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RedefinedMe2You

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endings and beginnings..

it makes sense to me on the last day of the year that I would write my last note on Radiated Cupcakes.. it is time for a change.. and for me to go in a different direction.. I am at the fork in the road..looking to see which path I need to take.. all I know.. all I feel ..is that it is a different path from the one I have been on.  I am stronger than ever.. more determined than before to make a difference each and every day..

this year has been full of ups and downs.. favorite things and disappointments.. in looking back over the year.. my friends and family seem to have taken the spotlight.. pushing away from my mind the constant worry of cancer and stomping down the fear of it returning...there are things that stand out in my mind as I reminisce over this last year..

my friend Anita... one of the best ingredients in my recipe of life ..is moving on to different things due to downsizing at my work and even though I know this is an open door for her to be in a place that acknowledges her for who she is.. I do not know how I will manage without her by my side .. day in and day out.. her gift to me was that I learned to accept who I was.. she helped me understand that trying to do better and change for the better is not being defeated or giving up.. it is actually winning....

my wonderful cousin by marriage GianFranco.. who was "strong like Popeye"  even though he lost his short battle against cancer this year..I think every day of the gift of meeting him this year in Italy.. spending time with his family and learning a bit more about the story of the two brothers.. one that stayed in Italy and one that risked everything by coming to America..I come from a long line of risk takers.. strong stock..

my cupcake runner friends that encourage me to run....or walk ..or just come have coffee.. I realize that I really want to fly like the wind.. even if that is just under a 16  min mile.. and be cheered over a finish line..they have made me believe that all things can be done.. all you need are colorful socks, a St. Anthony medal and maybe a tutu...

I spent this year watching my two lotus blossom daughters come together and walk 60 miles to fight cancer with their brother being the fundraising CEO to help them hit their targets.. they all have their own journeys but share with me a passion to be something more..

and Sweet Tim who is always by my side.. letting me know we can get through anything together and that we will have years more to share. 

as this year comes to an end .. so does this blog... I wish for you a new beginning.. each and every day we get a chance to start over.. do something new.. take your chance.. take a risk..

I Wish You... by Anonymous

I wish you bright mornings and warm, sunny days,
Soft shade to cool you from sweltering rays,
Raindrops, a few, from some cloud floating by,
Rainbows thereafter to color your sky.

M

my mother's gifts...

this will be the second Christmas that my mother celebrates in Heaven.. I am sure by now she is running the place.. making crosses with the Palm Sunday Palms that everyone has displayed on their cloud appropriately.. she probably has hostess cupcakes hidden every where and surely is eating sour cream on everything she can..

my beautiful dark haired West Virgina girl has been sending me hints this week that she plans on celebrating with us this year..and has starting sending gifts for me to open..

the first gift ... the #1 child born .. better know by my mother as "sweet pea"...has decided to carry on the tradition of gag gifts opened on Christmas Eve.. you have to live through the hilarity of opening a box with blow up clown feet, Holiday vests and crazy tshirts to appreciate this Christmas Eve ritual.. names were drawn this week.. and we all have a gift to purchase..

after years of my mother sending fake letters from the Pope, Santa, The Mafia and I think one year... Neil Diamond... to get my husband to open presents on Christmas Eve.. we settled into ripping open mailed boxes that were packed with Pop Tarts and Ding Dong Cakes that cushioned the precious cargo.. my children grew to love this and that memory of her will be with us forever because of this new but same tradition.

the second gift.. at an ornament exchange this week, I met a woman that loved Christmas trees.. she had tons.. in every room.. and collected ornaments.. just like my mother.. we chatted about how there is always room for one more shiny ball.. or feathered plume .. nestled deep in green branches.. my mother loved those kinds of trees... I will have to go out now and find one more ornament..to tuck away for her in the branches of our tree..

the third gift.. movies are being shown that she loved.. at the gym I noticed that instead of disturbing news or sports or stocks on a television a few pieces of equipment down.. a movie.. "Christmas in Connecticut" .. one of my mother's favorites.. it took me a bit by surprise..no one watches movies at the gym.. but I found myself peering down the way.. a few pieces of equipment down the row.. and watched.. and lived for a moment... times with my mother when she would stop everything and talk me into watching one of "those movies"... even though I complained at the time.. I love those movies now..

there are a few days left.. Christmas will be here soon.. celebrated with my mother's gifts...

