tim...
She not only loved her family each and every day she was amazed by them and they knew it..
She took up the cause to fight a dreaded disease with her most important hope being to lead fellow fighters into the light.. the light of knowledge, strength and courage..
She loved to cook.. and spent her last years .. eating ANYTHING she wanted.. including ice cream (EVERY DAY)..
Her life changed when she stopped asking God for things.. and started thanking him for moments..
She died of natural causes at a very old age and she was VERY good at making deals..
yep.. this is a good deal..
I know that I pushed from my mind with each birthday that went by.. the deal I made a lifetime ago.. the promises ..because you are never ready.. not really.. but I was willing to negotiate again.. the deal this time had to be different.. I figured if I could get ready if I just had a lifetime.. yes.. a lifetime.. to grow old with my loved ones.. to really try to run... to never forget to say I love you to my husband.. to always kiss my children.. to make all of the arrangements that everyone must.. cancer or no cancer..
So I've tried to get ready.. .. to live with an open mind.. to appreciate every minute... and take care of details..... this year I planned my funeral.. picked out where I want to float over the earth to the ground... and I had to think of what I would say to summarize a life.. at the end of a life?.. so as I get ready to celebrate another birthday I thought I would share with you my summary..
She died of natural causes at a very old age and she never really believed she aged past the moment she met her sweet Tim...
She not only loved her family each and every day she was amazed by them and they knew it..
She took up the cause to fight a dreaded disease with her most important hope being to lead fellow fighters into the light.. the light of knowledge, strength and courage..
She loved to cook.. and spent her last years .. eating ANYTHING she wanted.. including ice cream (EVERY DAY)..
Her life changed when she stopped asking God for things.. and started thanking him for moments..
She died of natural causes at a very old age and she was VERY good at making deals..
yep.. this is a good deal..
Friday, August 19, 2011
the candle
Before I light this candle and follow it all night
I should think what it means to hold this fragile light
Should I walk a lap or maybe two and memorize the names
Of all the loved ones whose lives won’t ever be the same
Before I light this candle and protect it from the wind
Should I read the stories of what was and what has been
Before I light this candle and read the sad goodbyes
Should I promise that I will always cry
Before I light this candle and follow it all night
I have to promise you that I will always fight
Relay 2012
I should think what it means to hold this fragile light
Should I walk a lap or maybe two and memorize the names
Of all the loved ones whose lives won’t ever be the same
Before I light this candle and protect it from the wind
Should I read the stories of what was and what has been
Before I light this candle and read the sad goodbyes
Should I promise that I will always cry
Before I light this candle and follow it all night
I have to promise you that I will always fight
Relay 2012
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