the deal maker...

I am remembering asking for 2 more years.. 5 years ago.. making a deal.. asking for more time.. I figured I could get ready if I had 2 more years.. I said it out loud.. in my car .. driving home.. I need ..hummm.. 2 more.. you HAVE to give me 2 more... and as the 2 years went by.. turning into 3.. nudging up to 4.. I forgot that I made promises.. made deals... until the second knock on my door.. cancer again..it brought me back.. to the day in my car.. when I promised I would get ready if I could get 2 more years..

I know that I pushed from my mind with each birthday that went by.. the deal I made a lifetime ago..  the promises ..because you are never ready.. not really.. but I was willing to negotiate again.. the deal this time had to be different.. I figured if I could get ready if I just had a lifetime.. yes.. a lifetime..  to grow old with my loved ones.. to really try to run... to never forget to say I love you to my husband.. to always kiss my children.. to make all of the arrangements that everyone must.. cancer or no cancer..

So I've tried to get ready.. .. to live with an open mind.. to appreciate every minute... and take care of details..... this year I planned my funeral.. picked out where I want to float over the earth to the ground... and I had to think of what I would say to summarize a life.. at the end of a life?.. so as I get ready to celebrate another birthday I thought I would share with you my summary.. 

She died of natural causes at a very old age and she never really believed she aged past the moment she met her sweet Tim...

She not only loved her family each and every day she was amazed by them and they knew it..

She took up the cause to fight a dreaded disease with her most important hope being to lead fellow fighters into the light.. the light of knowledge, strength and courage..

She loved to cook.. and spent her last years .. eating ANYTHING she wanted.. including ice cream (EVERY DAY)..

Her life changed when she stopped asking God for things.. and started thanking him for moments..

She died of natural causes at a very old age and she was VERY good at making deals..

yep.. this is a good deal..

the candle

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I should think what it means to hold this fragile light

Should I walk a lap or maybe two and memorize the names

Of all the loved ones whose lives won’t ever be the same

Before I light this candle and protect it from the wind

Should I read the stories of what was and what has been

Before I light this candle and read the sad goodbyes

Should I promise that I will always cry

Before I light this candle and follow it all night

I have to promise you that I will always fight

Relay 2012

it is time.. the journey to normal

it is time.. time to recognize what the new normal has become..my entire year has been finding my normal.. and realizing suddenly recently.. that seeking.. learning.. growing every moment has become my normal now..it is just like trying new recipes.. some work.. some don't .. the favorites you tuck away to bring out again when you need them..

it is time..time to realize that I find normal every day.. with new habits.. learned things.. great friends .. overcoming fear.. I have overcome fear.. it is normal for me to push it down and conquer it..

I am starting to recognize myself again.. me.. only different..I feel stronger.. wiser.. and more unwilling to give up.  I am here for a purpose.. a destiny.. a life.. I am looking in the mirror and it is coming in to focus..

it is time.. time to understand that the journey continues.. it doesn't end.. what is normal today will change tomorrow and it is exciting.. fulfilling and hopeful.. the recipe changes with a new spice here.. and wonderful found flavor there..

it is time.. time to celebrate there is no end to the journey.. and that feels wonderfully normal

the one minute rewards..

we are gearing up.. for 5Ks and longer runs.. my Saturday friends.. the cupcakes.. the runners.  I am more of a walker than a runner.. I always do the 2 miles and often am waiting at the end for the longer runs to finish..

I watch them come up the hill and have learned to recognize their strides.. fast and floating.. one seems to skim over the ground.. another is bouncy and light...so light on her feet that she seems like she is bouncing her way up the hill.. like an adorable Tigger.. but with running shoes..

you learn a lot from a group of women.. especially if they are runners and you share Saturday coffee at Starbucks.... they train each other.. really it is nurturing and not training.. I always try to listen to the messages around me when I am with them..

"you will feel wonderful when you finish the half.. you can do it and you will always remember it"... (dream big and always look for the finish)..

"run and then walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. walk for a minute" ..(take a minute for yourself when things are crazy hectic.. even if just to catch your breath)..

"test the gummie things before a race... they might not agree with you and then it's too late".. (have a plan and be prepared...you might have to throw up!)..

my one minute rewards this year have not come from walking between runs.. but rather runners themselves..making their way across the finish line.. cheering each other on.. sipping coffee and laughing around a table that should only fit 4 but accommodates 10 if need be..

so don't forget .. walk for a minute.. rest.. your heart beat will stay up there but you can take a breath and then start again.. it is a reward.. for one wonderful minute

I'm Julie Andrews...

