the first lap...

in less than a week.. I step on a track and take a first lap.. and relay...

this is my 5th year participating in the Relay for Life event in my neighborhood.... and a million light years from last year..last year I walked the survivor's lap.. the first lap.. waiting for results from a biopsy after suspicious symptoms and a frighting mammogram.. but I relayed.. with family, friends and strangers.. walking the lap being congratulated on being a survivor and wondering each step.. am I?  am I a survivor again? I stepped on to the track.. frightened and worried.. unsure of myself and who I was and where I was going..when my loved ones joined me for the second lap.. it was almost too much for me.. I had to resist running to them and screaming.. am I?  am I a survivor again?

what a difference a year makes..this year I step on to the track for the lap.. grateful for this journey.. sure of myself.. knowing who I am.. and what purpose I have..determined to run my race.. walk my laps and hold hands with others that do the same.. our race this year has theme laps.. zany fun ideas like a 50's, 60's lap where I can be the hippie of my youth.. pajama lap where I can be the old woman in curlers with the huge slippers..

I realize it is putting the first footprint down..I guess the first lap is the hardest in any race.. you have to find your pace.. steady your breathing.. as you put one foot in front of the other.. you have to know when to push yourself.. and when to take it slower..you have to have laps that are silly..laps that are fun..laps where you cry..  and when you are not quite sure what lap you are on... you have to have a team that yells, pushes, laughs and loves you .. one more step.. one more lap.. it is the start that is important.. and lap after lap you find your normal.. you become yourself.. the person that God has given you to be...

It seems so easy this year.. stepping on to the track.. putting one foot down... on the first lap..

the attitude of gratitude..

it is Easter Sunday.. a time for family get togethers and as my yogi sweet Shannon said Friday night.. it is time for an attitude of gratitude.. her class was packed this week.. word has gotten out that sweet Shannon wrings the stress out of your body with a twist to the left and a stretch to the right.. her sing songy voice in a quiet darken room takes away the weeks toxic stress and lulls you into thinking you can do it again the next week..

as I get ready for the day.. I am counting my blessings.. husband, family and friends..wonderful Saturdays with friends followed by coffee and oatmeal at a local coffee shop.. I find myself finding my humor again.. memories that are not full of cancer and surgeries ..battles and strategies..  I find it easier to breath this week.. deep cleansing breaths... I will keep working on my attitude of gratitude... and the healing continues..

a life full of rainbows..

everyone up North here saw the rainbows this weekend.. double ones.. vibrant and shining.. glowing with rays of light flowing down to the earth with the color... this weekend started out drizzly.. cold and raining.. Emma's run.. an anniversary.. a long long year has gone by.. one that seems like yesterday and yet far away in the distance.. I participated in Emma's run again this year.. not as fast as last year.. but my team mates kept me going.. like they always do.. my team mates and special ingredient friends.. and rainbows..

As I waited for the final runners to come to the finish line.. in the drizzly.. cold and rain.. I suddenly felt a kaleidoscope of colors and memories rushing in.. last year..running up the hill.. seeing a team mate step out and yell.. my first race.. in a long line of life races to come this year..

who knew... do we ever know.. what life holds for us... who knew.. where courage comes from.. how many more hills to come.. It suddenly seemed very real and I realized.. it was not a dream.. it had happened day after day.. cancer again.. more surgeries and the death of my mother.. I started to cry .. lost in the memories of a year that seemed unreal.. for a moment in time.. suspended ..for a moment in time.. with me looking in..

I found myself folded into the embrace of team mates.. many who stood by me as I ran up my hills.. hugged back to the moment.. encouraged to "complete not compete".. I felt home.. safe and ready to run another race.. up another hill..

later in the day.. I saw the rainbow.. people stopping to take pictures.. it was so bright.. so glowing.. and I remembered ..look up..look up.. focus on the finish line is the lesson I have learned.. look up to the finish.. and make sure you look for rainbows..

my 2 miles and the lime green shirt

not a lot of cupcake runners showed up this Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m... there was girl scouts and camping and only a handful came out.. so my run/walk 2 miles was unaccompanied...

my 2 miles takes me up and around and down .. around the park.. the ponds, the trees and the waterfalls.. I walk past the soccer fields..run all the down hill parts that I can.. the beauty of the park in the morning helps me resist the temptation to run across the street to McDonald's..I love this route in the spring.. the buds on the trees are starting to bloom and it is quiet except for the birds greeting the new morning..

this Saturday, these 2 miles belong to me..only me.. just me... I have walked/run these miles time after time.. Saturday morning after Saturday morning.. deep in thought.. listening to music.. sometimes skipping and holding my arms out to feel the air as it goes by.. depending on the song....I sometimes feel like I am flying..always thinking.. always going over fate in my head..

this Saturday I was thinking...coming down the hill.. that we cannot escape our destiny or our fates.. I have felt over whelmed with news of my favorite ingredient friend Anita's parents both fighting cancer.. first her father and now her mother with breast cancer.. I have felt over whelmed with news of my Italian family's Gianfranco.. now diagnosed with lung cancer.. starting the second part of his treatment.. and his wife Mara saying.."it is bad".. I was thinking... I was thinking...

wait.. in the distance...was that a lime green shirt? 

there is a stretch in my 2 miles.. that curves just a bit.. you can tell if someone is on the path coming towards you only because you catch a glimpse of a shirt or hat or pet pulling at a leash.. it was at this curve.. I thought...I felt.. wait.. was that a lime green shirt?  Like the one my friend Linda K wore each time she trained for her 3 day .. along with her team mates....

this feels strangely familiar.. is that a lime green shirt coming up the path.. getting ready to yell.. "there is Julia's mom!" and enclose me in a bear hug that picks me up off of my feet.. and suddenly.. I felt her there.. my friend Linda K.. now an Angel.. done fighting the fight on earth and taking it up where it counts.. for a moment I felt the color of the shirt.. saw her turn the curve.. throw her hands up in the air and heard her yell..