Merry Christmas Mom..

believe..

everyone has their journey.. it is often easy to lose ourselves in our own efforts to find our way and to not pay attention to others as they wander to their destination.. hopefully we will realize a blessing when someone waves for our attention because they need a bit of help.. it is so much easier to climb a path with someone.. giving a hand up.. or a firm push..  and accepting one in the rough spots... when you are done you turn around and wave.. and start off in a new direction...because you are ready ...you believe in what is ahead..

a blessing came my way recently in the form of a family friend.. a young man that we watched grow from child to young adult.. after many years of different paths.. he has been embraced back to us.. he was a ball player in his youth.. good at every sport.. in my minds eye I always see him in the front yard of his house.. tossing a football or baseball to someone..

I learned a lot about the goodness of people from his parents ...his grandmother taught me that to really read your fortune with cards.. you had "to have a shot first".. I learned to stuff artichokes, make sauce.. hold hands around a temporary table in the basement laden down with tons of food.. my youngest lotus blossom carries his mother's middle name as her own and they made my path easier and fun....

the ball player learned a lot of things from his parents and grandparents as well.. to respect and love them.. to care for them as they grew older.. to do the right thing.. he was blessed that his father had clarity enough before he passed to look him in the eye and tell him what a good son he was....  he cares for his mother in the same loving way.. he knows that her time is short and she misses her one true love .. she is ready.. she believes..

he called recently.. to reach out...for a hand up.. going through a rough spot realizing his mother is coming to the end of her journey.. so  I shared a story of my first born's beginning day at school.. she was full of excitement.. and did not hesitate to get out of the car.. we had helped her prepare for this day.. we told her to trust in her journey.. do not fear the unknown... wonderful things were in front of her.. and she believed..

when she got out of the car.. she walked away.. no tears.. no hesitation.. she knew that this was the start of something great.. at the last minute.. she turned.. smiled and waved.. then she was gone.. I felt such relief..and even though her brother and I were sobbing as we left for home... for that moment I knew that I had done the right thing.. that she was prepared.. that there were going to be rough times.. and wonderful times.. but most of all that I had seen her turn around and wave...she believed...

the beginning of life and the end of life are often the same.. if we have done our job.. no hesitation.. no fear.. they believe in what is ahead... and if we believe as well.. we see them turn and wave goodbye..

in a moment

if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you will become a Relayer..

...it is that simple.. I walk a track every year and have for 5 years to raise money to fight cancer.. I became a Relayer because of one moment.. a second actually 5 years ago.. walking a track with other survivors.. at my first Relay For Life.

the first relay was short for me.. not a relay at all.. I cannot remember how I ended up at the local high school.. walking a survivor lap.. with people that I did not know.. in a blur of not sure what I was doing and why I was doing it.. looking around and seeing others with cancer.. but I did not feel anything.. not a connection at all.. I was there because I did not know where else to go and someone had invited me..

I think it was by invite..via an email.. or maybe it was a phone call.... that time for me is fuzzy.. . I have trouble remembering details..  I know now that cancer patients are kept track of and somehow I got an invite.. to celebrate more birthdays.. to celebrate my survival against all odds.. just a lap is all.. OK maybe two.. the first yourself.. the second your loved ones... then it seems the world flows on to the track to walk the third... and Relay begins.

I have told this story before I know.. of overwhelming emotion as I took step after step.. I had no direction.. so I followed.. followed the crowd.. the leaders.. you find that you chat with others on that lap..with others around you .. you chat to rid yourself  of the fear of others knowing..you have cancer.. there.. it is OUT.. it is IN THE OPEN...  you don't know what you are doing.. you are not sure why you are there.. but you  follow the crowd.. and the tears are in your throat almost ready to come out..and you walk..

if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. you walk next to another woman named Mary.. you chat and tell each other your story.. short.. no details.. and if you are lucky like me.. if you are blessed like me.. the woman will tell you that "you are walking next to Hope".. because she is a survivor.. for multiple years.. not days.. not months.. not years.. and she walks..

you listen to her.. and start to look around.. you see every ones faces lifted up.. for all to see.. tears and laughter and hope shines through.. how silly not to see it right away.. but in a moment .. it is clear to see..  and you connect... to something so much bigger than a cell out of control.. so much more wondrous than you can imagine.. and the relief flows through you like a ray of light.. and tears are finally released... and you will remember that moment forever.. and how that moment tells you.. you will be there the next year.. and the next year..

...just in case someone needs to walk next to Hope.

OnStar and the journey

Each journey starts and finishes.. and there are many many that we take through out our lives.. some people think it is one journey but we change so much with each curve in the road and hill we trudge up.. I just don't think that we really are the same people at the beginning.. the middle and the end?  I don't think so.. we learn and grow with each wonderful event as well as each heart breaking set back.. and we develop tools to use for each journey that we take.. I wish there was a way I could use just use OnStar..