There is a part in the move "The Sound of Music" were Julie Andrews is singing atop a beautiful mountain...  her arms flung open.... singing about the hills being alive.. she can't help it.. her heart is so full and she feels the beauty of everything around her.... today I am Julie Andrews... but instead of a mountain I am laying back at the end of my checkup.. waiting for my doctor to say those dreaded words I have heard over and over this last 5 years.. "I think we need to biopsy this one little area"....

"Things look great Mary".. the eagle eyed Patricia said.. "REALLY?".. I had to prop myself up on my elbows and look at her... make eye contact.. after all she was the one that found it first.. where it never should have been.. unexpected and almost missed.. except for eagle eyed Patricia.."REALLY??"
"See you in 6 months" she said with a very big smile.. "REALLY??"

I know that I can spin around on this thing.. with my arms flung open.. singing about the feeling of being alive and the beauty of everything around me.. I might look a bit silly but after chemo and radiation and all the things that come with it.. silly isn't bad. 

You can call me "Ms. Andrews"..

always rainbows

my son is driving in a truck today.. taking a trip from Nashville TN back to Washington DC with his darling girlfriend's items.. I always think of her as the Princess in Tangled.. not that she is stuck in a tower in any way.. but every time I see that movie ( it is a favorite) and watch the Princess using that long long hair to swing over the green grass.. touching her tippy toes down to experience something for the first time.. and then yelling with joy .. it always reminds me of her..

this week she was facing the unknown, tippy toe at a time, moving from Nashville to Washington when her grandmother passed..Tony had gone down to collect things and attend the services and on his drive back we talked about remembrances and things that he felt were moving during the services.. and we talked about signs..

I am a big believer in signs..

when birds fly close I always think of my own grandmother.. maybe because she set me free... always there to give hope and guidance, love, hugs and assurance... she allowed me to soar when I had no wings.. so now when I see the swooping and graceful turns of birds.. I think of it as her message to me.. to glide with the wind.. fly up as high as you can go.. then lay back and let the air carry you to your destination..

My son and I talked about how he was so touched by the eulogy and how he thought it was such a great idea for us to journal so that our loved ones would be able to share memories and stories about our life after we are gone.. so often important messages come across in stories.. ones that we are unable to see when our loved ones are here.. I mentioned that I thought often about my mother's passing and how it was so abrupt.. I did not think she was ready and I worried that she felt lost.. when he said "there is a rainbow here mom... and it is not even raining."  

I am a big believer in signs

I know she has found her way.. as we all will.. and that gives me the courage to fly..

no matter where you sneak

no flowers.. no jewelry.. no dinners or wine.. one year ago tomorrow, I made the decision to remove faulty parts.. cut out evilness and put myself in God's hands again.  I will celebrate my 1 year mastectomy surgery anniversary tomorrow with a workout, green tea, stubbornness and strength..

stronger on my mind is my 5 year anniversary of the first cancer.. the first one found by an eagle eyed doctor... that 5 year mark that everyone talks about and I have found means nothing.. I know too many that have gone past the 5 year, the 6 year, the 10 year.. only to fight again.. but the mark looms in the my future this year.. that anniversary is in November and even though I say it means nothing.. it seems to mean everything instead.

a Saturday conversation with a sweet running friend brought up an "inside my head conversation" that I go over and over each time I hear of someone with cancer.. she had experienced with a friend in college that friend's fight against cancer.. and when a child of hers was sick recently.. some of those memories swirled around in her head.. familiar symptoms.. making her stomach tight with an empty feeling I am sure.. until she knew for sure it was nothing.. nothing more than a childhood illness.. but memories were brought back.  She said she thought of me and other cancer survivors ... how the memories must always be tip toeing around.. in the back of our minds..

a very perceptive statement  .. something will trigger a memory ..it could be a smell or an ache that starts heart pounding feelings and all of a sudden .. you feel it tip toeing around your mind... not up front.. but lurking.. sneaking up ..

there is a game that I recall playing as a child.... where you have a mallet and you stand in front of the game machine..waiting ..watching for plastic heads to pop up and you smack them down as hard as you can.. beware things that tip toe around my brain.. I am very very good at that game..


The anniversaries.. they come and go

I count the days one by one you know
I celebrate the breath of life
And fight to keep in warm sunlight
You cannot hurt me.. you are weak
I will live my life no matter where you sneak
One more year.. I am cancer free
Thank you god for what you have given me

Happy Anniversary to me... <3