I realized that my fate is set.. that she will always be there with me .. that each day is a day that should be lived with expectation.. waiting for the lime green shirt, the bear hug .. the love and friendship that we are granted.. there in the stretch of my 2 miles.. I felt that I had a destiny..like my friend Linda K.. in her lime green shirt..

the journal and lessons learned...

There is a tradition here at Hotel Davanzati in Florence.. each of the 20 rooms has a leather bound journal on a desk.. and you are invited to write your thoughts about your stay in Florence and this wonderful hotel..

it makes for good reading.. glancing through the pages and the thoughts of people that have been in room 205 over the years.. "we could not have asked for more" one couple commented....there are well wishes for future guests of this room..in many languages..making the room itself feel alive..

so today I wrote in the journal of the room 205 at Hotal Davanzati.. my thanks for such a wonderful visit.  As I wrote my thoughts.. my mind wandered through the moments of the week... and it's lessons which I will share..

the most important things in Italy are a good umbrella and good shoes
you cannot taste all the wonderful flavors of gelato in one week ~ or maybe ever
you can become family in a moment
that it doesn't matter how many years you are married.. when your souls have been together forever
pizza for one is really pizza for two
that each and every day you learn more about life ~ don't waste it ~ taste everything

Ciao ~

va bene ...ok

it is raining today in Florence.. it is a day for churches...so the woman making morning cappuccinos here at the hotel this morning told us.  Sweet Tim and I have returned from Viterbo where we have spent 2 days with distant relatives..driving through Italian wine country.. visiting the home of my Grandfather Davide in the tiny hill town of Ischia di Castro...where a woman looking much like my sister Janet.. came up to us in the church and said.."Belfiore?? I am also a Belfiore!"..  During our visit we were told my cousin Mara's husband Gianfranco was diagnosed in January with lung cancer.. I cannot escape.. it is everywhere.. Gianfranco made a Popeye arm pose.. saying he is strong.. but later Mara told me her hair is gray because it is bad.. he has had radiation and now will have chemotherapy in April.. he is thin and coughing.. but full of humor.. like all Italians..

They accept fate.. believe in destinies and love life...early this week in the market a man tried to sell sweet Tim a leather shoulder bag.. Tim said no.. I have one.. (he currently carrys a beat up canvas bag).. the man thought for a moment and then said.. "va bene..ok.. plastic is good when it rains"..

Italians are made of the stone they build their houses with..strong .. lasting forever.. crumbling only after years of being in the weather.. we survive..we survive..

va bene.. ok

having a good time lately....

I actually had a regular doctor's appointment today.. a well visit instead of a poke.. peek ..heart in my throat visit... It is with a new doctor.. holistic ... to help me get back to normal.  I took in my list.. 2 cancers in 4 years, 2 major surgeries.. one followed by chemo and radiation.. new boobs.... wait.. turn the page over.. more lists..  higher weight.. double chins.. start crying for no reason..feet are swelling.. . oh and I am getting a moustache because I am not allowed to have estrogen.. and wait.. I gave up diet coke to be more healthy.. my favorite thing.. can't sleep, my heart starts pounding for no reason... wait. where is the second page?? oh ....here it is!!  joints hurt.. I think my nose is getting bigger.. when I get out of bed all.. and I mean ALL of my joints crack and creak.. did I mention my joints hurt.. 

The nurse entering my information - from my list that I now carry - turned and said.. "Gosh.. I think I am going to cry.. you have not had a good time lately"..  "I have tissue" I replied..  "go ahead.. you will feel better".. 

After 20 minutes of chatting with my new doctor.. I had new items to add to my list. adrenal glands burned out.. probably need a different blood pressure medicine.. green tea.. lots of water.. yoga.. walking.. can I change jobs? huhhh....no.. next item.. blood work.. more blood work..  at the bottom.. in capital letters I write ..I am not giving up.. I may be a bit side tracked.. I have not been having a good time lately.. but I think that is because sometimes I read from the wrong list..


It took me a minute to find the right one..but after a few deep breaths.. I remembered it..  wonderful family.. smart, loving, sharing kids..they always want to come home.. even if just to eat..  watching my granddaughters turn into beautiful young women.. sweet Tim..Arizona's big blue sky..my Italian is actually getting better.. good friends... good cookbooks...insurance.. a love of high heel shoes (even though I seldom wear them)..wearing bunny rabbit ears for the duration of a 5K... Dunkin and Louie my favorite dogs..  alive. alive.. alive.. I need to count that a few times.. 

Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it's about doing, being and becoming.

It's about the choices you've just made, and the ones you're about to make, it's about the things you choose to say - today.

It's about what you're gonna do after you finish reading this ~ Mike Dooley 

Sounds like a good time to me...