For those of you that do not know (from all of the commercials) OnStar is a navigating system.. simple.. quick.. you just press the blue button and a person starts talking to you through the radio speakers.. asking you how you are and how they can assist you.... a person that talks through the radio when you press the blue button.. I was blessed with him and or her when I purchased my new car.. free trail offer.. this is exceptionally good for me because I get lost in a grocery store.. all my friends know it.. I have no sense of direction and only knew where I was growing up because of the huge mountain that was west of where I lived..

So far the little blue button has helped me find a number of things when I have "gone too far" as I am always saying . "do you think I have gone too far?" is a statement more than a question and all of my friends have heard it more than once..  Now I never need to ask that again.. I just press the little blue button and some one is kind enough not to laugh that I am lost again.. and downloads instructions that steer me in the correct direction..

Like today for Mayo Clinic.. where I am starting a new journey.. even though the building is huge and has a sky high sign that tells everyone the name.... I felt the need today to tell the him and or her that answered my blue button call the address of my new Gynecological Oncologist..  He was determined to be necessary after my new primary physician... whose name I cannot pronounce (and will be further referenced as Dr. Wy)... spoke to me about the rareness of my first cancer and the need for better follow up than I was getting.. just to make sure.. a better look.. and there it was sneaking around in my mind.. so I decided to let the him and or her give me the directions.. hoping that somehow I would end up at a  Dairy Queen or somewhere else.. away from the old fear that will not completely go away..

It stayed with me today as my directions were downloaded and I headed towards the building that I always see from the freeway that I take to my home.. it made me almost cry when reviewing my medical history with a smaller version of Fonzie with an accent of some kind.. I kept thinking this needs to be a giggle moment.. but none came out.. some dysplasia noted tucked away where it could barely be seen.. but he found it..

"Not to worry" he said.. and I felt the fear start up my spine.. "better safe than sorry...we will check it out.. no signs of cancer but we want to look a bit closer at this one area.. don't worry.. a little laser if need be and done".. Dr. Fonzie with the accent shook my hand and said.. "you know it is good that you have more follow up"..he said with smile..

So back to the car... press the blue button.. I am going to need assistance....I am looking for the directions to cancer free.

I think I am Lois Lane ..and why she is a Super Hero..

So I think I am Lois Lane.. I had to pick a Super Hero that I wanted to be in order to have a Relay For Life alias and I immediately picked Lois Lane..  I am on the committee this year and working with other Heros of Hope to put together a night of magic.. in which survivors and caregivers are welcomed and celebrated.. I have written before about Relay and how I found my footing on the track with my teammates of life.. I trust them.. listen to those teammates.. but there is a problem with them lately.. ..no one thinks Lois is a Super Hero..

Lois was a tough reporter...and in my mind.. if she had not discovered all of those stories in the first place.. Clark Kent / Superman would have just been hanging around adjusting his tights.. I don't think of her as a victim at all.. she was a writer.. I am a writer.. she leaps before thinking.. I am constantly doing that.. she is analytical and often reads things into situations that may be a bit over the top.. soooo me.. She loves life and adventure and there would not BE a Superman without Lois.. they are one.. Because of her the world was rotated backwards and Superman saved everyone.. she is the reason he is Superman..

I was very much Lois earlier this week when I had my first well check up in years.. yes a well check up.. that means nothing is wrong of much importance.. you get blood work done, knees tapped..."open wide.. say aaaaahhhhhh"... follow the light with my eyes..  the Lois in me had a list of questions.. it was an interview of sorts.  No I did not have my pencil behind my ear.. but I did carry my note pad ready to jot down each fact as it came out in the investigation..

Even though I appreciate all they have done and the efforts they have made to save my life.. I have always considered my doctors a bit of  "the Villains".. I think from the beginning there is going to be a snip or a poke or a machine circling around me to tell me things I do not want to hear.. only a Villain would tell you "if you are going to have cancer.. this is the best kind".. right?

So I was a bit thrown off when Wonder Woman walked into the room.. tall, dark haired and wait... yep she has on the bracelets..  I told her about my fatigue and after taking the "9 point test for depression" she realized my problem was not depression but too many Oreos and put me on a "watch everything you put in your mouth " calorie diet.. "it doesn't matter how many miles you go Mary.. it is the calories" she said.. I immediately think.. Could this be Lex Luther in disguise?..

As the visit went on I realized that she was in fact one of the good guys.. easy to talk to.. funny and smart.. it became clear that it going to be hard to argue with Wonder Woman.. even if you are Lois Lane..

Where is that Superman when you need him.. someone is going to have to hide the Oreos!